HOW MUCH FAILURE IS TOO MUCH?

QUESTION:

In the new approach program you say that "Unless you are Brad Pitt, no matter what you do or who you are, you aren't going to get many dates from the phone numbers you get from cold contacts. You're lucky to get 50 %, but you'll probably not even get 30 %." That pretty much totally shot down my expectations.

Yes, you get 3 dates out of 10 numbers, but that is a hell of a lot of failure. I was thinking that a guy that gets really good at this, especially after having all this training, should be getting more like an 80 or 90 % ratio of dates from phone numbers. It seems to me that a 30% ratio would be that of a dork that doesn't know what he is doing.

To be honest, that really lowers my motivation and my belief in what can be done. Let's face it, if you're striking out 7 times out of 10, it's going to be tough to keep a good attitude and confidence in your abilities.

I mean, I kinda feel like I would be wasting a lot of time with all those non-successes. Are you saying that even a player, a pimp-dady, can only expect to land 3 dates out of every 10 numbers or emails he gets? Can you please elaborate on this topic?
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CARLOS:

Reality is a bitch, isn't it?

I hate to be harsh about this but it's not realistic to expect 80-90% success. You may get there someday, but it's going to be unrealistic to think that it's anything more than a very long-term goal.

News flash, I've never said that you can expect those kinds of grand numbers. But keep in mind this is for phone numbers you get from COLD contacts. Not the warm ones, or the ones you get from online services.

Look, I want you to learn how to define reality for yourself in a way that gives you the most success.

Let's break this down by the numbers:

You talk to 10 women a week, you get 3 dates. Out of 100 women, you get 30 possible girlfriends.

THIRTY! That's a freakin' AWESOME ratio! Especially for only 10 weeks of work. That's if you hit it hard and stopped meeting girls entirely after that.

And that's NOT a hell of a lot of failure, if you consider the numbers. That's a hell of a lot of SUCCESS in my book. You can look at it as 70% failure, or 30% success.

Is the pie 70% gone or 30% left for you to eat? Is the glass 70% empty or...

You get the point.

Hell, a .300 batting average is pretty damn good in the major leagues. For those of you familiar, that's about a 30% success ratio. I'll take it!

In reality, you're 100% successful. Those 70% were practice for the next 30%, AND you should have been getting a lot of social exposure in the process.

And if, out of those 30 women you get 1 or 2 steady girls (not hard to imagine at all), I'll ask you this:

HOW MANY WOMEN DO YOU NEED?


But the bigger problem here is that you need to ask yourself what your expectations are.

You see, right now, your NEED to have them work out is what's going to make it seem like work. You need a woman to go out on a date to make it a success. Then, it will be your need to get every date to close with a kiss. Then it will be a need to get to sleep with all of them... pretty soon, you're not in it for a goal, you're in it to fill an endless hole inside you.

Exaggeration? Maybe. But probably not.

In order to get a good level of success out of your interactions with women, you still have to let go of this NEEDS-oriented thinking.

Outcome expectations are the dog's tail that you will chase until you die. Until you're able to let them go, they'll be the goal that's always just outside your reach.

THIS is the root cause issue to be addressed:

You're focused too much on the failure. The penalties. The "rejection."

Right now you feel like meeting and interacting with women is so much WORK. I can hear the exasperation in your tone. If you aren't successful frequently enough, you've defined this as a problem. You're not just enjoying the interaction with women. Instead, you're all about "getting somewhere."

Not that you shouldn't want that eventually, but the more you want it up front, the more you reek of AGENDA. And that's the nastiest cologne you'll ever wear.

You're focusing far too much on getting success and not enough, I'm afraid, on what it is you want. Define your goal first, then plan the steps to get it.

In other words, if you can't make the payments, don't buy the car. If it's too much for you, just stop meeting women now and take it easy. Relax. No need to fail anymore. You can sit inside and watch reruns of the "Simpsons" or something.

But if you want a few girls a month to date - then 12 dates a month is quite a LOT.

I hesitate to say that you won't be able to juggle that many women, even if half of them drop out.

The only difference between a player/pimp-daddy (?) and you is your attitude towards the process. They don't go into it with the NEED for success in ANY of their encounters.

Why?

Because Women can smell this a MILE away. When you're so results oriented that you can't pay attention and BE in the moment, enjoying the presence of another women, you seem desperate and insecure. And that's the last thing a woman wants to get involved in, unless she is desperate and insecure.

If you decide that you can't hack 70% non-success (it's not failure if you're at least getting numbers - success is relative), then be sure you're not just using the COLD MARKET. Keep working at online and speed dating and karaoke and all those other ways you can be meeting women.

Understand this - if you knew that you had a 30% chance to win a nice chunk of money from the lottery, would you play it?

Uh, duhhh.

Consider that millions of people play for one chance in a hundred million (something like .0000001% success). And they are more likely to get hit by falling space debris than win. But they keep on playing...

Remember: The reason you don't get those 70% HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU!

Women are flakes. People are flakes. It's just the way it is between human beings. I used to get all worked up over it, but it just doesn't matter in the end.

I can get angry at rain for being wet, and it will always be wet. And who's getting the raw end of that deal?

Remember, don't argue with reality. The source of all pain in your life is from wishing things were different than they are.

Stop working out the ratios and just get out there and have some FUN. You do that, everything else takes care of itself. Keep improving, keep striving. Get out of your head and expectations. Play the game to play it, and before long your skill will be unbelievable, and you'll win all the time.

Every professional athlete out there that has any staying power and success LOVES THE GAME more than he needs to win. The love of the game came first.

Get in the game for the FUN of it, or it will never live up to your expectations.

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