DETAILED DATING PROBLEM:

Carlos,

I read over some of your material and I really like the Alpha Man book. As a writer and producer of television I have to commend you on your writing style. It is a very good read. Long, but the read goes down slow and smooth like a fine wine. Keep up the good prose bro!

Question:

At what point should a woman start to reciprocate in the proactive "winning and dinning" and pamepring during the dating process?

Situation:

I have been dating this wonderful woman for two months (to the day). This past weekend I just drop the boyfriend word. From the very first meeting it was on! Yes, we slept together and the passion continues to be great! Mostly because we meet over a year ago and both of us met through a friend of which both of us are independently very close which, has help us create a nice bond from the start.

It is going well. No drama, maybe becuase she is mature (33 yrs old) and German. Very respectful in returning calls and showing up on time and, most of all no NY bullshit of dating me and two or three "other guys" or "I think I have a thing for an old flame". We are definitely on the same page with this being committed to each other in dating. We see this as a good time in our lives to bring somebody in and have been spending each weekend together to get to know each other better.

I have been fitting most of the bill for she just came back into the country and has alot of expenses associate with setting up her consultantcy and moving into a new apartment. She is strapped.

However, what is lacking is a sense of old fashion "let me do this for you" attitude. Like proactively making plans for us to do things on the weekend (I initiate all the plans); taking me out on the town or to dinner; pampering me with a massage.

I should mention that If I ask for a massage or anything help with anything she will gladly give but, proactively/thoughtfully catering to me as I have her does not seem to be in her psyche at present.

This goes to little gifts as well such as bring over coisssants or flowers (yes, I like them) when she comes over for the night. My place has been the hub for the last two months seeing that her place just got up to speed this past weekend.

What she has done: She has taken me to a free events that her friend's hook her up with tickets. She brought me to her boss' place for a private dinner, letting everyone know who I was. If I ask for her time she will make for me and in some cases spending more than I asked. She has missed appointments.

Like I say we have been spending every weekend together minus one when she caught my cold from the week before. She insisted on staying with me instead of going out with friends and got sick. I do commend her for that.

In short, I haven really seen any thoughtfulness or effort in regards to giving a small gift or taking the initiative to pamer me. I have been spoiling her and we have had a great time. I even helped her out with paying for her bed because she did not have the money. She will pay me back, for she is a person of honor that, I am not worried about. It is the lack of giving right now.

I don't know if this is because she is independent and German (Northern). Or, this is how she is as a temperment...aloof. Or because I am soooo different from the nuckle heads she dated in the past that she does not know how to pamper a man. That side hasn't kicked in yet. I think part of it may be that she doesn't have great cash flow at the moment (which will change in the next month) but, as I said this is part.

How should I go about decerning what is the truth in this situation? What should I look for or how should I test her? More importantly when would be a good time to bring this up or should I?

Thanks,

T
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CARLOS:

Thanks for the detailed account. I'm going to explain what's going on, as well as cover a few things that I feel you could do differently.

First, let's define your woman's personality.

She is what she is.

I know, that's brilliant. You can wash my feet with rose-water later.

Seriously, that's a fundamental truth that I've covered in my books (especially the Dating Black Book.)

The person you meet is probably not going to change, or become a different person just for you. The behaviors and actions they are exhibiting now are likely to be the ones they will do for a very long time. (Translation - FOREVER.)

It's the Frog and the Scorpion. (Re-read this story in my e-book.)

Does that mean you're stuck with this?

No. You can bring it to her attention (in a very non-needy and relaxed way.) You simply state what it is you're looking for in a woman.

I recommend you have this discussion with her after you take a weekend off from hanging with her. It's my guess that you two are so consistent now that she's EXPECTING you, and you're predictable.

Very bad it is to be predictable, as my boy Yoda would say.

Give it another break. This time it's YOUR decision and choice. She needs to feel the absence of you before she will ever really appreciate your presence.

Next, if she gives you any kind of chick-speak about "this is who I am" blah-blah-blah... Just shrug and drop it.

If she doesn't make any concerted effort to take care of you after this point, which she most certainly won't, she probably never will.

You see, part of the problem of expecting her to do stuff for you is already a given. She isn't doing it because YOU ARE SPOILING HER!

Sorry, I guess I could have just said that at the start, but I like to paint the picture of your future in advance and save you the trouble of living it.

No one works to keep something they thing is theirs for the taking.

This is what it is to be taken for granted.

Congratulations. You're a living cliche.

Stop making excuses for her, like it's her family, or her ethnicity, or it's her time of the month, or it's her bad hair day.

This chick:

A) May not be a "giver"

B) Has no incentive to give from the way you've been treating her

That's it, brutha.

Spend a few weeks having her wait on you hand and foot. Then disappear for a week. No calls. No nothin'.

I can bet you what will happen. She'll be calling you, asking you what's wrong, where are you, etc. Then you tell her to come over and cook you dinner. And you know what? She'll be HAPPY to.

Now, do I condone this? Is this manipulative behavior?

Perhaps. But it illustrates something very important.

You wouldn't have this problem if you had demanded what you needed up front. Now you're throwing more and more good money after bad, investing in a stock that is not giving you any return.

At least not the return you want from it.

Alpha Men get what they want and make sure they're never ripped off. Human relationships are like anything else in life: If you're not getting what you want, you can only blame yourself for the choice you made and not asking for it up front.

Alpha Males start the relationship on the right foot, with the right tone and expectations.

Let me say it one more time in language that we can all understand:

You're her bitch.

Stop giving in the hopes that you're going to get sometime soon. You're falling into the Gambler's Trap that I discuss in some of my e-books.

The truth is that she now needs to feel what life was like without her favorite guy spoiling her and waiting on her hand & foot.

She really wants to wait on YOU, but you're not letting her, and therefore she's shut down all the nurturing parts of her.

Ignore her for a week. She'll realize her loss and come back.

Or she was never into you to begin with.

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