Dating Dynamics Newsletter - Dating Advice for Men

by Carlos Xuma

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QUESTION:

I'll ask you a question about Alpha man behavior, especially since you are a
martial arts instructor. I've joined a martial arts school recently and
have taken about 5 classes so far.

If a guy that is a real hot head gets in
your face, insults you, and raises his voice at you, should you
automatically fight him? Should you match his tone of voice, and get pissed
yourself, throwing insults back at him, and pushing him in the chest, which
is the almost universal form of male aggression leading to a fight? Or try
to deescalate the situation verbally?

That is definitely showing
disrespect, and I know that disrespect is totally unacceptable. I need a
better idea of when to entertain the idea of fighting, and when not to. I'm
thinking tha if I try to verbally talk him down, he may think I am a wimp
and afraid of him, and totally lose respect for me.

I know that if I got in
some guys' face, he'd prolly want to kick my ass. I also know that fighting
has repurcussions, but I want to know how to get and keep respect, even when
a dude tries me like this.
_________

CARLOS:
The first thing your sensei should teach you is that non-violence is the best measure. Remember the words from Kung-Fu, that TV show from the seventies:

" Avoid rather than check. Check rather than hurt. Hurt rather than maim. Maim rather than kill. Kill rather than be killed. For all life is precious, nor can any be replaced..."

The only time you fight is when A) you have no choice, and B) You know he's going to throw a punch. Then you strike FIRST.

The only way you get experienced at B is by feeling out people's energy, and it's not something that most can do. They're leading very insulated lives (insulated emotionally) and prefer the blind aggression to the real deal.

Remember that Martial Artists tend to be driven by ego more than ability. They put themselves in harm's way far too often because they just got their "blue" belt or some crap like that, and they endanger themselves and everyone around them.

The best approach is learning how to verbally disarm someone. I teach my students this, and my Sensei taught me this as well. You have to learn how to talk someone down out of their rage inspired moment of assault.

Why?

Because if that jackass has a shim or a knife on him, or even a gun, you know that no karate in the world can stop a bullet. You might be able to disarm them of a weapon, but don't count on getting away without bloodshed.

That being said, you do not escalate verbal confrontation. You have to tame your anger and learn how to VERBALLY SPAR. You have to learn how to manipulate conversation and defuse these guys.

You learn how to defend yourself physically... so it stands to reason that you better learn how to defend yourself verbally, too.

The way that you show that disrespect is unacceptable is by not accepting it, but not by throwing punches or returning in-kind.

You simply say something like, "Now why would you say something like that? I thing you're a pretty cool guy. I don't understand why you want to disrespect me like that when we're having a perfectly fun conversation here. Why is that?"

Watch how Richard Dreyfuss does this in "Stakeout." He talks down a drunk angry guy with just a few confidently placed actions and words.

************************
QUESTION - SORT OF...

Here's the first email from this guy:

" I disagree with your definition of a Alpha Male. The term represents the ancient archetype of the leader of small tribes and family's from our caveman days.

It isn't some nice guy running around in modern society. And for you to say he lacks aggression??? WTF Carlos. That is totally eroneous. Look at the history of the alpha male as being the most aggressive of males. That is why nature selected him to lead and dominate."

And here's his second email:

"what your portraying is a Real Man not a Alpha male. You should rechange your email to reflect this. Your list of criteria has nothing to do with the real archetype of the alpha male.

Who was agressive, clever, cunning, viscious and most of the things you said a alpha male was not.

Player_Supreme"


''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
CARLOS LAUGHS HEARTILY:

I get this a lot.

There are a lot of guys who love to challenge my expertise and knowledge. Apparently, in their little village, they're the experts on this sort of thing.

The interesting thing is that if someone knows so much about a topic, why do they spend so much effort to poke holes in someone else's work?

Answer: EGO

Too much insecurity and time on his hands.

But I want to address what he talks about because there is some confusion here.

First of all I'm redefining the Alpha Man. (DUH. That's why I capitalized it. And the term is Alpha MALE when referred to in scientific terms.)

The Alpha MAN is aggressive, but not overtly and not in a warlike, animal fashion.

You see I'm not trying to elicit men to revert to primal behavior here.

I'm trying to get you guys laid. Not in a gang war.

BIG DIFFERENCE.

Some guys just don't get that while we are MEN deep inside, we have EVOLVED.

That means that downright aggression is going to be viewed as BAD.

This doesn't mean that I'm not willing to fight for what I believe in. In fact, I think that most guys out there would rather avoid a confrontation. But you have to learn how to use that anger and aggression to FUEL your forward progress.

Am I making sense here?

Good.

Let's move on.

Now, he does have a point that the ARCHETYPE has these traits. Again, I'm not going to waste my time (and yours) by beating this example to death. Even though we need to emulate some of these caveman behaviors, we don't need to actually get big foreheads and drag our knuckles, now do we?

(If you're interested in what archetypes are, I suggest you study a little Carl Jung. He studied that there are symbols and examples in our lives that are standard, no matter what culture you are from. It's interesting stuff. Might even make great conversation on a date.)

Now as for other Alpha traits, I never said that Alpha Men (again, not "Male" - I'm referring to a MODERN Alpha) were not clever or cunning. In fact, in my e-book I explain this very thoroughly. The one trait a modern Alpha Man MUST have is the ability to out-THINK his enemies. Muscle is no longer the rule of the day.

In fact, it never was.

If brute force were all we needed to assure our survival, we'd never have gotten any smarter. It just so happens that intellect and wiles are much more important than physical power.

The true Alpha is able to manipulate social situations with ease.

That's why more women are Alpha than we might give them credit for.

So what you have here is a misunderstanding, probably.

This guy thought I was referring to the ideal Alpha Male, not my own modern Alpha Man. He probably was busy with this encyclopedia looking up all this great new terminology.

What he should have been doing was reading MY book... :)

If you want more Q&A, I suggest you go check out my Blog right now. I've got a ton of new information there for you, and it's updated pretty much every day.

But before you go, let me ask you something...

Are you looking to develop a few of the skills that you need to attract women? Not a ton of tricks, or magic hypnosis phrases, just a few core skills. I've got 'em.

They're not complicated, either.

I cover this and many other topics in my e-books and audio. If you'd like to learn more about how the REAL players get the women, you can download the information right away.

If you want to get that kind of understanding and control over your love life, you need to read my e-book. And you can get the benefits of my best e-books, RISK FREE for the next 60 days.

Get my books, the audio, read them and hear me explain the strategies, and then put it to work for you right away.

I wrote them in a simple, easy-to-use format that ANYONE can learn. Nothing is complicated, and there's no dumb hypnosis routines to learn. Just the stuff that will help YOU get more success with women.

THE DATING BLACK BOOK - This e-book set covers the dating scene, from meeting women, to your best attitude, to strategies, to how to touch women, to driving up their attraction, to dumping them when you need to move on. Looking for a woman? This book shows you the BIG picture.

Put this link in your browser to download it (you may have to put www. in front of it): datingdynamics.com

SECRETS OF THE ALPHA MAN - This e-book and CD coaching covers your inner game, from meeting women, to cultivating complete confidence, to life and success strategies, to understanding what the winners and Alpha Men in life have that you can have, too. Looking for a better lifestyle and inner confidence, as well as more women? This book shows you a map to a more successful LIFE.

Put this link in your browser to see all the great stuff in this set (you may have to put www. in front of it): alphaseduction.com

ADVANCED AUDIO COACHING - And if you're like most guys that love to hear advice and audible examples of things to learn by, and you want new and fresh tips every single month, The ADVANCED AUDIO COACHING is something for you to get.

Each month we go into loads of detail about every aspect of dating and seduction. From what to say to what to wear, to what to cook, to what to do when it's time to close the deal. Every session is over 100 minutes of top-quality digital audio that you can download and listen to right away. No waiting for a CD to ship!

Put this link in your browser to check it out (you may have to put "w w w" in front of it): datingdynamics.com/audioprog.htm

Remember life is too short, and death is too long.

Don't wait until your heart is broken before you take steps to learn how this game is played.

Get the information on how to improve your dating life TODAY. Make the changes you need to make to get the love, bedroom action, and relationships that you want and DESERVE to have.


I'll be back with more advice soon ...

- Carlos