DATING ADVICE FOR MEN:

Hey Carlos,

I myself have alot of success with women and date alot. Some of my relationships last as long as 6 months and some only 6 days. Since breaking up with my 4/yr "High School Sweatheart" after graduation in 2001. I've been involved in different types of relationships since then (long distance,dating mutiple women,short term,long term,serious,not-serious,ect.)

I didn't want to be too serious with anyone... It's just that my last serious relationship about 3 months ago ended badly because we both wanted more and I wasn't able commit myself. I'm not sure why but I couldn't get too close... And it's not that I don't want to be hurt because I am pretty good with geting over women... It's just that it's an old habit that I need help breaking. What do you think?
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CARLOS:

Remember some of the most important things I teach:

1) We rarely tell the truth to ourselves. We have to keep our sense of self-esteem alive, so we tell ourselves whatever story makes us feel better.

2) What you THINK is going on is rarely the case because you are almost always hiding some bit of information - or just not seeing it.

It's not a "habit," my friend.

By calling it a habit, you are attempting to remove any emotional responsibility for what you're doing instead of owning up to the Reality. The Truth, as I call it.

Not that you're a bad person. Not at all. All guys do this to some degree to help maintain that illusion that we're all "really super" people.

I have to point out a contradiction in your letter:

"My last serious relationship about 3 months ago ended badly because we both wanted more and I wasn't able commit myself. I'm not sure why but I couldn't get too close.."

RESULTS are all that matters. If you weren't able to get closer to her, YOU DIDN'T WANT MORE. You wanted OUT.

I think the most likely answer is this:

You're young.

You're a guy.

You want to experience more women.

Marrying or jumping into a long term relationship before you're ready for it is the kiss of death.

I don't think people are ready to "settle down" until MUCH later in life. I used to think LATE twenties, but now I'm more convinced that early 30s is even better.

And don't think this is some gender thing, either. Women often deny their own desires to be with more men (the whole slut complex, or "madonna/whore complex").

Or they fail to postpone their natural urge to have kids long enough to find an appropriate mate. Too much of a hurry.

In short, you don't have a "habit."

You have a natural need to experience the world of women.

And don't listen to anyone that tells you that you MUST conform to their idea of proper mating habits.

Grandma: "When are you getting married?"

Mom: "You should settle down! Find a nice girl!"

Dad: Silent, but envious.

When you find someone that's good for you, and you're ready, you'll REALLY want to get closer.

But don't fool yourself and get all neurotic about it now. You're too young.

Use my stuff to have fun...

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