Put yourself first now so you can put someone else first later...

I've got to say a big thanks for all the advice in your e-book, it has helped me endlessly. I decided to have a bit of fun over the last year or so, and in the space of a 5 months I had bedded 6 girls from work, who were just looking for a bit of fun also. Some days I would be really drained and pissed off as almost all the girls in my work would try and flirt with me or catch my attention. My work is really social and we go out a lot, and none of my mates really go out anymore so it becomes hard not to let one or two, or six! girls get a hold of me. All the emails I get from you, when I read the question, I know what the answer will be, but I have got into a bit of a pickle.

All of the girls from work have been kept quiet, so I do not have the image of being a player, but - I started seeing this girl in February, and have been bedding her every Friday or Saturday night since. The one problem is, that she stays with her boyfriend! We only recently started talking about why she was doing this, and she told me that if all was hunky dory at home, then she wouldn't be doing it. She said they never do anything together, and most of the time, in the evening, they are in separate rooms doing separate things. She said she was going to leave him and move in with a friend. I told her only to do this for herself, and not for me, which she said was why she was going to do that anyway.

Her brother had a party at the weekend and it all came out. They've not spoke much about it, but he left a note for her as she disappeared for most of the next day.

She said to me that she didn't realize how much she was hurting someone else, and she couldn't hurt someone else like that. Her mum says she should do whatever makes her happy, and she says she is a lot happier with me. So, she is just staying with this guy to make him happy. I have told her we need to stop our thing now, and it's better she decided now rather than later before I get hurt more.

I know the answer to  much of the above will be not to get mixed up in (a) a work relationship; (b) someone else's girl, but please please tell me am I doing the right thing in walking away and leaving her despite her still obviously having feelings for me?

I've told her it needs to stop now, but have also told her life's too short to just make someone else happy, and not herself.

Thanks in advance Carlos for helping me steer my life in the right direction.


A
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CARLOS:

Well, if I were you, I'd be doing exactly as you are.

Guys too often get caught up in the pursuit of the one that got away. It sounds as if you understand that the only way to get this girl in the end (so to speak) is to let her go and experience her crazy state. Every woman goes to crazy-ville after a situation like this.

Honestly, if she's staying with him to keep him happy, she's got issues you don't need.

This is called co-dependence in some circles, and in my circle it's called LOW SELF-ESTEEM.

If she needs to avoid his bad feelings, it's obvious that she's more concerned with what another person thinks and feels than herself, and this is a recipe for doom. Nothing good can come of it.

Just don't get caught up in trying to get her to change her mind, or try to "save" her. Sometimes guys get a little too hung up on the "but I know she has feelings for me!" side of it.

Remember - if she feels for you, she will SHOW it. Words are meaningless when it comes to finding a woman you can stay with. You need a woman who DOES the things you need her to do.

This is why I tell guys that you need to sit down and write down your code of conduct when it comes to women. Establish what it is that you will and absolutely will NOT tolerate in her behavior. Only by having something like this in your head will you be able to screen out the negative influences on your attitude and life.

Here's an example of my Code of Conduct:

1) No deception of any kind - Do not lie, or conveniently leave out information that I should know.

2) Don't disrespect or mistreat me in any way

3) Do not take me for granted


If a woman breaks (or bends) these rules in a way that I find unacceptable, she is OUT OF MY LIFE. I don't give her a warning, unless her infraction was an accident. But I'll be sure to educate her.

I also make it a point to weave these into my conversation at some point. Not in an arrogant or stern way. I just find a way to discuss that I have self-respect and do not accept any kind of mistreatment. I also expect that she would want this same thing.

It's amazing how women that might otherwise test and "work" you will find a new level of good behavior when they learn that they are not going to get away with things with me.

I also make it clear that I've got values and certain things that I need to have in a woman that will keep her compatible. Things like a spiritual grounding, a positive and healthy lifestyle, and a stable and flexible attitude.

Remember, YOU are the one to lay down the law in the beginning. It's up to you to decide what kind of a relationship you want, no matter how long it lasts.

This is the essence of Alpha Male Posture.

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