How to Use and Manage Your Anger...

Hey Carlos, I have some question about anger. How much of anger do you use to get things going? Like on daily basis, only when you need "fuel", all the time?

Cause when I was reading the dating black book I was following the principles and I had easy time to talk to people, I felt like I can flirt and talk with any woman, I was making up jokes, but when I finished it I suddenly stoped feeling "fired", I started to be sad for no particular reason, and for 2-3 weeks I had no idea what was going on.

Yesterday I almost send you a letter asking you what to do when you don't have the energy to talk to men and women, when your voice breaks for no reason when talking to people, but today I thought to get pissed a little bit and I realised that for the past 3 weeks I was forgetting to use my anger. What a waste of time was that!

So please give me some guidance about anger, how much to use, how to use and when. Thank you Carlos!
______________________
CARLOS ANSWERS:

Anger is one of those often overlooked areas, because so few advisers out there know how to really deal with emotions. REAL human emotions. They may have the clever patter and witty banter, but when it comes to true emotional intelligence, you gotta have SKILLZ, my brothers.

Anger is tricky, because it's like fire. Once it's started, it can be very hard to keep in check. I call it the "Beast."

Most guys just don't know how to manage their anger. They either sublimate it, keeping it below the surface, and then letting it out because they never really managed it, or they lose control right off the bat.

When you feel frustration starting to build (almost always the start of anger in men), that's when you start to funnel that experience in your mind to bring your energy back up to where it needs to be.

Don't let the "Beast" run out of control; just point this un-channeled energy towards something constructive.

Pissed because you didn't approach that last woman?

Great! Go approach THIS woman.

Pissed because you didn't get her number?

Great! Go approach another woman and use what you learned about what you did wrong to correct this one.

Imagine what you'll feel like if you don't do what you know you must, and your anger can serve you. If you focus only on the anger, you'll never really put it to use.

Focus on the next constructive ACTION you can take - not the emotion itself.

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

TELESEMINAR - TONIGHT!

I apologize for the short notice, but due to a mix-up in communication
I was unable to get this out earlier.

We're holding another KILLER tele-seminar tonight. Scot McKay and I
are going to be discussing some cut-to-the-bone stuff on how
to communicate better, and not just small talk, either.

It's about communicating your masculinity and sexuality.

Be on this call tonight! Here are the details:


EVENT: Communicating with Women - Sexuality

DATE & TIME: Wednesday, August 29th at 6:00pm Pacific

FORMAT: Simulcast! (Attend via Phone or Webcast -- it's your choice)

TO ATTEND THIS EVENT, CLICK THIS LINK NOW...
http://instantTeleseminar.com/?eventid=559029


Keep in mind that we only have 250 slots for this call. The last
tele-seminar I did had over 500 guys trying to get in.

Don't be locked out... Get on early.

And don't forget to submit your questions on the seminar page.

Talk to you tonight!

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

Back Home ...

Well, as you're probably aware, I got back from my testing over the weekend. It was a brutal affair, but I'm glad to say I passed. (Many others from my group were not so fortunate.)

Here's a picture of me with two of the monks I trained with over the weekend...

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

A success story from an Alpha Man reborn...

Hey CX!

I'm glad I finally got myself to do this. I've been meaning to email you for a while now but have lacked the time and well . . . yeah I've been lazy too. First of all - THANKS! so far I've bought the dating black book and alpha man programs and I've been listening to your podcasts religiously. Last week I bought the Approach Women Now set and I'm eagerly awiting it in the mail.

My story: I'm of Middle eastern decent, and the sterotype of Middle easterners is the MSP who beats women, this made me very insecure and I actually down played my manliness to 'break the cliche' so to speak.

The funny thing Carlos, I think I've always been Alpha with everything in my life with the exception of women! At 25 I started my own business and became succesful to the point to managing several emplyees - pretty alpha huh? I now make well into the six figures - And I'm only 27 and this is just the begining!

The funny thing howver, when it came to women I was a total AFC! I did everything you tell your listners NOT to do. . . Its only been roughly 2 months since I've made my dramatic attitude adjustments (only two 21 day cycles and I've already become succesful with women), my only weak point is with my approach - which is why I ordered the Approach Women Now set.

Thanks to your advice I can indulge in great conversation with women and apply the right amount of tease to please and show a great deal of confidence - Which makes me very, very attractive to women...

Recently, I had been feeling as though something was missing in my life - I have everything most men could dream of : Totally Independant, master of my own domain, money, fast cars and even faster women! It hit me a few weeks ago that I needed to gI've back a little to this world so I became a fundraiser for war child international (warchild.org) and decided to host an event at a local night club to raise awareness and money for the cause....

This not only increased my confidence it also gave me a great feeling of fulfilment - that rare "I can make a difference" feeling so many of us men lack...

Needless to say it went awesome, we raised a great deal of money and I met several quality women! - It also helped my approach big time! I walked around a room full of sexy women and got the chance to bust their chops a little and exchange witty banter while asking for donations, It gave me the validation I needed to talk to women with a complete 'I have nothing to loose' attitude! I was asking for donations and if someone didnt donate - oh well, thats their karmic loss I felt.

I realized that night that this is the attitude I need to have when appraoching women. . . I think you should suggest your listeners to join charitable organizations to not only help the 'cause' whatever that may be, but also break their fear of approaching! It worked wonders for me and when your done you realize the validation you need to talk to women is all in your head - Now, the only validation I need to talk to a hot girl is that she needs the pleasure of enjoying my company. . .

Carlos, thanks again man - Please allow me to take you to your favorite resturant in SF if I ever vist the bay area...


- Syed (pronounced Say - eed...)
_____________________
CARLOS XUMA ANSWERS:

You might think I include these stories to toot my own horn.

Yeah, you're right...

But I also do it for a more important reason: To show you that change - significant change - is not that difficult to do.

IF you set your mind to it...!

And the suggestion about working for a charity is an AWESOME one. We all need to get more involved in the world around us and put aside our relentless self-absorption.

Guys out there would benefit 1000% if they just put aside their desperation for a woman and tuned into their contribution to the world around them. You might find that women really aren't as important as you think. (And they're really not... God bless 'em, I love 'em, but they're not my purpose on this planet.)

Help someone else out and you'll see that your own issues will take a back seat. Confidence comes - in a large part - from knowing you're a part of something positive and powerful. Working with a charity can really bring that home.

I used to volunteer in a children's cancer ward. Nothing wakens you up more than seeing a little girl, no older than 4 years, bald, with a scar halfway around her head from where they operated on a brain tumor. And she was happy and having fun just playing with toys. That little joy has no equal.

And I'll take you up on that dinner offer.

I'm hungry for some Persian food...

Go learn how to Approach Women NOW

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

Quick update...

I'm bruised, battered, beaten, but not bloody.

Finished my testing and am now preparing to go to my promotion ceremony. Woo-hoo!

More pics to come.

And let this be a message to all you Alpha Men out there... Go after your dreams, and relentlessly pursue them until you achieve them.

Man is put here to achieve his dreams and his goals.

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

Rock You Like a Shaolin Monk

Well, I'm here in Long Beach, CA, training with the Shaolin Monks of China. I'm also testing today for another black belt, so I hope you'll forgive the silence. I'm pretty busy... :)

I'll be updating everyone with pictures asap. We're all having a blast here, enjoying our martial arts pain.

But seriously, I'll be sure to update you more later...

For now, why don't you just listen to this week's Podcast?

http://capo2001.podlot.net/podcast/podcast-fb.htm

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

Avoiding Porn and Rosie Palm

I love your book Carlos... we see eye to eye and you've helped me more than you know.

I need to know though. Do you advocate to completely stoping looking at porn and masturbating all together? I did it for about 5 years (Complete cold turkey, looked at none, nor did it) and know that I had tremendous energy and self-respect. So please help me out on this one.

Thanks,
Andrew
______________________
CARLOS ANSWERS:

I'll have to say, 5 years is a hell of a dedication, my friend. You don't have to be THAT devoted, but it sure does prove you have self-control, doesn't it?

As a matter of fact, I do recommend that most guys cut back on their use of porn and their urge to self-satisfy.

Here's why:

1) Porn is a simulated girlfriend. It does nothing to improve your skills with women, and only serves to create a "fantasy world" of women in your head that does not really match reality.

This is never a good thing.

It also serves to further alienate you from women because you are only learning how to see their bodies, and not their minds.

(And I DO NOT mean that in the cliche way you hear women saying, "I want him to see my mind..." Let's be very clear here: Women WANT you to see them sexually. The women that say otherwise are lying or gay. What they're trying to tell you is that they will self-judge themselves if you use her solely for sex, and that is a way of shifting the responsibility from her to you.)

When I say see their minds, I mean INTERACT with a woman as a woman. She has a whole fascinating and complex head full of thoughts going on in there, and it's worth exploring.

2) Too much masturbation drains your life force and vitality.

I've had a few friends say this isn't true, but I don't buy it. Want to test this first hand? (So to speak...)

Go masturbate before you do a weightlifting workout.

What do you think?

Will you do better or worse?

I don't need to tell you that any man that has tried to exercise vigorously AFTER shucking his corn finds it incredibly difficult. This is why I do not have sex on the morning of a workout. My girl understands this is the way it is. I'll give her what she needs, but I'm off limits until after I've completed my workout.

AND keep in mind that sexual frustration motivates us to get off our ass and DO something to get laid. That's Mother Nature's way of saying, "You a lazy mo-fo, and you ain't never gonna get any if you sit home all weekend and spank it!"

Yes, I actually talked to Mother Nature on the phone, and she said those exact words.

So exercise some self-control and self-discipline. Throw away the spank rags and stop spanking 'dat monkey!

Go get the REAL women instead. Live a real life of growth and fulfillment instead of the fast-and-easy path...

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

Thought for the day...

"Never go anyplace where you're only tolerated..."

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

A little more fun...

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he
glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate
would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or
pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual
Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen
sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked,

"What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learn ed from
my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about
sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American
men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native
American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when
actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina
is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.
"I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this
with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

Carlos Xuma in San Mateo tonight...!

That's right, sports fans... I'll be showing the ladies how to do pickup tonight!

______________________
BATTLE OF THE SEXES!
Friday, August 17, 7:30pm-Midnight

For the first time ever we are segregating the sexes for exciting seminars on meeting the opposite sex.

Carlos Xuma, author of Get Your Man!, the definitive guide to finding the right mate, will speak at the Women Only Seminar.

Lance Mason, of Pickup101, will speak at the Men Only Seminar.
After the seminars we combine for a giant DANCE PARTY!

During the party, we will have the world's first-ever Pickup Contest, with one man and one woman winning the title of "Mr or Ms Bay Area Pickup Champion" and prizes valued at almost $2,000!

You can compete, if you wish, or just be entertained by this exciting spectacle!
Cost: $20 at the door. Food available at additional cost.

LOCATION: Marriott Hotel, Inspire Ballroom (2nd Floor), 1770 S Amphlett Blvd, San Mateo CA 94402
From Hwy 101 or Hwy 280 take Hwy 92, Delaware/Concar exit. Follow Concar to hotel.

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

MSN and the "Who Pays On The First Date?" Question

I found an interesting item in MSN today. It was at the very end of an article discussing how women want the man to pay on the first date.

Read on:
______________________

"Giving stronger female role models to children will help us break out of this pattern," says Barrow. "Men will eventually disengage from the money equals power equals self-worth thing and as they do that, females will learn to define their own self-worth differently."

Fat chance, says writer Spangler.

"I don't care what the feminists say; a man is a man," she says. "He's got a sex drive and he doesn't value the girl that pays. There are some things that are true, whether you want them to be or not."

______________________
CARLOS COMMENTS:

This "Spangler" has it dead on.

There ARE some things that are true, whether you want them to be or not. (I call this the Principle of Truth in my e-book.)

"Barrow" is yet another of the intellectual drones who thinks that wishful thinking will create a sudden change in the direction of our socialization. Good luck.

You don't just change how thousands of years of evolution have programmed us overnight. You don't just change how an entire GENDER reads attraction from the other.

(And it sure as hell won't change in YOUR lifetime, dear reader.)

The reality is that men are expected to pay. It's a sign of Alpha Man leadership and responsibility.

But the other part of this reality is that you don't have to take women out to "dinner and a movie" and blow $100 on her right off the bat. You can do a little qualification of your own to determine if she's worth the investment.

How do you do this?

You'll find out in The Dating Black Book. Download it HERE.

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

Tele-seminar tonight! - Don't miss it!

I'll be holding a tele-seminar with Grant Adams on Thursday night (TONIGHT) - at 6 PM Pacific Time.

We'll be discussing conversation and communication, and you want to make sure to get on this teleseminar. Last I heard from Grant, there were 321 people registered for the call.

Dial in early!

Here's the call info:

Just dial 1-218-486-1300
Bridge Line: 945337

There are a limited number of lines to this conference, so be sure to dial in as close as you can to the appointed time!

Talk to you then...

- Carlos Xuma

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

Attention Hotmail Users...

Due to changes in Hotmail Spam "protection," it is unlikely you are receiving your emails from us (or anyone, for that matter.)

Be sure to follow our whitelisting directions HERE.

And get yourself a Gmail account FAST.


Here's an explanation of the changes from Robert Puddy, which you can read if you feel like climbing into the techno-details:
______________________
Strike 2 for hotmail, besides dumping millions
of emails into a black hole without telling
anyone they have now disabled links in even
plain-text emails. On top of that If you're
sending mail from a "new" IP address, that
mail is automatically treated as spam and
dumped in the bulk folder.

Yes, even one-to-one email from an IP with
no previous record of problems.

Yesterday I sent out an email to all my UK
subscribers informing them of an almost free
workshop I am doing in Bristol this weekend
(just £10 for 4 hours of valuable face to face instruction)
and every hotmail and MSN email bounced back
with a content rejected error message because
I used a new URL

If you must use a free web-based email service,
I suggest Yahoo or Gmail.
(Gmail no longer requires invitations, by the way.)
They're both a lot friendlier to people who actually
want to get email at their email addresses.

Please consider this a public service announcement
and check all your subscriptions and memberships
to make sure you are actually getting the email you
asked for.

Gmail is by far the best free email provider out
there. It also has the most accurate filters I have
ever seen. If you use Gmail you will never have
to use those pesky alert services either like
sp@m arrest.

______________________
I agree with Robert. These so-called "free" email accounts are not very good for getting the email you want to read, like my newsletters.

If you have to use one, use a Gmail account.

You'll thank me later...

- Carlos

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

Tele-seminar on Thursday...! Don't miss it!

I'll be holding a tele-seminar with Grant Adams on Thursday this week (August 16th) at 6 PM Pacific Time.

We'll be discussing conversation and communication, and you want to make sure to get on this teleseminar...


Here's the call info: 
 
Just dial 1-218-486-1300
Bridge Line: 945337

There are a limited number of lines to this conference, so be sure to dial in as close as you can to the appointed time!

Talk to you then...

- Carlos Xuma

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

MSN and the "Who Pays On The First Date?" Question

I found an interesting item in MSN today. It was at the very end of an article discussing how women want the man to pay on the first date.

Read on:
______________________

"Giving stronger female role models to children will help us break out of this pattern," says Barrow. "Men will eventually disengage from the money equals power equals self-worth thing and as they do that, females will learn to define their own self-worth differently."

Fat chance, says writer Spangler.

"I don't care what the feminists say; a man is a man," she says. "He's got a sex drive and he doesn't value the girl that pays. There are some things that are true, whether you want them to be or not."

______________________
CARLOS COMMENTS:

This "Spangler" has it dead on.

There ARE some things that are true, whether you want them to be or not. (I call this the Principle of Truth in my e-book.)

"Barrow" is yet another of the intellectual drones who thinks that wishful thinking will create a sudden change in the direction of our socialization. Good luck.

You don't just change how thousands of years of evolution have programmed us overnight. You don't just change how an entire GENDER reads attraction from the other.

(And it sure as hell won't change in YOUR lifetime, dear reader.)

The reality is that men are expected to pay. It's a sign of Alpha Man leadership and responsibility.

But the other part of this reality is that you don't have to take women out to "dinner and a movie" and blow $100 on her right off the bat. You can do a little qualification of your own to determine if she's worth the investment.

How do you do this?

You'll find out in The Dating Black Book. Download it HERE.

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

Where are all the women?

Hey Carlos it's Nick. I should've ask you this question earlier this summer, but here it is:

What should I do to meet more girls? I know that you said in your book to get 5 numbers a day from women but I'm lucky if I meet one woman all day, not including women from work or friends.

I work around 35 hours a week and when I have time to go out I like to go to the park, to the club with my buddies every saturday night, coffe shop, walk in my neghborhood every day... but: in the park all I see is old people, bikers and fishermen; I can't meet with my friends very often to have a coffie because of different schedules; my neghborhood is always empty like most american neighborhoods...

I wish I could go to bars every day but all of my friends are under 21 (get new friends :)) It looks like my best place to meet girls is the club , but that's only once a week of 1.5 hours clubbing (I work till midnight). When I go to college it seems like there shouldn't be any problems for meeting women because they are everywhere.

I live in detroit metro area and I wish I lived in some nice urban are like back home in Macedonia where in radius of 2 miles you have everything you'll ever need in life: bars, restaurants, clubs, schools, beach, lake, cafes, stores, and people every way you turn.

I have one more question: Is it OK to "chase" girls alone in places like downtown? Or they are going to think that I'm a freak because I walk alone. My friends think I'm a freak when I tell them "I was chilling in the park". They all think that it's not OK to walk alone.
______________________
CARLOS XUMA'S (HARSH) DATING ADVICE:

Time for a little dose of reality here...

You're telling me that you live in Detroit - Rock City - and you can't find any women anywhere to meet?

I have to tell you my friend that this is complete and utter B.S.

B.S. stands for bullshit.

Sorry, I'm not here to pat you on the head and make you feel better, because this is stinkin' thinkin'. And I know that, deep inside, you know this to be true.

I just want to help you become aware of what is really going on.

Here's what's actually happening: You've been immersed in a scarcity mindset for so long that you are now constantly looking for reasons to EXCLUDE women from your life.

I can't meet them here because ...

I can't find them there because ...

I'm not willing to go looking because ...


Let's look at the numbers for a second. Please pardon me, I got Google happy this morning.

FACT: Detroit Population: 951,270

FACT: In the Detroit area, here's the population breakdown:

Male 448319 47.13%

Female 502951 52.87%

FACT: Here's the age breakdown:

20 to 24 years 65654 6.9%
25 to 34 years 144323 15.17%
35 to 44 years 136695 14.37%

So doing a little math:
52% of 346,018 people is 179,929 women in the 20-44 bracket.

If half of them are married, that leaves: 89,964.*

(*Don't worry, the half that are married will be divorced in a few years, so you'll get another 44,982 back in the pool.)

I got this off the Detroit 2000 census. I'm sure it also doesn't even begin to take into account the suburbs. These numbers would probably only be the city proper. Sure, you might not be willing to date beyond 30 years old, but don't discount the absolute scorching time you could have with a cougar... :)

The fact is that we could play with the numbers all day long, and it doesn't really matter what city we're talking about. It's all a game of perception.

FACT: It's easier to believe that you've got some limitation that's holding you back than just FINDING A WAY AROUND THAT LIMITATION.

What you're doing is looking for reasons to say "I can't find any women."

I'm sorry, but I cannot believe that there are no women around you that you can approach. Even if you work until midnight.

Here are a couple ideas you can use if you need places to meet women:

- Church singles events (you don't have to attend that church to go, usually)
- Online (do I really need to explain this one?)
- Speed dating (lotsa fun, easy to find...)
- Singles events
- Personals
- Work
- Bars
- Stores
- Parties
- Malls
- Uh, hello... College! Talk about the highest population of ready-to-get-jiggy-with-it gals.

The key to your mental state, however, is given when you asked if you would be thought of as a "freak" for being out alone.

Answer: Only if you think you're a freak for being out on your own.

You see, the game of validating your identity from the outside in (as if what other people think about you really matters) is a DANGEROUS one. You'll never win.

NEVER WIN.

Go ahead and keep wishing for things to be like they were back home. It won't do you a bit of good.

There's an old story about two shoe salesmen who go to a remote country to sell their shoes.

After a month, they email the main office and report on their progress.
The one doing the least selling of them reports: "Market here sucks! No one wears shoes!"
The one doing the most business reports: "Market here is fantastic! No one wears shoes!"

Meeting women never comes down to your current mental image of your limitations. It always comes down to what you're willing to do to overcome them.

Here's where to get that winning attitude of a confident alpha male...

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

New Teleseminar!

Hey this is carlos xuma... we're doing it again, guys...

The last teleseminar was such a huge success that we're going to do it again.
On Wed. Aug 29th, at 6:00 PM (Pacific Time) we'll be holding another teleseminar on communication with women. This time we're covering communication of sexuality.

Unfortunately, not everyone could make it on the call. We only have 200 lines, and I couldn't get them to open up to more, so you're going to have to be SURE to get on this EARLY. Make sure you also sign up right away. You want to be on this call.

Click the link below to get on the seminar list, and we'll be sure to let you know of any changes. Remember, you must be on this mailing list to get further notifications.

Make sure you submit your questions below, and please keep them related to the topic of the call - Communicating sexuality with Women.

Wed. Aug 29th 6:00 PM (Pacific Time)

Be on this call!

- Carlos Xuma

Teleseminar Signup

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

Article on "Dating Out"

'Could Mr. Right be white?' More black women consider 'dating out'
______________________

RICHMOND, Virginia (AP) --

For years, Toinetta Jones played the dating game by her mom's strict rule.

Whitney and Roslyn Holcomb watch as their 3-year-old son, Luke, plays.

"Mom always told me, 'Don't you ever bring a white man home,"' recalled Jones, echoing an edict issued by many Southern, black mothers.

But at 37, the Alexandria divorcee has shifted to dating "anyone who asks me out," regardless of race.

"I don't sit around dreaming about the perfect black man I'm going to marry," Jones said.

Black women around the country also are reconsidering deep-seated reservations toward interracial relationships, reservations rooted in America's history of slavery and segregation.

They're taking cues from their favorite stars -- from actress Shar Jackson to tennis pro Venus Williams -- as well as support blogs, how-to books and interracially themed novels telling them it's OK to "date out."

It comes as statistics suggest American black women are among the least likely to marry.

"I'm not saying that white men are the answer to all our problems," Jones said. "I'm just saying that they offer a different solution."

She reflects many black women frustrated as the field of marriageable black men narrows: They're nearly seven times more likely to be incarcerated than white men and more than twice as likely to be unemployed.

Census data showed 117,000 black wife-white husband couples in 2006, up from 95,000 in 2000.

There were just 26,000 such couples in 1960, before a Supreme Court ruling banished laws against mixed marriages.

Black female-white male romance has become a hot topic in black-geared magazines and on Web sites, even hitting the big screen in movies like last year's "Something New."

That film centers on an affluent black woman who falls for her white landscaper, a situation not unlikely as black women scale the corporate ladder, said Evia Moore, whose interracial marriage blog draws 1,000 visitors a day.

It features articles like "Could Mr. Right Be White?" and pictures of couples like white chef Wolfgang Puck and his new Ethiopian wife.

"Black women are refusing to comply with that message about just find yourself a good blue-collar man with a job, or just find a black man," Moore said.

She pointed to low rates of black men in college, a place where women of all races often meet their spouses.

Black women on campus largely are surrounded by non-black men: In 2004, 26.5 percent of black males ages 18 to 24 were enrolled in college versus 36.5 percent of black women that age, according to the American Council on Education's most recent statistics.

Even after college, Roslyn Holcomb struggled to meet professional black men.

"I wanted to get married (and) have children," she said. "If I was only meeting one guy a year, or every few years, that wasn't going to happen."

The Alabama author eventually married white.

"I think a lot of black women are realizing or feeling that the pickings are slim," she said.

They're made even slimmer, grumble many black women, by high rates of successful black men choosing blondes. For some, they argue, white wives are the ultimate status symbol.

"They don't want a dark chocolate sister laying around their swimming pool," Moore said.

Nearly three quarters of the 403,000 black-white couples in 2006 involved black husbands.

Meanwhile, psychological barriers have discouraged black women from crossing racial lines.

"Black women are socialized to stick by their men," explained Kellina Craig-Henderson, a Howard University psychology professor who studied 15 black women dating interracially.

She said modern black women agonize over breaking male-female bonds forged in slavery and strengthened through the Jim Crow era.

"It may be even more of an issue for educated black women who have a sense of the historical realities of this country, where black women often were abused at the hands of white men," Craig-Henderson said.

Jones remembered being troubled when a white man politely approached her around 1990. Her stance softened years later, after a sobering party experience.

"All the black men literally pushed (us) out the way to talk to the blondes," said Jones, who soon declared, "I'm going to date whoever."

Black men and women have openly feuded before.

At places like Atlanta's Spelman College, black women have rallied against black male rappers characterizing them as promiscuous.

But black men are voicing their own frustrations with women they feel regard them with suspicion. "They treat us all the same," said W. Randy Short, a Washington writer who dates across races. "The rapist on the TV is the same as me."

It's a frustration director Tim Alexander tackles in "Diary of a Tired Black Man," a frank film covering everything from black women's demeanors to their weight. Frustrated by black women, the main character dates a white one.

"To a certain degree, black people are sick of each other," Alexander said. "It would be better for black men and black women to open their options."

But Ayo Handy-Kendi, creator of Black Love Day, argues blacks are simply reacting to messages linking success with whiteness. She referred to a string of successful athletes with white partners, including golfer Tiger Woods.

"They normally rejected their culture and they went to the acceptable standard of success -- a white woman," said Handy-Kendy, who thought it ironic high-achieving black women were mimicking the behavior.

Back in Virginia, Jones feels life is too short to ponder race when it comes to love.

As for mom, Jones figures, "she really admires the fact that I did something she may have really wanted to do, and never did."

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Trust the Force, Luke....

Carlos,

So I have been an intern at this company for the last 2 and a half months and there is this other female intern who is kind of intriguing.

I think she has been with other guys since I’ve been here, she has had parties over at her house and has mysteriously disappeared upstairs with a guy during the party, but now I think she wants to get with me. The thing is I don’t exactly want to get with her, but I think I could suffer through it. I feel like I should wait for someone whom with I have more feelings for, instead.

Suggestions?

-G
______________________
CARLOS ANSWERS:

If you trust your feelings, and you've taken some time to trust your intuition, you should always follow that.

Just beware of fear masquerading as intuition. That's one of the deadly self-deceptions.

I think you might just want her to not be left out.

If you're going to "Suffer through it" then maybe you should consider waiting for someone that you can have a little more connection with.

It's a big myth that guys want to sleep with every woman is perpetuated slightly out of a false understanding of what's going on under the surface. Yes, when we're young, we all want to experience variety in our sexual partners. But when we find someone we CONNECT with, and not just physically, there's a need to maintain that relationship. This is a good thing.

I, personally, have gone through both situations. I've been with a lot of women, and I've also found a few that were worth keeping. However, it took me going through a LOT of women to find those few good ones. So the two skills actually helped. I much prefer finding a QUALITY woman that I can forge a deeper connection to. Remember what I say: "You will always grow more in the context of a long-term relationship than anywhere else."

A relationship is even more important to us when there's a sense of shared respect - HIGH level of respect - that tells us the other person has a strong sense of internal value. Suddenly we find ourselves wanting to KEEP this relationship more than others. We forget about our need for variety all of a sudden.

Now, I'm getting a little deep here, and I intend to explore this completely for an upcoming program on relationships that I'll be releasing in late '07 or early '08. Just realize that there is a natural need to stay monogamous if our psychology overtakes our innate desire for physical satisfaction.

Men need connection more than you realize. In fact, it's actually men who fall in love faster and harder than women.

For now, you should just follow your gut (intelligently, of course) and realize that all you're looking for here is a little bump in the grass. If you don't really want to get with her, don't. It's really pretty simple.

When YOU start making the decision about who you CHOOSE to sleep with, your self-esteem and self-confidence jump by a mile.

I know this flies in the face of the "pickup artist" advice that you find out there. I'm not here to judge, just to advise. And I've got the experience to back it up...

If you want to know more about this new Alpha Man mindset, I suggest you take a look at this: Secrets of the Alpha Man

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

Just be yourself ... your BEST self.

The REAL Truth Behind the "Just Be Yourself" Hype

Have you ever heard the advice "Just be yourself" when it comes to dating and attracting women?

You hear it in many different ways out there, some good, some well-meaning but horribly damaging to your game.

Part of what I teach to men is HOW to be you without being the dorky, unattractive you. That might sound like "be yourself," but it's not the same.

The fact is that there are two different "you"s in there.

You #1: Is the awkward, anxious, insecure, poorly presented guy.

You #2: Is the cool, relaxed, confident, polished, Alpha Man.

Now, you can reconcile these, and I'm going to tell you more about this in a minute, but the problem comes when others are telling you to adopt a bunch of personality traits or behaviors that are too incongruent with your SELF-IMAGE.

You see, the big revelation you need to know is that you will only succeed to the level of your current SELF-IMAGE. How you see yourself determines what you're able to actually accomplish.

As a friend of mine once said, "In a struggle between grit-your-teeth perseverance and your self-image, your self-image will win EVERY time."

Sure, you can bulldog it for a while, but it becomes exhausting and taxing on your nervous system. The fact is that if it's not FUN in some way for you, odds are that you will NOT continue to do it. The pain barrier MUST be broken through QUICKLY.

In the short term, you may have to 'just do it,' but long-term change requires that you alter your image of yourself to make lasting changes.

So let's get back to the "Just Be Yourself" fallacy. Here's the Truth, as I see it:

- You must adopt new habits and new behaviors to your lifestyle to turn the Unattractive You #1 into the Cool You #2.

This is simply a process of becoming more socially aware. It starts with projecting the parts of your personality that are attractive but hidden, as well as snuffing out those parts of your personality that are UNattractive and obvious.

- The new habits and behaviors you adopt cannot be in complete contradiction to your current self-image (or too big a gap) or your mind will reject them, like an organ transplant gone bad.

- On the other hand, if you try to be TOO much like yourself and you don't get the success you are told you ought to get by being "yourself," your mind starts to reject YOU as being inadequate. And your self-esteem plummets - FAST.

So where the hell is the middle ground?

It's all in your head.

Chances are, you've done both of these strategies with mixtures of success and failure. You've probably been "yourself," and you've probably also used a lot of someone else's "techniques" to get you into the frame of the "pickup artist."

The key here is simply making sure that you use the techniques and advice given as a MODEL - an example of behavior that can work effectively - AND - use yourself as the frame on which to build your New You. (Call it "You, Version 2.0")

Remember this is a MODEL, not an IMPERSONATION. Impersonations are funny and fake. Modeling is intelligent application of a real-world example.

Big difference.

So in order to be yourself and still improve, what has to happen eventually is this:

- You use some of the pickup techniques out there in a way that is congruent to your own personality - while being careful to not dismiss something just because you've never tried it before.

- As you use them, you find ways of integrating the beliefs of this model INTO YOURSELF. It's no longer "fake" or "weird" because you UNDERSTAND application and have integrated the model into your personality. Now it's becoming REAL.


The reality is that for you to change and improve your skills with women, you must EXPAND your current self.

This is commonly known as "growing."

There is only growing or dying. There is no such thing as sitting still.

If it was simple and easy and comfortable, everyone would be doing it. But they're not. So there's your advantage.

Are you willing to expand your self-perception? Are you ready to grow beyond your current self-limiting beliefs?

Are you ready to be all that you can be?

Then it's time to get busy.

Learn how to be your BEST self.

- Carlos Xuma

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men