Great technical question..

Carlos:

It's been many months now that your stuff is working for me. In fact, I'm at the point right now where I've had enough of most New York women and am starting to focus on quality instead. This puts me in a great position of non-neediness, because I know that I won't find one every night I go out...nor do I want to, since I've got plenty of other things to take care of on my to-do list.

Here's my problem, though. Since I'm getting involved less and less often with women who bore me after one or two encounters, what I'm finding is that I use sexual chemistry as my litmus test for whether to take things further with a woman. A lot of times this is where I hit the wall, and don't really want to continue with her. But I also don't want to cut her out completely. I want to remain friends--without benefits. (Since I believe "friends with benefits" is always a disaster waiting to happen.)

So my question is, if I like a girl but find that we're not clicking sexually, and I want to ease the dynamic between to one where we still see each other but have no expectation of being intimate...how do I do this without making her feel rejected or manipulated?

Thanks Carlos.

PB
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CARLOS ANSWERS:

Ah... this is an excellent question, because it tells me that you've traveled far along the path and are now ready to understand the deeper workings of male-female relationships.

First of all, recognize that we often take on too much responsibility. Realize that you may not be able to help what she feels about herself (including rejection, the "R" word.)

If there's one thing that we all feel, with very little help from our friends (or enemies) it's rejection.

But I hear you in that you want to reduce the possibility of this, and that's a good thing.

Here are my thoughts:

1) When you say "not clicking" sexually, I'm assuming that there is something a bit more concrete to this than a vague and general "feeling." I'm also assuming that the compatibility issue is something that cannot be easily overcome.

2) De-escalation is ALWAYS messy. It involves changing someone else's opinion of something when they ALREADY had different expectations.

This is CHANGE. And as humans we fear change.

Most women are going to have a tough time with this one. But I've got a way for you to handle it...

3) If you want something you can say, I suggest the ol' "blame it on me" gambit. This is where you (accurately) put the blame of not going forward on your own shoulders.

"Tina, I've been thinking a lot about my goals right now, and I just don't think I'd be a great match for you. I'm really looking for a flexible and non-committed relationship, and that wouldn't be fair for you. But I really think you're cool, and we should try to keep this friendship going. Unless you're one of those women who thinks that men and women can't be just friends." Smile and elbow her a little.

4) You can also just NEVER escalate with her anymore. Keep asking her out to do things, and simply let things DEFAULT into friends mode.

5) No matter what you choose to do, the reality is that a woman will not typically want to keep a lot of opposite gender friendships going. There is ALWAYS (in my opinion) a sexual charge to ANY opposite sex relationship. That's life. If you can squeeze a friendship out of it, go ahead. But it's not likely. If she's looking for romance most women do not tease themselves along like guys do and continue to see him in the hopes that a passionate spark will emerge.

My recommendation is to just be honest, up-front, and just let her know how you feel, and tell her that it's just a matter of preferences.

Accept the fallout.

You can't always have your cake and eat it, too...

But you can learn about how to have more REAL game here

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