What is it about guys that are Naturally Attractive?

Carlos,

Not to beat a dead horse or anything, but I gotta tell you about my roommate because I want to understand more about what he is doing and how he is doing it.

First off, he's a great guy and one of my best friends here at school. He's got my back to the very end and I don't doubt it for a second.

But, everywhere we go... and I mean EVERYWHERE, girls flock to him... literally. We'll be on the street, hot girls just stare at him. We'll be at a party or a bar, hot girls approach him, now imagine that! I think you know where I'm going with this. He is a good looking guy and all, but it's got to be something more than just that.

Bottom line is I WANT HIS RESULTS! And, I want to know how he achieves them. Advice?

Paul
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CARLOS XUMA'S ADVICE:

Yeah, don't we all, Paul.

When we see a 'natural' - a guy who is naturally attractive to women - we sometimes fall into the mistaken belief that he's got something magical - an ability that must surely make him a holy being. (Yeah, I'm exaggerating, but not far from what you're thinking in your head.)

Again, it's a comparison trap that you can fall into when you look at another person and want THEIR results.

You CAN'T have his results specifically. It's chasing something you can't control right now, and it will actually lower your ability.

The guys that WANT to have a certain result, like a specific football player's ability, or a politician's social skill, rarely accomplish it. The ones that get the result are the ones who focus SPECIFICALLY on THEIR OWN development and growth. Because that's where it all starts.

I don't want to get too caught up in the mechanics, because the mindset is 10 times as important. If you're chasing another person's results, even if you think that's what you want for yourself, you're going to hurt your game, because you'll always have a standard set that is not your identity, and it undermines your sense of self worth at that moment because you're not achieving it.

Even if you want to use him as some kind of benchmark of your own performance, it will not help.

So you want to know what his attraction secret is?

Here it is:

1) He's physically attractive, so he's got a flashy lure. Women will be drawn in by the appearance. This is good only for about 30 seconds, while she waits to hear what comes out of your mouth.

2) He's got a good image. I'll bet he's got a style of appearance (clothes, hair, etc.) that makes him look good.

3) He's got a charismatic attitude. He's persuasive, and he can communicate well.

4) He's not giving off subtle pings of insecurity and instability with his mannerisms, speech, and body language.

5) He's not focused on being like or doing as well as anyone else. He's surrendered to the present moment and accepted things RIGHT NOW. As they are, good, bad, or indifferent.

I guarantee you that anyone that's good with women and confident with women has learned these strategies and has given up the need to compare on any level.

You can only sell your product when you're convinced of its value. You don't see anyone selling their goods or services while dumbstruck in awe over their competitors, do you?

This is the essence of Charisma. And the secrets of compelling communication and persuasion are easy to learn. Here's a link to a great resource for you to consider...

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

I'm not in, but you can read my witty and delicious blog while I'mout...

Carlos!

Thanks so much for your advice [The Dating Black Book]! I feel myself changing and molding into a better self. I bring confidence to the table not only at dates, bars, parties, but also at work. People see that I mean business and that I'm on my own path to personal greatness. I'm coming into a promotion very soon and also getting random job offers! People see the passion!

Do you have any hints on what I should put up as an away message on my AIM? I go out quite a bit and I do know women that I know personally that check my away message. Usually I put "Out..." or "A night out on the town ;)" (with one of those winks @ the end)

Also, I live in an apartment complex and was wondering if it's a good idea to start dating a neighbor?

Thanks so much!
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CARLOS XUMA'S ADVICE:

That's what I'm talking about!

PASSION!

That's the fuel for an Alpha Man's life. If you just embrace these concepts, you'll create a lifestyle that other men will envy.

Your question about the AIM "away" message is interesting. You see, I've never thought of these things in terms of what will get a certain response, but only in the message I want to communicate to women. I want them to know that:

A) I'm moving forward in life. I've got goals and purpose.

B) I don't NEED women. I want them, but I don't need them.

C) I'm one fun motherf*cker to be with

By operating on the basis of acting on principle rather than results, I stop chasing the carrot. I don't alter my path to get something. I know that even if I don't get what I would have liked from the interaction, I will learn, I will be sticking to my beliefs and values, and I will not be sacrificing integrity.

But you don't want a lecture on my philosophy, you just want to know what to say, right?

Here's what *I* would say:

"Gone out to find adventure in the REAL world... Back when I need a rest..."

"Life's an adventure... what are you doing in front of your computer?"

"I'm out having fun ... why aren't you with me?"

"Sorry, too busy to haunt my computer and geek out... Come out and play!"

Do I say this to GET a certain reaction? No. This is how I REALLY feel.

People talk about "natural" game a lot, and that's the essence of what I teach, but I also add in so much more. This is REAL Game, the ability to be real with a woman, AND attract her.

If you want to learn more about this concept, I suggest you learn about REAL GAME here...

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

World's Tallest Man Gets a Woman

Well, there's a man for every woman and a woman for every man...

Yes, I realize she is basically only waist high to him. Please don't send me any nasty questions about this one, guys:

http://www.cnn.com/2007/WORLD/asiapcf/03/28/china.tall.ap/index.html?eref=rss_topstories

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

When women avoid you...

Hey Carlos,

I've been getting some strange female behavior in my martial arts classes. When I am there I am pretty aloof as I am there to train, and there isn't a lot of talk time between beginning and end. But we have a neutral/platonic ritual where we walk around the room and touch knuckles to everyone in the class. This usually goes well, but certain women in the class, usually the attractive ones, are the only ones who avoid ME, while being fine with the other men in the room.

I am the only black guy in the class if that even matters, but I don't see why it should. One gal was doing that for a while, then would start talking to me about class, so we'd chat, and the other day she's like "tell me you name," and told me hers. I tend to really take it slow in this situation since approaching just isn't the focus there. I took your advice seriously about learning to defend yourself and train continuously in krav maga 3 times a week, plus 1 conditioning class, in addition to working one on one with a master teaching me Filipino martial arts, escrima stick and knife fighting.

So yeah I'm serious and focused here, but I don't understand the avoidance. It's not the end of the world, or a problem per se, but I would like to understand what dynamic is at play here, and the Alpha reponse to it. Thanks a million coach.

-Mario
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CARLOS XUMA'S ADVICE:

You sound a bit sensitive to this situation.

I suggest you make a point to go over and approach 1 (ONE) of these women and try to bond on a friendship level with her. Leave any desire for her sexually out of the equation. By breaking the ice with one of them, I expect you’ll be able to get more attention from the others, too.

My suspicion is you’re still giving off a different vibe to these women as opposed to the rest. There’s nothing different about them than the rest, no matter what you might think. So they are feeling treated differently on some subtle level.

And, no, race really doesn't have anything to do with this situation.

I also suggest you explain your mindset to them when you talk to them. They probably think you're a bit aggro and stand-offish. It's good to be focused, but you also have to be human, right?

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

Sexless marriage... How do you handle it?

I supose this question will be different from what you're used to. I bought your books a few years ago and they really changed my thinking and attitude. The question is this. I have been married for ten years in a bad marriage that came about simply because I hadn't read your books at the time. I have two young daughters.

My wife has not slept with me in years. I now have the ability to meet and interact with women in a much improved way. My question is more to your excellent life skills than your dating skills. Should I stay in a sexless marriage and try and improve the situation or move on and break up a family? Is my own happiness that important?

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CARLOS XUMA ANSWERS:

Wow, this is a hell of a thing to answer.

I can't tell you definitively whether to leave or to stay, but I will tell you this:

SOMETHING MUST CHANGE!


There are a couple of reasons you need to act very soon - I guarantee you that she is getting it somewhere if it's not at home.

I would say try this:

1) Seduce your wife.

Yeah, you heard me. See if there is anything there worth saving. Use what you've learned to restart the fire. You have to try, otherwise you'll always wonder if there was anything you could have done.

2) Get into some kind of counseling ASAP.

You don't get into this situation without a lot of resentment and unspoken issues that got buried. You need a pro to help you dig them out and expose them to the light. If they stay hidden, you'll never be able to have even an amicable divorce. Like it or not, she's the mother of your kids (hopefully) and no matter what happens, you'll need to be on a good footing if you want to stand a chance of there being a positive future with them.

3) If she won't work with you, you have to consider that your presence is not going to help anything.

After the kids are gone she WILL divorce you. I can pretty much guarantee it. And she'll take a significant portion of everything you own - right at the moment and what you acquire between now and then.

You're not necessarily "breaking up a family." Let me explain...

1) Life is precious. Every minute wasted in a situation you don't want to be in only hurts everyone that much more. You shape your kids by the environment they live in. If it's dead and lifeless at home, just think of how that stunts their emotional growth. Kids need passion and life.

2) Kids are tougher than we give them credit for. It's not divorces that mess kids up; it's not managing their issues when you break up. You will probably cause much more damage to your kids by keeping them in a passively hostile environment

Another option is to have an open marriage where you agree to stay together to help the kids, but you both get your business taken care of elsewhere. I'm not a big fan of this arrangement because it doesn't solve any problems except your own selfish needs. The kids still grow up confused and disconnected.

Bottom line: Get this thing moving forward, or get the hell out.

You've only got one life, and it's draining out of you moment by moment. Martyrs don't help their families - Alpha Men do.

If you're wondering how to learn the attitude of an Alpha Man, just go here...

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

Bad vibe...

Hi Carlos,

I'm just finished to watch your Alpha immersion program. It's an excellent product! Even after 3 full years of studying the best life and dating coaches around, I find that your ideas are very well put together and strongly communicated.

These days I'm having lots of big realizazions about the game and about lots of blind spots in my character and my perception of reality.

Last night I faced a big challenge. I met a friend of mine who is also very committed to improving himself and his game. Now, even though we meet regularly and discuss about goals, game and generally support each other during hard moments, we are at a point of our evolution that is killing the high vibe that we used to have together.While at a bar, I realized that his state was not the best and as a consequence his communication was poor. However, my intention was to relax, network and generally appreciate the people who were at that bar. I was in a playful mode...I bantered a bit with him, slagging him about the expensive drink he had bought for himself telling him that he was like a high maintenance chick...

His reaction was short but clear:

"You see? this is not vibing! you are talking to me as if you were talking to a chick!! you are putting me down and this is killing our rapport!!"

I felt like ok...cool...this is not working...back to small talk...but of course from then on he was looking at me as I was saying the wrong thing every time I opened my mouth...

So I just kept opening girls on my own...only to practice and have fun...

After a few moments, he left...saying: "This is not working...". We said goodbye with the awareness that it's ok to have some nights off and that true friendship has to go through moments in which you are honest about what you think of each other...

What am I missing here? there are some pieces missing here...I know it. How would you look at this situation?

Thank you in advance

Francesco
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CARLOS XUMA'S ADVICE:

Your friend sounds a bit judgmental on the surface. He wasn't providing helpful feedback, only that kind of insecure energy that feels - as you said - like everything out of your mouth is wrong. If you get that feeling with anyone you're with, man or woman, it's negative energy. When you're out with someone who is criticizing in such a harsh and unproductive way, it's better to separate yourself from them. The best thing he could do for you was leave, and I sense he did that because of frustration with himself that he projected on you.

You see, most people have very elaborate social mechanisms they use that allow them to control and manipulate the other person in the conversation. It's subtle, but man is it ever in there. Some people are so skilled at this that you feel like you were bitch slapped and jerked off at the same time.

Your attitude was the healthiest of the two of you.

The key is to never let the other person dictate:

1) Your feelings

2) The course of the conversation


In other words, do not REACT to other people. That's how other people play with what they sense are weaker personalities. They make you feel on the defense, and suddenly you find your behavior curbing to meet their expectations.

It's the toughest line to draw when you're learning because you know there are areas to improve on, and you don't want to be a hard-ass and miss something because your ego got in the way.

At the end of the day, only you can make the final judgment as to what needs to happen next, or where you need to change your course, or yourself. And you'll never be ABSOLUTELY SURE you're right.

That's what it is to be a human being.

But, you now have a guide for that in the form of the Alpha Immersion Program. I put years of research into that program so that guys everywhere could understand the principles of social dynamics with women, and really get their lives on track. If you can't attend one of my seminars, then the Alpha Immersion Program is the next best thing...

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

Blind Spots in Your Awareness

Hey carlos!!! , how is it going? My name´s Ricardo, I'm from Argentina and im 23 years old. I´ve been reading and following your materials for months.

At the beginning, I only focused on the techniques, I was "idealistic" so I went out on nights with a "script" to follow. I had no real interest in the girl I was talking to, so my game came across as unnatural and fake. Soon I realized that before even thinking about using a technique, you have to be coherent within yourself, you have to be calm, happy, and you have to discover your source of happiness in life. Its not about pick up lines, its about sharing your personality with the females, it´s about having a good time for yourself, AND to make HER have a good time WITH you...you might be reading this and thinking "ok, this guy has a good point, so whats his problem/question?"...well, here it is:

I have a good friend, I consider him a wuss...he displays clingy behaviours, he almost never acts cocky and funny, but he's persistent with girls...he engages their logical brain. So we may be on the beach, or in the night club, and we start talking to girls....lately, we met a gorgeous chick.

I acted REALLY cocky and funny with her, teased her, I also got the "slaps in the arm" that everybody mentions a lot. I totally controled the frame...the girl was with her mother, so at the beggining, I "gamed" the mother, and then I started to game both the mother and her daughter..they were both really happy and enjoyed my presence. Me and my friend got their emails, BUT the girl ended up hooking up with him and not me...as I told you, he is persistent and he asked her out in the first chat talk, but I decided to act more aloof and uninterested...

I kinda dont like to go out instantly with a girl I just met... I prefer to take the time to get to know her a little bit before going out, and, since attraction isn´t a choice, and i´m pretty sure I triggered attraction in that girl and he did not..., I wonder why did I fail, or why did that girl not choose to wait a bit until I asked her out...im pretty sure I triggered attraction in her because of her responses....

I also admit that I did not asked too many "rapport building" questions to her. I prefer to build rappor after making out and not before. am I right?? when is it a good time to start building rapport?? is it good to build rapport when you first meet a perfect 10??...is it good to use extreme cocky and funny materials in low energy enviroments like a beach or a park??...or should I turn it down a little??

What worries me is that this is not the first time that this guy who has no game, ends up hooking up with a girl that we both meet and I don´t. So I suspect I have a BIG blindspot and I need your help... I enjoy a LOT acting cocky and funny with girls... I think it´s one of the things I enjoy the most in life...so sometimes I might be crossing the line and forgetting to build rapport...

Well, I would be really thankful if you could read this email and answer my questions. I know that a lot of guys who are kind of "advanced" in your materials have the same problem than me...

thanks a lot!!

Ricardo

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CARLOS ANSWERS:

Well, Ricardo, you're understanding some things at a

This is a case of seeing the exception (that you once thought was the rule) and using it as evidence to doubt yourself.

I'll tell you what your friend has going for him - he ACTS. Quickly and decisively.

You see, you can make all sorts of excuses as to why you chose to wait, but the fact is that you waited too long to let her know that this was going somewhere. Women are very sensitive to guys who swoop in with this clever game and then it never seems to formulate into anything because they won't escalate.

You'll see a lot of guys who seem to have this great game up front.
They'll approach - No problem.
They'll chat her up - No problem.
They'll even get some indications of attraction - No problem.

And that's because they've been working on this part of their game for so long that they're afraid of venturing outside the comfort zone for fear of failure. When they get close to a new realm of discomfort - somewhere they might fail - they back off and stay safe.

Here are some points for you to consider:

1) Don't compare.

Sure, it's easy to look at some other guy's success, and then at your own lack of success and think that they're some correlation. Sometimes there is, but often times it's a matter of comparing apples to oranges. And in the process, you start doubting yourself because you're not like the other person.

Nothing matters but your own results taken in an objective review. Drop the comparison game, because it will KILL your real game.

2) Don't get stuck on a "rule based" approach method

Yes, there is a "game" element to this, but it's still social interaction, and as such, it requires more flexibility and fluidity. The second you start adhering to a script or a plan on the interaction, you lose sight of the reality in the interaction.

Instead, back off on the rules and just go into an approach laid-back and relaxed. When she tests you, that's when you can respond with something a bit rehearsed, but don't get caught up in a flowchart of human interaction. It doesn't work this way.

3) Ease off the cocky and funny

I'd be willing to bet that you're starting attraction quite well, but you're not calibrating it to the woman and knowing when to get REAL with her. As a result, you're destroying trust because she senses you're just a one-dimensional creature from the planet "cocky."

Again, the reason you're probably so content to be such a ball-buster is because A) there's a natural part of you that enjoys it and it's congruent, and B) you're also using it as a shield to hide your REAL personality from her. Drop the facade and start showing true value through your confidence in your own personality.

4) Build rapport as you are building attraction

Start to open up and be a bit more vulnerable in your interactions. This doesn't mean revert to your old wussy ways. What I mean is to show the human side of yourself. One thing many guys don't realize when they start using strategies for attraction is that they are tools, and without the human side, women aren't going to be interested.

You say on one hand that you want to get to know her a bit better before going out with her, but on the other hand you're not doing anything to get to know her better - like asking rapport-based questions.

And what better way to get to know someone than to go out with her as soon as possible? How else did you plan on "getting to know her?" It sounds to me like you've set the game up to fail already.

(You can do what you "like to do" or you can do what gets you results. Which do you think is better for your long-term success?)

Again, this goes back into rules-based interaction versus "vibing" and being little more flexible.

5) Forget the "aloof and disinterested" ploy

Again, another over-used and not-so-understood tactic. Aloof and disinterested is not what a woman wants from you. You can play this game with strippers and women with the intellect of a Bic pen, but not on any women you'd want to spend more than 5 minutes with.

6) Escalate faster!

She needs to know as soon as possible that there is a chance of romantic interest, or you'll lose her interest.

It really doesn't matter if you're more comfortable getting to know her over time. Getting better with women (and socially) isn't about being comfortable - it's about building a skill that will EVENTUALLY feel perfectly comfortable.

Do what is necessary when it's necessary. Get an "insta-date" right away if you can, because you'll only save yourself more time in the process of "getting to know her."

Make sense?

And if you want to know the deep, inside strategies of approaching women, I suggest you look at THIS.

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

How do you handle poisonous women?

Here is a question I have for you that may be better suited for a therapist, but, hey, you're in the game so here goes.

Back in 2004 & 2005, I was involved with a woman that had so much game, she would put most attendees to your seminars off balance. No, really. And true to form, back in that time, I did everything, I mean everything you have preached NOT to do. Send flowers? Hey, not once a month, no, no, no. Once a week for over a year. Not standing up for myself? The quintissential milk toast. You name it, I did it. I would have done just about anything for this woman. Getting the picture?

Obviously, the relationship-you can't really call it that-deteriorated into a nothingness. Admittedly, both of us were cruel to one another at various times and, admittedly, most of the problems that incurred were as a direct result of me being a very pathetic excuse for a human being. But at one point, I told her, hey, I needed a break from her. She agreed. Two days later, she calls me up and said can't we try it one more time. Of course with my head stuck so far up an orifice in an impossibly anatomical position, I caved.

Two months later, again I said I need a break from her. Two days later she comes over to my house again asking to give it one more try. Again, still with my head firmly implanted in that same orifice, I caved. Couldn't say no. Finally, finally, I break it off, SEVEN months later.

Now, here is the question. She's calling now in 2007 wanting to have lunch. Keep in mind, everyone, and I mean everyone, loves this lady. She's funny, unbelievably witty, USED to be very sexy to me. I really want to say I do not want to share lunch with someone who I know has the capacity for that kind of cruelty and the ability to manipulate as very few can. Oh, one more thing. I occasionally have to work with this woman. Perfect!

But where I am right now, I don't want to make room in my world for someone who has the capacity for cruelty and manipulation. It's not out of arrogance, bitterness or anger. It's just a rock solid knowingness that I do not want to share my world with someone like that.

What would you do? Any thoughts on what to say in a PHONE call? Geez, this is like that Mark Twain thang, I didn't have time to send you a short letter so I wrote you a long one.

Oh, by the way, part of how I got here, where I am right now, was listening to what you and David D say.
Any thoughts would be appreciated.

David
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CARLOS XUMA'S ADVICE:

Always a great question from you, Dave...

As guys, we often find there are these women with a strange power over us. We love to hate them.

There are 2 ways I can see you handling this situation, and either would work depending on where you are on your Alpha Man path right now:

1) Ignore her, avoid the lunch, but be friendly.

2) View this as an opportunity to learn and grow.

What a fantastic challenge! I love having people like this in my life because they represent a unique opportunity - to take my social skills to the next level and figure out a complicated and tricky situation. It's like a puzzle I've been assigned to solve. A rubik's cube of human psychology.

I understand that women like this can be very tiring to handle, and you'd probably just as soon NOT have to deal with her, but since you have to for work, why not make the most of it?

First - Get her to take you to lunch. You deserve a free meal today. Tell her: "Okay, but lunch is on you this time."

Second -, as far as what to say on the call, use it as a chance to try out a few things.

Let's say she's got an evil streak of putting people down. I'd probably bait her into putting someone down, and then see if you can get her to turn her own opinion down.

HER: "Oh, Sheila is SUCH a bitch! I can't believe they haven't fired her."
YOU: "So you're saying she doesn't have ANY redeeming qualities?"
HER: "Not really."
YOU: "Well what do you suppose she would say about you?"
HER: "Uh, I guess she might say I'm a control freak."
YOU: "Hmm. Are you?"

You see what you can do with a little mischievous curiosity? You can start to learn the subtleties of social control and persuasion. Think of her as your personal lab project that you're doing a research study on. That's how I handle these people.

This is something I cover in detail in my new program, by the way: Alpha Man Conversation & Persuasion.

I'm not saying you have to date the woman, only let her help you with your own goals. Remember, everyone will either enlist you to help them with their goals, or help you with yours.

Which do you prefer?

If you're ever in a situation where you're forced to deal with a difficult person, it's your own personal obligation to make the most of the situation. I have someone in my life like this, and I use the opportunity to see what I can accomplish with my newest skills.

My point is simply this: Don't get TOO used to avoiding difficult situations and people. You may be taking the easy way out.

I cover the complete ins and outs of handling difficult people in my Alpha Man Conversation & Persuasion program.

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

What makes a guy a "player?"

Just wanted to pass this on to you.
I asked a girl I met online about what makes a guy a player.

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Me - What makes a guy a player in your mind?

HER - I think guys become players because they got hurt when they gave someone their all. they were so in love with a woman that they did any and everything to keep her but she did him wrong anyway. so now he has issues with trusting women and stays away from serious relationships because he doesn't want to be hurt again.

Me - What I really wanted to know is what makes a guy a player.

HER - ohhh. okay. well if a guy has alot of women that would make him a player in my opinion... also he intentionally misleads women and manipulates them. Women deal with emotions and any guy who plays games with a womans heart is a player to me...

=======================================

Any comments?
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CARLOS XUMA'S ADVICE:

Women typically define men this way. What they won't tell you is that she won't call him a player if he's just got a lot of women in his life. He's only a player when she doesn't think she can trust him.

In other words, this label is used to manipulate men to behave monogamously, even when it is not desirable or necessary for him to behave this way. She wants a man that other women want. But she won't trust him if he doesn't achieve the right level of rapport and connection with her.

She is right that women deal in emotions, and I like her statement that a man that "plays" games with her heart is a player. This is much more accurate a definition. That's what she fears.

If you've read The Dating Black Book, you'll know how to handle this situation with a woman...

You don't want to give off that "player" vibe. And you can learn how HERE...

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

Men and Marriage...

This question comes from my long-lost blonde girl in Northern Virginia... What's your question, Anne?
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Why do men want to get married so much? I read that, for the first time in human history, the number of SINGLE women is higher than the number of MARRIED women. AND, that 80% of all divorces are initiated by the woman.

As I get older, it seems like men really really want marriage. I'm like "why?".

Unless you're going to have kids, what's the point in marriage? Men seem really really needy as they get older. It's a big turn-off, IMHO. LOL! I mean, sheesh, go out with your friends or something already! All my free time doesn't have to be spent with you. ugh.
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CARLOS XUMA'S ADVICE:

This is a big problem for guys across the board.

To be honest, they're turning into wusses. Confused about their gender role, most guys are turning feminized, and women are also getting masculinized.

80% of women initiate divorces - I believe - because of the following progression:

1) Guy meets girl, they fall in love, get married, yadda yadda.

2) Guy and girl are happy for about 2-3 years (the first "itch" actually happens around year 3 if they have no children...)

3) Guy and girl are tempted, maybe even succumb to the realities of sexual attraction to other people

4) Regardless of their infidelity, the man gets complacent and boring, often deferring all the decisions over to the woman to steer their relation-ship, and she begins to resent it. "Hey! I didn't sign on for this!"

5) As the man's testicles continue to shrink (insert graphically funny cartoon sound of shrinkage here), the woman is definitely looking around at her options.

6) She realizes he's going to continue to wuss out, and she has lost ALL attraction for him.

7) He comes home to an empty house with a divorce lawyer on the answering machine. (I'm reminded of the scene in "True Lies" where one of the guys says, "She even took the ice cube trays. What kind of sick bitch takes the ice cube trays out of the freezer?")

Sad but true, my friends.


The fact is that if guys were more masculine up front, we'd have very little of this problem on the back end. And if they kept their "end up," so to speak, women could feel secure in his masculine strength. When he gives up the ability to lead the relationship (captain at the helm), they're headed for a Titanic ending. (And I don't mean the dream sequence where Rose goes back to the ship to meet up with Jack...)

I think that as guys get older, they are very afraid of being alone, and they also hurry into a marriage to "lock" something in. Women, on the other hand, are quicker to divorce and slower to re-marry. They realize that they don't need men for the same reasons anymore.

I left in your last comment because it is so poignant. Guys do need their own goals and path in life.

I've distilled it down to the 3 "P"s of a man's life (which I may expand to 4 or 5 depending on how clever I get), and you'll hear about them on my Advanced Coaching Program.

The one P that all men must have for women to feel satisfied with them is "PURPOSE."

That's a purpose beyond women. Contrary to popular misconception, women do NOT want to be your sole focus. That's trash from some songwriters who aren't getting laid. (Which is a whole other topic of guys who channel their sexual frustration into art, but let's end this before the sun sets...)

Guys, as I say - and as women are telling us - it's time to...

MAN UP.

Get the Secrets...

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

Weird vibe...

Hi Carlos,

Learning to apply less is more with phone contact hasn't had the result it seems it should.

To much contact: I come off as needy and girls completely freeze and wont reply to text or voice messages.

To little contact: we dont meet, the vibe dissappears and things dry up.

Out of 17 girls I have had intimate encounters with in the last year NONE of them have called me unsolicited unless we have already had sex.


This is a big picture is...

I realised this is pretty much a mirror image of my social life, period. People simply dont invite me to be in their presence, whether its clubbing, party, coffee, hangout.

Example:
When texting 15 people casual invites to join me watching some free white water kayaking a month ago 6 people replied, no takers. None of them have returned invites since.

What it is that I'm 'putting out' in my overall vibe that's causing this...?


Cheers, Andy
Australia

______________________
CARLOS:

The reality is that in many cases (more in some cultures than in others) women simply WILL NOT help you in the early stages.

Why?

Two big reasons:

1) She knows it's always better for the guy to start the chase.

2) She will only know if you're interested if you're doing the work.

So she just won't help you out, but she won't necessarily shoot you down, either.

The simple fact is that most people don't work too hard to get your friendship if they are already the type of person that would be good for you to have in your life. (i.e., not needy or desperate themselves.) If they're too eager for your friendship, they probably will drive you nuts, really.

Now, it's easy to look at this reaction from people (male or female), and reflect it back on your own value, as if you're not desirable.

If you want to increase your social circulation, recognize that people just won't try too hard. In fact, if you want to keep a guy friend, you'll probably have to work even harder, because most guys are really lazy about their social lives.

It's difficult for me to tell what the "vibe" is without experiencing you first-hand, but I'll guess that this frustration and eagerness is coming through in your attitude.

Hang back, but continue to persist in inviting people into your world through events and parties and what-not. Friendships (and relationships with women) take a lot of liftoff power, just like a rocket, but once you break the gravity of someone's lackadaisical attitude, you'll find more friends. You're just not proven enough yet.

Work on reducing your tendency to push and be too THERE with people. Relax and have fun with every encounter. People want to be around people who A) Make them feel good about themselves, B) are easy to be around.

Remember, those who are hungry rarely get fed, but those who are already fed get even more...

To learn more about the social strategies that will help you get better social circulation, you should learn better Conversation & Persuasion.

CLICK HERE...

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

Carlos Xuma on "Sex with Emily"

Well, in case you didn't catch the audio of our program, you can at least see me with Emily on Saturday night's show...

Take a look:

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

Do you have an itch you need to scratch?

I gotta ask you, [in your e-books], you said, theres nothing wrong with getting with a woman to sleep with you without wanting a serious relationship.

Well, I have a girlfriend that is pretty good in bed, but theres another one here that wants me pretty bad. I have to admit, I'd love to do something with her like oral or sex with a condom, but I dont want to hurt my steady live-in gf. This other girl is constantly hittin on me and shes' sexy although not as sexy as my current gf.

I put this in the forums, but nobody answered. I asked [another advisor] this a few months ago and he said once you find a good one, then dont cheat on her, but I cant help feelin attracted to these other hotties that flirt with me pretty heavily.
______________________
CARLOS XUMA'S ADVICE:

Look, if you're looking for my permission or justification to cheat on your girlfriend, don't bother. You don't need my permission. We're not talking about a moral judgment here, really... And this is something I cover in my book: The Dating Black Book.

Guys are not biologically wired for monogamy. Or psychologically, really. But there's a lot of literature out there that tells you you "should be" and that it's a "sin" to do otherwise. I'm not going to get all moral on you. That's your own thing to figure out. Eventually, you can and will be able to stay with just one woman.

But if you want to be a man of character and values, define for yourself why you have a live-in girlfriend when it's obvious that you don't want that monogamy thing.

?

Take a second to really think about that one.

I have a good idea what belief is at work underneath:

1) You've got a good chick in your life, but like so many other guys, you think the grass is greener on the other side. Or, at least you want to find out.

2) The thrill - the novelty - of the new chick is staring at you there, and you're responding to the need for sexual conquest.

3) There's a possibility that things are getting dull in your current situation, and you either need to move on or put some energy back into it to fix it.

You're going to be attracted to other women your whole life. The question will always be: "What are you going to do about it?"

When you get to the point where you emotionally understand that there is really very little difference between women, and that it all really boils down to the relationship you want to create with her, you'll be able to hone it down to just one...

Until then, figure out what you prefer for yourself right now - the experience of many women, or the loyalty of just one.

Remember, you'll learn more about yourself in the context of a long term relationship than you will anywhere else. But you may not need one right now, and that's fine.

If you want to learn more about the Dating Continuum, I suggest you read my definitive book on the subject: The Dating Black Book.

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

Are pickup artists for real?

Carlos,
I just want to let you know that I am a huge fan of your podcasts and recently purchased your Secrets of the Alpha Man program and it has helped me out tremendously with my own inner game and self confidence. I also recently stumbled across Neil Strauss' The Game and am just wondering if this was the real deal?

Are these suduction artists for real? What is your opinion of this book since I noticed that it wasnt on your list of books to read at the end of the Secrets of the Alpha Man E-book?

Thanks,
Lynon
______________________
CARLOS XUMA'S ADVICE:

The reason that it wasn't listed is because my program has been out for a few years longer. Neil's book came out relatively recently.

As for whether or not pickup artists are for real, I have to make a confession... Many people would consider me one of them. However, I don't subscribe to all of the same beliefs regarding the development of the art of attraction. This is a game that is won from the inside-out, not the outside-in.

Neil's book is a very good (and dramatically enhanced) read, as I'm sure you're aware. It does accurately depict the development of this skill set, but let's be brutally honest - the tale has been written with book sales in mind. That being said, I loved it, and I even went so far as to speak at Neil's book signing event here in San Francisco a while back. Neil's a great guy.

Look, we're not super-heroes or anything. We just developed a skill for human interaction that builds attraction with women very fluently and effectively. These skills are not patterns to learn and memorize; they are lifestyle choices and character development that you can use to build a life of success - not just with women, but with every part of your world - financial, social, career, etc.

What most guys don't see is all the INCREDIBLE pain we went through to figure this out. We just time-compressed our training and worked out all the things that were holding us back from success.

Try-fail-fix-try-fail-fix-try-fail-fix....

SUCCESS!

And the beauty of it is that you can now get my fast-track information to skipping all that pain and enjoying all the gain...

Get IMMERSED in the Alpha Man.

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

Just don't go there, dude....

I'm big fan of your books and newsletters and they've helped me a lot etc
etc :)

But now I have a big question for you.A challenge maybe!

So some of my "old me" friends,shy people and maybe even wuss guys, meet some women but never do something with them. Point is some of them are really nice chicks and I feel like they are being wasted :/ So if I asked my friends for their phone numbers is there a way I could seduce em without appearing creepy and stalker? After all I have her number but she's never met me before! You may say that it's a waste of time since there are so many other women out there but I just see it as a challenge :)

Spyros,19,Greece
______________________
CARLOS XUMA'S ADVICE:

My knee-jerk reaction is that tapping into this area for more women is courting more problems than anything else.

I appreciate that you see it as a challenge and a problem for you to overcome, but you'll risk alienating your male friends as a cost of this little maneuver, and that's just not worth it.

Not to mention the weirdness that ensues when you explain who you are to these women. "Yeah, I thought I'd call you so I could offer you sloppy seconds!" Or howabout: "Yeah, I'm the guy you know even less than the guy you probably didn't want to go out with."

Wow, that's a winning situation.

There are no women going to waste in this world if you're out there finding them. You should be so overwhelmed and inundated with your own prospects that you don't have the time to worry about the ones that you don't meet.

Think ABUNDANCE!

When you feel like you have to resort to the low-rank prospects, you're thinking from scarcity. Even when it appears to be a challenge in disguise.

Instead, here's how you find all new women to attract into your life: Approach Women - NOW.

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

Here comes a wicked bitch slap...

Hi Carlos,

I have purchased the Secrets of Alpha Man a few days back. I have read a few pages because right away I want to tell you I am in a big problem, and im not being able to carry on. I'm sure it will look silly to you but believe me, man, to me, it's really not.

I love a girl. She knows it. She is really beautiful and gets constantly proposal I guess. She knows I love her as I have already told her. She was really in love with her ex and she had a big blow because he cheated on her. She tells me thats the past and she wants to stay alone now.

Initially she gave me signs that she was interested and she was. but then suddenly she will be seeming to back off. yesterday she messaged me and told me that "she is sorry and that she cannot give what I am expecting form her,she recognize that she was a bit at fault because she gave me some hope with her attitude and that she wont do it now, and she is sorry".

I told her I know that she is confused and undecisive. She told me may be yes and she wants to stay alone. I even asked her if she is seeing somebody. she said no.

Guru, I know you'll tell me DUMP HER and find 5 other girls. The thing is that I really really really want to get her man. Please I would ask you to tell me what the things I can do in this context to get her to me. I know her,if I stop contacting her for two weeks in order "for her to miss me" etc etc, its almost like me losing her for good.

Please tell me,what can I do to get her back. PLEASE. Make it as if going to get 10 other girls is really out of question for me.

I really hope you help me out.

Thanks.

Regards.

A
______________________
CARLOS XUMA'S ADVICE:

Congratulations!

You're obsessed. You've lost control of your own thinking and you're letting yourself getting wrapped up in one woman.

I smell crisis coming up for you, and I want to help you but...

Sorry, buddy, but your mind has been hijacked, and you need a bitch slap to get you back on track. Call it tough love, but I'm going to rip into you a little here. If it's too much, you can always stop and blow your nose, dab the tears from your eyes, and whimper for a while.

When you say "going to get 10 other girls is really out of question for me," here's what you're really saying:

1) "I don't have the mental self discipline to control my emotions"

2) "I now think I'm the advisor because I'm telling him what NOT to tell me, even if I know it is true"

3) "I am crazy, obsessed, and I refuse to take the steering wheel of my own state back under my control."

Look, I hate to burst your bubble, but there's nothing ANYONE can do to help you. You're so immersed in a scarcity mindset ("this woman is the only one for me!") you'll be lucky if your testicles don't shrivel up and disappear.

You want her?

Stop being a woman! That's why she doesn't want you. A man can walk away from a woman that doesn't want him. All you're doing is further proving just how much you're lost in her, how no other women want you, and the needy kind of desperation that will NEVER attract her.

By the way, I forgot to tell you: You already lost her. She's gone. You're too late.

She backed off from you because you ran her over with your desperation.

Oh, and that part about her not seeing anyone else? Prepare yourself for yet another merciless bitch slap...

She probably is seeing another guy. And he's a jerk. And he's banging her right now.

(Sound of crowd: "OHHHHHHH! That's GOTTA hurt!")

It sure oughta.

Now take that pain you're feeling and use it - use it as fuel to transform your attitude from desperate clingy whiner to powerful Alpha Man.

Rather than spend a thousand times the effort on this woman to get her back, why not man-up and learn the right mindset. If you resist my advice and continue down this path, you're just saying you're un-coachable.

Bottom line: You better read the rest of my program QUICK. The reason you're not getting what you want is because you're turning into a wuss faster than the speed of light.

But I have high hopes for you.

You think this is painful, imagine what will happen if you keep going further and further down the drain? I'm throwing you a lifeline, my brother. Wake up and grab it.

Here's a story you might appreciate:

There came a big flood, and the water around Jim's house was rising steadily..

Jim was standing on the porch, watching water rising all around him, when a man in a boat came along and called to him, "Get in the boat and I'll get you out of here." Jim replied, "No thanks, God will save me."

Jim went into the house, and the water was starting to pour in. So, he went up to the second floor.

As he looked out, another man in a boat came along, and he called to Jim, "Get in the boat and I'll get you out of here."

Again, Jim replied, "No thanks. God will save me."

The water kept rising. So, Jim got out onto the roof.

A helicopter flew over, and the pilot called down to Jim, "I'll drop you a rope, grab onto it, and I'll get you out of here."

Again Jim replied, "No thanks. God will save me."

The water rose and rose, and soon nearly covered the whole house. Jim fell in, and drowned.

When he arrived in Heaven, he saw God, and asked Him, "Why didn't you save me from that terrible flood? Did I not show you my faith?"

God replied, "What more did you want? I sent people in two boats and a helicopter!"


Don't confuse your fear with your path. If you let your emotions steer you, we'll just wave to you as you go over the falls. But if you reach out, your salvation is right in front of you.

The Secrets are Here...

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

Carlos Xuma on the radio and television this week...

The world is starting to recognize the Alpha Man!

Carlos will be appearing live on the "S-e-x with Emily" radio
show here on 106.9 FM radio in San Francisco this Saturday night 3/17/2007.

He'll be talking with Emily about everyone's favorite topic...

With a little spring cleaning advice.

The call in number is 1.888.500.1069 and we will be live from 11pm
- 12am PST. A live stream from the station can be found at
http://www.1069freefm.com/

If you want to read up on Emily, go to her site here:
http://www.sexwithemily.com

Also, Carlos will be on ABC10 here in the Sacramento area on Sac. &
Co. morning show on 3/21/2007 to discuss his take on dating and
attraction.


Tune in and enjoy the fun, Alpha Men...

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

So is it all about getting laid?

I read a lot. It's the curse of being in this field that you tend to read anything out there on social interaction and dating. I've been doing this a long time, so I can assure you that I've read a lot.

I even read a lot of other newsletters, and I have to tell you that I find it disheartening at times. It seems that a lot of guys have slipped into a mode of "get laid fast," as a method of increasing their self-esteem. They have no sense of balance in their lives, and are chasing a quick lay in clubs every night as a method of validation.

This isn't a "lifestyle," my Alpha Brothers.

But there is promise out there. I see a lot of other 'gurus' in this field have started to adopt a smarter mindset and now put aside a lot of their "routines" and "canned material" in favor of a more natural and realistic game.

I'm not trying to be superior here, but I've always noticed that when it comes to attracting women, going after the sex and the pursuit of women has always been the wrong goal.

When you pursue your own quality of life - your own Alpha Manhood, you always come out a better man, and a more attractive man to women.

Forget the tricks and clever hypnotic scripts.

Learn REAL Game and be a genuine and authentic Alpha Man.

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

The phone rules...

I have known this girl for a little over a week. We've gotten pretty close and a little physical. But I was just wondering about how I should call her.

I know the rules for calling a girl that you just met: waiting a couple days before calling, only calling once or twice a week, and keeping the conversation limited. But what are the rules for talking to a girl that you're kind of close to but not dating.

Should I call her every day or every other day and how long should I talk to her?

Thanks,
T in VA
______________________
CARLOS XUMA'S ADVICE:

The rule is really "Do what makes the most sense..."

Remember my new mantra:

Act according to principle, not for manipulation.

In other words, you do what's right because it comes from confidence and character rather than a desired result.

The reality of the Alpha Man is that he's got too much going on to be too concerned about any single woman, until she has proven herself a keeper. (And, my friend, after one week, this woman is still a big MAYBE.)

He's so caught up in his own life and lifestyle that he doesn't really have the time to worry about calling her. In fact, he will occasionally get so caught up in his own busy lifestyle, passions, and goals that he forgets to call her.

Imagine that!

Right now, you're on the other side of this concept, where you don't quite have the Alpha mindset and the lifestyle, but you're trying to emulate it as best you can to get the best results. Hey, nothing wrong with that. That's how you learn this game.

My suggestion is this: Call her when you want to setup a time to get together with her. Don't get into long aching conversations about your childhoods on the phone. The phone is simply a tool - a connector to get you from this date to the next one. It is NOT about forging a relationship.

She needs to be totally jones-ing for your presence, like a drug addict that is aching for a fix. By calling her, you take the edge off it and she gets to feel less attraction.

Your first question should always be this: What is the right thing to do from principle?

Then ask yourself: Does this drive up her attraction for me, or lower it?

If you really think that out, you'll get the answer.

And if you want to completely understand the mindset of the Alpha Man and what makes his lifestyle and behavior so compelling and attractive to women, you need to GET THE SECRETS HERE...

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

The right way to escalate with women - and how to salvage it...

Hi Carlos,
I've heard you before on David DeAngelo's CDs and I'm an avid martial artist myself so I was fascinated that you trained at the authentic Shaolin Temple in China - must've been incredible.

I believe I already have the qualities that an Alpha Male possesses - I just feel that I either need more of a method or system to make my success with women more consistent.
I recently had this georgeous girl cut my hair and I was amazed at how aggressiveley she was hitting on me. Unless I'm crazy, she was dropping some serious IOIs. I called her to go for drinks and it just never materialized. She didn't return my calls.
This was close to 2 weeks ago. I really thought there was a strong immediate attraction between the two of us. I don't want to call again because I don't want to look needy or desperate.
Should I just move on to the next one? Is there any way to salvage the situation?
Best always,
D.R.
______________________
CARLOS:
Well, first off, thanks about the Shaolin Temple recognition. Yes, it was about as cool as it gets, especially for a Martial Artist.
Now you said something very interesting that struck me, and I think you should be aware of it, too. You said: "I just feel that I either need more of a method or system to make my success with women more consistent."
It's not really a 'method' or 'system' you need, but the SELF-DISCIPLINE to actually BE consistent.
But, you do need the three primary areas handled to really build attraction quickly with women:
1) Inner Game
2) Motivation
3) Outer Game
Inner game is your confidence, your sense of self-esteem.
Motivation is your ability to control yourself enough to do what you should and avoid what you should not.
Outer Game is the external realization of your inner game and the motivation.
I explain this much more completely in my Alpha Immersion program, but suffice to say, your situation is confusing you unnecessarily.
You see, a lot of guys think that if they just get this magic bullet, they'll be able to have ANY woman they want. It doesn't work this way.

You did all the right things, and NO, you weren't mistaken; she was probably very into you.

I believe that the reason this never came together for you was because it flowed a bit like this:

1) She responded to your using your Alpha Man strategies the way she only could - with attraction.
STRONG attraction.

2) Her response to you did not raise your attraction for her. In fact, you relaxed a bit, figuring "Eh, I don't have to work that hard for this one. (This is a natural male reaction to a lack of challenge. This is why we need women to be a little aloof; it raises our Alpha fur and gets us going...) It's VERY subtle, and you probably didn't notice it until she failed to respond back to you.

3) Your lack of enthusiasm was sensed, and she backed off again to feel that sense of being pursued. Once the initial attraction is started, it rapidly cools.

4) Since some time elapsed between that initial contact and the time you called, she had time to cool off even more.

Next time, you escalate while the iron is still hot.

When a car salesman has you all excited and ready to go, does he ever say, "I'll give you a call next week and you can sign the papers to take this baby home."

No no no.

He puts a pen in front of you with the contract and says, "Let's get you driving home in that sweet little car tonight..."

So don't settle for phone numbers when she's ready to buy. Put her in the luxurious and sweet leather of your Alpha-mobile right away. Get the date right there.

So can you salvage it? Maybe.

Your next step is to call her until you reach her - every couple days or so. Or just go back to the place you got your hair cut and set a date right there for after work. Remind her about how funny and fun you are, and then seal the deal.

Be assertive.

Be the Alpha Man.

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

How do you handle when people bust on you?

Carlos,

I am running into a situation sort of like the Groundhog Day Movie where the same situation keeps happening to me as if destiny is throwing it at me over and over again. I haven't seen this question covered before. I have been using your materials and am finally starting to feel like I have at least a fair playing field when it comes to women. Anyways, here is my question. For the last few dates with my girlfriend someone has been exceptionally rude to me.

For example: We are setting in the drivethru area at a chicken joint that we had never been to before. I wasn't sure if we should keep driving after the waitress took our order (to the window or not). Well, a young dude dressed in red and yellow looked at me and said "move up to the window" in a tone of voice that sounded like an order. My girlfriend even said "that sounded like and order"... Cars were behind me, the order had already been given and our kids in the back seat were waiting for their food. So, I moved up to the window.

A similar situation happened last night when I took my girlfriend home. Her babysitter started bustin' on me. This one was tricky because I had to keep some decorum and I busted her back but the reality is that the sitter took home the trophy and I felt chagrin. My girlfriend even said "wow, she likes bustin' on you - it must be that cocky streak you have that she is after". The ealier part of the night was incredible and to end on a wuss note is not a great feeling.

Trust me. I would very much appreciate any advice you have and I will use it.

- Robert
______________________
CARLOS ANSWERS:

Now that's what I like - a guy who will take advice and USE it.

Okay, let's see what's going on here.

First, you're feeling a bit pissed off by the fact that these people are getting the better of you.

GOOD!

That means you still have a pair and you haven't been castrated down to a she-male girly-boy. It's perfectly natural for an Alpha Man to feel a bit spunky and enlivened by the challenge. It's when you let this stuff go that I would worry about you.

Second, you realized that this was a repeating pattern, and you needed to resolve it.

EXCELLENT!

The "Groundhog Day" example you mention is an awesome analogy to how you can approach this. Just like Bill Murray, you need to find out how to handle it so you don't go out of your freakin' mind.

I'll give you one way you can deal with this. I call it a "wild card" gambit.

What does this mean?

It's simply something you can say to end things on your terms.

What I like to use is something like: "Yeah, that sounds like a good one..." and then I throw them a VERY cocky and knowing smirk (a smirk is half a smile - think: James Bond). This throws them into a loop where it appears that I gave them the "win" but I maintained a smug and unspoken internal victory.

That never fails, but only when I have the ATTITUDE to back it up. If you say that with too little attitude or come from a weak posture, you'll lose again because you appear incongruent.

Look, it's tough to come up with the right thing to say on-the-spot. You have to have some of these gambits to pull out when you're just not feeling up to verbal sparring.

But if you'd like to learn how to spar the right way, and keep conversation going on your terms no matter what, you need to see my Alpha Man Conversation and Persuasion program.

You can find it here...

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

You are SO money!

On behalf of all the men in this world, I just wanted to personally THANK YOU!! You see I just finished reading your ebook Secrets of the Alpha Man, and I love this book.

Every word in that book is right on the money. I actually stopped talking to my friends for a few days just to read your book. and now that I am done. I can add your Secrets of the Alpha Man to my ammo. I'm currently reading your other ebook the Dating Black Book, then after that will be the Seduction Method. I expect more ebooks like these Carlos...

Most people are skeptical about any strategies or any advice for that matter about their love life, but until they can go out and try this stuff their just making themselves happy for not changing for the better.
I wish I could write more and tell you how much I love your ebooks but I understand you get emails from guys around the world so best of luck to you. And again thank you.

yours truly,
M
______________________
CARLOS:

I set out to create a program that guys could use to learn how to attract women - not with fake lines and fake "pickup" personalities, but REAL Game.

I remember the passion and excitement I had when writing that e-book and creating the program, and I'm totally jazzed when guys write in with their own personal revelations about it.

The honest Truth is this: Women do not want guys who use fake lines and fake attitudes.

But guys right now are in the middle of a vast, deceptive pool of mediocre information regarding what it takes to attract women. The RIGHT way. With heart and soul, and CONFIDENCE.

The good news is that you can cultivate a truly powerful persona of attraction that is ALL YOU.

You're going to be SO money, baby!

Go have a look at the program that started it all:
The Secrets of the Alpha Man

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

Uh-oh... He's got the hots for a woman that could take him down...

First of all I would like to thank you Carlos for a very well written and insightful system, I have been learning alot and gathering lots of knowlage from it. But, still I'm in a bit of a jam...

I have been getting to know one of my senseis at my dojo she is really cute, anyway I had been getting a vibe off of her, but I have been kind of hesitant to act on it. Last week she gave me her number out of nowere and asked me a couple of times to go to church with her, I said yes and hung out a while with her and her freinds.

Another thing is that she has a boyfriend, but I never see him around and she dosen't talk about him much. I've been trying to ignore her a bit or when I talk to her its quick and to the point, with a little playful teasing. I think my playing hard to get is getting her attention a bit.

She has left me a couple of messages on my phone that actually sounded like she was a little nervous, I kind of THINK she likes me, I definitely like her. I don't want to mess this up. I've been trying a few strategies from your system, like teasing, being unavailable, I get to show off a little of my athletic talent around her, she seems to like that. Anyway I'm really attracted to this girl and I don't want to mess things up, she's hot and an olympic gold medalist.

Help me out Carlos. Please!
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CARLOS:

Olympic Gold medalist, huh? Not too shabby.

Dude, after all these signs, if she isn't into you she should be roundhouse kicked in the head. Or maybe you should be.

Keep in mind that boyfriends are often a semi-imagined fixture in most women's lives. They have a guy that buys them dinner, and she gives him occasional nookie to keep him calm and reasonably satiated. Or maybe he doesn't exist and she uses that so that she can control the number of guys that hit on her from the dojo.

Here are the facts for you to focus on:

Number 1: Get rid of the "I don't want to mess this up" attitude. You're acting as if she's your last chance to bump uglies. This is a scarcity mindset and it will mess you up. You can't make an omelette without breaking a few eggs.

Number 2: It still sounds as if you're tentative about how this all works, and even using the strategies I outline in the books and audio. If it's working, you need to feel more confident about it. I hear a lot of "I think" and "maybe" and "seems to" and "sorta" in your language, which leads me to believe that you're not jumping in the pool.

Commitment to moving forward is what defines an Alpha Man, and I suggest you move forward more assertively and definitely.

Number 3: You're using strategies effectively, but now it's time to get REAL with her. Take action and either move this thing forward or bury it in the back yard and move on.

Seriously, if you don't move forward, she's going to lose interest because A) You look like a dumb dude who can't read the signals - which is interpreted as meaning you're not Alpha, or B) You don't appear to be interested because you're not taking any ACTION.

I really can't say this enough, guys - The Alpha Man MUST be the one moving things forward. He must be taking an active role in making things HAPPEN.

None of this sitting back and hoping that it will just move forward all by itself. It won't.

It's up to you, sensei seductor... are you going to make it happen?

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

Go ahead... TOTALLY mess this one up. There are more.

Carlos, this isn't necessarily a question for the show but rather a life question for future benefit. Since starting listening to your podcast I've noticed that without even trying my game has SERIOUSLY picked up. I've been getting women that previously I believe i shouldn't have.

Anyway, here's my dilemma: I'll be going home in about two weeks to visit a girl I've been seeing back home (I'm in college). She wants to have sex and I do too but as I said, my game has picked up and I've never actually gotten this far with a woman. I really like her and don't want to screw this up so I wanted to know if you have any suggestions for how to smoothly transition from making out to full on sex.

Any advice is appreciated...I'll have all night for 2 nights since I'll have the house to myself.

Thanks in advance,
Chris
______________________
CARLOS:

1) Drop the attitude of "not wanting to screw it up." This will put you in scarcity mode and you won't act confidently.

If you want to make an omelette, you gotta break a few eggs.

2) There is no such thing as a woman you shouldn't have. You can have Angelina Jolie if you have the right attitude. (Well, okay, you'd probably have to get into those circles, but it still would start with that attitude.)

3) If you want a roadmap of going from the approach to the bedroom, I include it here with my Dating Black Book. It's in the Transitions bonus e-book.

Don't be in a rush. Don't be needy. Act like a man who has options, and believe that you do.

So what if you mess this one up?

Do you know how many single women in the world there are out there right now?

In the US alone, over 100 million.

You better get busy, or I'll get to them first.

Game on!



Get the Dating Black Book here...

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

Students are more self-centered than ever. DUH!

NEW YORK (AP) -- Today's college students are more narcissistic and self-centered than their predecessors, according to a comprehensive new study by five psychologists who worry that the trend could be harmful to personal relationships and American society.

"We need to stop endlessly repeating 'You're special' and having children repeat that back," said the study's lead author, Professor Jean Twenge of San Diego State University. "Kids are self-centered enough already."

Twenge and her colleagues, in findings to be presented at a workshop Tuesday in San Diego on the generation gap, examined the responses of 16,475 college students nationwide who completed an evaluation called the Narcissistic Personality Inventory between 1982 and 2006.

The standardized inventory, known as the NPI, asks for responses to such statements as "If I ruled the world, it would be a better place," "I think I am a special person" and "I can live my life any way I want to."

The researchers describe their study as the largest ever of its type and say students' NPI scores have risen steadily since the current test was introduced in 1982. By 2006, they said, two-thirds of the students had above-average scores, 30 percent more than in 1982.

Narcissism can have benefits, said study co-author W. Keith Campbell of the University of Georgia, suggesting it could be useful in meeting new people "or auditioning on 'American Idol."'

"Unfortunately, narcissism can also have very negative consequences for society, including the breakdown of close relationships with others," he said.

The study asserts that narcissists "are more likely to have romantic relationships that are short-lived, at risk for infidelity, lack emotional warmth, and to exhibit game-playing, dishonesty, and over-controlling and violent behaviors."

Twenge, the author of "Generation Me: Why Today's Young Americans Are More Confident, Assertive, Entitled -- and More Miserable Than Ever Before," said narcissists tend to lack empathy, react aggressively to criticism and favor self-promotion over helping others.

The researchers traced the phenomenon back to what they called the "self-esteem movement" that emerged in the 1980s, asserting that the effort to build self-confidence had gone too far.

As an example, Twenge cited a song commonly sung to the tune of "Frere Jacques" in preschool: "I am special, I am special. Look at me."

"Current technology fuels the increase in narcissism," Twenge said. "By its very name, MySpace encourages attention-seeking, as does YouTube."
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CARLOS:

Well, this is a double-edged sword, isn't it?

We want our kids to be happy and self-confident, but now they're just selfish and attention-seeking.

BUT, on the other hand, if you don't get them some attention, they become neurotic.

I still think that kids now are being brought up to believe that fame is everything. The problem is that in evolutionary terms, we crave fame because it is the ultimate statement of our social status - and that is more immediately attractive to a woman than anything else you have. Even money...

I guess someone out there could claim the same thing of me, but hey... I'm out here performing a service, right?

:-)

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

Shut inside like a recluse... Uh... not good.

Well about 6 months ago something happened and I decided not to go out with friends and just stay inside my house and train in martial arts for 6 months straight. About 3 months into my goal I met this girl that goes to my school and we started talking and I find out she also takes martial arts and we started talking. She gave me the obvious signs of interest but I didn't move it further because there was no point because I am staying at home and dont go out.

Her friends tell me that she was interested in me but I stopped talking to her.
Well 6 months is almost over and I havent talked to her in a couple of months and she still gives me signs (smiling at me during the halls. She probably thinks I'm scared because I didn't ask her out.

Should I just move on after my 6 months because she will probably think im scared or still try to get the number after 6 months is over?

Your products helped me sooo much, she probably wouldn't even look at me if I didnt have these techniques. From your extensive yet easy to understand manuals, to the depth of knowledge your products provide. You definitely have passion. During the past few months I have purchased 2 of your products, both of which have exceeded my expectations.
______________________
CARLOS:

Well...

Hmm...

I'm trying to find a nice way of saying this.

I think your self-imposed seclusion has a price, my friend. I appreciate that you had a goal and wanted to accomplish it, and, yes, it is sometimes necessary to swing the pendulum way over ...

Sometimes.

This does seem a bit extreme. As an instructor, I appreciate your dedication, however, keep in mind that true martial arts training (if it's to be effective in real combat) would require you to work with a partner. And you'll still need to be training ongoing. (There is no substitute for interacting with a live human being.)

But again, I salute your dedication.

The reason she still smiles at you is because it would be socially uncomfortable not to acknowledge your previous conversations or connection.

Here are your options:

1) Tell her what you're doing, and then tell her you want to see her when your goal is complete.

2) If she isn't responsive to you later, chalk it up as the price you pay for sequestering yourself inside. Sometimes you can't rebound back into someone's life. Women are expecting ACTION. In evolutionary terms, they know that the man that makes decisions and takes action is a better bet for her.

Look at it this way, you've got nothing to lose by asking, right?

The very least you can do is to go talk to her and see how it goes.

But if you'd like to know how to handle this from the beginning and approach women so that you don't lose their interest, I suggest you click here and read about it...

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

How to Read Women, and How to be an Alpha Without

I have made it about half-way through the Secrets of the Alpha Man program and listen to the CD's while driving to work. I've been using the Alpha Exercises to refocus on what I want and really need to be doing. I'm seeing a huge improvement in my ability to get things done at work and home by prioritizing and goal setting.

A 2 month old project was completed in 4 focused days because I set the goal of 'done in 1 week' and then I filled in the steps to get there, and just did it. Amazing stuff that's really well put together. By getting that project out of the way, I've had time to think about more important things - namely women, which brings me to my question.

When I read your "Rules for Women", I realized I'd been using the same rules for women as my other activities like work and volunteering. Many of us are passionate about what we do or who we are with - and it becomes part of how we explain who we are. When you decide to leave a situation to protect your priciples, and you find yourself 'between passions' or in that 'dry spell' - how do you explain that to people from a point of power, rather than sounding like you ran away?

For example - if you were a martial arts teacher and discovered the owner was afraid you were going to steal his students - so he lied to you to protect his business - or disrepected you by bouncing you around so the students couldn't find you, or you got passed over for a promotion so they could hire a buddy instead... there's usually a gap between leaving and starting over.

Same is true with women. If more than one of these happens at once, it leaves a big gap that may take a while to recover. As soon as you say, "Well, I was doing this because I enjoyed it... and I left." They always ask, "Why did you leave? What are you doing now?"

Even when confidently stating "I left to pursue other options." some women reply, "I don't believe you. It's inconsistent to leave something you say you loved."

Thanks for all the hard work. I can feel the positive changes starting.

DS in Arizona
______________________
CARLOS:

Great observation here.

When they say: "I don't believe you. It's inconsistent to leave something you say you loved."

It's because women often don't have the Alpha Man self-control to be able to walk away. Their emotions rule their decisions.

Not us. We Alpha Men must rule our emotions.

By the way, you never need to explain yourself to others. Feeling obligated to "explain yourself" shows that you're more concerned about their opinion than your own judgment.

BUT, if you want to give them a reason, you tell them the truth.

"I had to move on to do what was right for me. I'm sure you understand that."

If she says she doesn't believe you, you shrug and walk away.

Act on PRINCIPLE, not for manipulated results. We don't need her opinion.

Opinions are like butt-holes. Everyone's got one.

And they usually stink.

(By the way, he wrote back about his experience with another woman:)

After I sent you the question, I remembered calling one of the (~5) women
on her body language... she was lying about it being inconsistent and couldn't look
at me when she said it. Her body language said she was the one who couldn't
handle it...

I was frustrated with her being the fifth in a row to walk away and
without thinking, I said something like, "That's not true... you're protecting yourself
by walking away now from someone you know will walk if you lie to them, aren't
you?" She kind of slumped her shoulders and said, "Yes." She then looked at
me and asked, "You really are alpha, aren't you?" I just shrugged and she
said, "Too alpha for me." and we each went different ways.


CARLOS: What you said was RIGHT ON. You called her on her bullshit in the right way. And she basically admitted to you that she was low self-esteem and not up to the task of being a woman in your life.

I would be saying a quiet thanks to the cosmos that I eliminated her now rather than months down the road when her flagging sense of self-confidence pulled both of us down a black hole of despair.

The single most important choice you will ever make is what woman will be your companion.

Don't mess it up!

You can find out more about how to meet women here...

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

Where is the best legit Internet dating site in your opinion?

I got this question in my inbox this morning:

Where is the best legit Internet dating site in your opinion?

Ahhh. It was nice to have something short and sweet to answer for once.

My knee-jerk answer is that the best legit Internet dating site is wherever you are able to do the following:

1) Construct a good profile

2) Follow through and really WORK it

3) Maintain a healthy attitude


And number 3 is probably the most important.

You see, your attitude is the one thing that will make or break any endeavor, and doubly so for online dating. The reality is that the Pareto principle (80/20 rule) is just as true here as anywhere else. 80 percent of the women you come in contact with (probably more, but don't lose hope yet) online dating will NOT be the ones you want or desire. Perhaps 5% will be a quality candidate.

This is for a bunch of reasons:

- Pictures that aren't accurate (Chemistry is off)
- Profiles that aren't accurate (Compatibility is off)
- The "X" factor (unpredictable things that prevent you from hitting it off)

And even more reasons like:
- Couldn't get a date setup due to our weird schedules
- Lots of phone tag, and by the time we did talk, she'd met someone else
- Yadda
- Yadda
- Yadda

So while you're working through the numbers to find that small percentage that suit you, keep in mind that you will get frustrated and want to blame the online system. It's easy to quit, but it's character that will make you persist.

I have had a lot of success online dating. Primarily because I never use ONLY online dating to meet women.

You must leverage multiple avenues to find someone, because you cannot predict where she will show up in your life.

Not to mention all the fringe benefits of the experience you get going out on all those "first meetings."

To sum it up, if you keep a healthy attitude about it, you can work almost ANY online dating system.

They all have pros and cons, and you simply have to find one that accommodates the way you want to approach it.

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men