How Does You Just Be YOURSELF?

QUESTION FROM A READER:

Hi Carlos. I've been enjoying your podcasts for a few months now. I intend to purchase your materials when cash becomes more available. Like you, I'm a musician, a home studio enthusiast (SONAR rules!), and a black belt. I have a question just to provoke some thoughts. Lately I've been reading the Tao Te Ching, and the past couple of days I've been chewing on the following passage:

"Absolve yourself of the need or desire to be wise and sophisticated. Cast off reliance on the frozen thought forms and constructs that support domesticated behavior, and all life that you meet will benefit exponentially."

I know I'm not giving this to you in context, and I would NEVER say that wisdom should not be pursued, but bear with me. I can't help feeling, as I try to implement your counsel, that I'm being asked to step so far outside of myself that I'm going to be artificial. The simple truth is, I'm an open person. I feel more than others. I'm sensitive. I WANT someone who can handle that, because a good match for me will be someone who wants someone like me.

At what point, if I do everything you say, do I become a cookie-cut person? My openness and sensitivity are two big things that make me unique, that set me apart from the crowd. Even if it makes it hard to pick up women, there is goodness and value in these qualities. If I suppress them in order to find a girl, will I be representing myself truthfully?

Perhaps, if I'm just myself, it might take me longer to find someone, but the person I find will be a better match than if I project someone else's idea of a perfect man.

What do you think? Thanks for all your help. I really do get a lot out of your sharing.

Kyle in Georgia
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CARLOS XUMA RESPONDS:

Hey there, Kyle... Thanks for the props. (But I have to tell you that I'm a Logic user... You music geeks will know what I'm talking about here...)

The Tao Te Ching is an incredible book of immense wisdom. It's one of those books that I read and it changed my reality once I really let the wisdom soak into my life. (I also highly recommend "The Tao of Pooh" for those of you looking to understand Eastern Philosophy a bit more.)

But remember that the important thing about the Tao is that it is meant to be formless and without strict definition.

AND it also is counter-intuitive to human nature.

You see, human beings are inconveniently naturally wired AGAINST success in almost every area of our lives. That's why so few men ever really understand what women REALLY want, and fail to get REAL success with them.

That's why so few people ever acquire real wealth (spiritual and monetary) in their lives.

But let's speak more to your point, because it's very important.

I want you (and you who is reading this now) to understand that your identity is not your problem in this situation. You see your sensitivity as being a liability, and it can be if there's no other masculinity to balance it out.

You just have to be able to know WHEN and HOW MUCH to show your more feminine traits.

You see, I have to tell you that I have a lot of Yin (feminine) traits. I just know that they function only to balance out my strong Yang (masculine) side.

I'm very rough and strict and masculine in certain areas of my life, such as enjoying the interaction of conflict in Martial Arts, and leading classes and that sort of thing.

But on the other side, I enjoy emotionally involving movies (sometimes a good chick-flick), and sometimes gossiping and getting "catty."

Interestingly, it's this balance that most women find seductive and sexy about me. If I was simply another aggro guy looking to pick a fight, I'd be common. But the fighter who knows how to be a lover is immensely attractive to a woman.

What I caution men about is identifying too much with their feminine side, and then revealing this right away to a woman.

I suspect there is a lot of masculine behavior you could also uncover that you didn't know you had in you.

Just be very careful about how you think about "being yourself."

Recently I did a panel discussion with Q&A on the topic of "Authenticity."

There was an interesting moment where one of the other advisors on the panel recognized that a woman who was asking the question was really acting like this:

"Here I am. This is me. Too much for you? Can't take it? Yeah, I thought so."

A lot of guys present themselves this way, too. Almost like a way of fast-forwarding to their expected failure. It's the "I told you so" game.

Just be at ease with yourself, and be willing to realize that the identity you may have carved for yourself might not be evolving.

By the way, if you're interested in learning more about the games we play on others, as well as ourselves, you should take a look HERE: Power Social Skills

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