Dating Advice for Men Newsletter - 5/26/2005

Seduction Smarts...

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QUESTION:
I am planning a trip to Brazil.  I do not speak Portuguese and am trying to think up some “games” or interactions that don’t require talking. 

Here are some of them:
- Get them to hum or sing songs from the US or I might and have them guess the artist as I sing?
- Hot hands
- Thumb wrestling
- Any kind of magicI will have an electronic translator which can be fun as we type in words/phrases

Any suggestions or other ideas?

I feel that the above ideas are used in building comfort or later ... 

What would be some good introductions when they don’t speak English?

Thanks and keep up the good work,
JRJ
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CARLOS GIVES A BIG THUMBS UP ...

All of your ideas are good to start up the interaction with a single woman or even a set. They're playful and light.

They're also excellent ways of increasing your kino with women, too. Ideally, you want to be using a few prepared 'games' or challenges that get a woman physically as well as verbally involved. Just remember that they respond most to verbal enticements and interaction.

Which, if they speak only Portuguese, leaves you at something of a disadvantage.
So, in a way, you are always going to be a little behind the curve from the locals. But, on the other hand, your skills and understanding of seduction will put you ahead, too.

I think you should work the angle of the translator as much as you can, because you'll be doing something fun to bridge the gap of the languages, AND you'll be learning it in the process. Plus, you can start to have fun with more s*e(xual topics, and get away with it.

Here's one to use: Make it a point to use words that require a certain "tongue formation" that you can coach her on. Use the opportunity to demonstrate some linguistic dexterity.

And, also use the opportunity to take the Alpha role and be sure to teach the ladies as much English as you can. Bust their chops when they don't say it right.

You've got a great handle on this one, though. Just be careful about turning into a "dancing donkey." That's when you start performing for her like a circus animal to keep her attention.
Always remember that rapport and comfort need to come into the equation, too.

The best introduction would be something like saying: "Hi, I'm traveling the world. Can you teach me some Portuguese?" (In Portuguese, of course...) Or say it to them through your little translator.

Give us a field report when you're done there and we'll post it on the sites...
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QUESTION:

Hey Carlos,
I work with the general public as a clerk for a nicer than average
pawnbroker, and today I had a female customer who had loads of attitude.

She was basically making up stuff about me and attacking me verbally, saying
that I fucked up the transaction, when in reality she was lying about the
whole thing and trying to pull one over on us.

She was being pretty disrespectful to me, but I didn't say anything at all back to her when she said these disrespectful comments, because you always say not to react to
anyone. After about the third rude comment from her, I just up and walked
away from the transaction, and asked my coworker to take over. I went to
the back and beat up the wall!

Did I handle this the way an Alpha man should? I'm not sure, because you
say to never react to anyone, but you also say to never put up with any
disrespect. Does this mean that when someone verbally attacks you like
this, that you should not get pissed off and snap back at them? Just stand
there and not say anything, thereby not reacting?

My natural reaction was to get defensive, and start saying things like "I
did not!" in response to her obvious lies. Having studied your stuff, I
didn't do that, and didn't say anything at all, thus not reacting. Is that
correct?

I suppose I could have tried to attack her back, and get HER on
the defense, rather than trying to defend myself against her lies. I mean,
I'm not sure that saying nothing at all and just walking away is the correct
Alpha man way to handle a situation like this or not.

Please clear all this up so that I will have a better understanding of what to do in situations
like this, which will also I'm sure carry over into my dating life. I'd
also like to know if my reaction should be any different if I am dealing
with a guy vs. a gal. I need to know how to handle disrespect from guys as
well, so that I'll be prepared when these inevitable situations come up.

Thanks bro!
D
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CARLOS STEPS TO THE SIDE TO LET THE CRAZY WOMAN GO BY:

Excellent question! Let's sum this one up really quickly and easily ...

First of all, you do NOT want to let people walk over you. When I say to NOT react, I don't mean that you just smile as they flick their emotional boogers at you.

Sorry, that was a bit gross. But it was vivid, you'll have to admit.

Don't be anyone's punching bag! You NEVER need to let someone abuse you. Abuse is TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE.

Repeat after me.

TOTALLY unacceptable!

I never say to allow someone free reign to abuse you in the name of not reacting. What I'm saying is to not let your emotions get away from you and do what you did in the back room in front of her.

It's all in how you de-fuse their behavior.

Secretly, we all react to women like this as if they MIGHT be right about us. When we're not secure enough in our own status and ability, we get defensive.

Now, you took the first step, which was to not let her get a rise out of you, which is good. That's where YOU took control of your own behavior.

Now the next step is to control your emotions along with it.

What you've got to do is be able to redirect the energy.

There's an old rhyme: "I am rubber, you are glue ... whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you."

That was how kids in my neighborhood handled insults from the other kids that would try to get a rise our of them.

The mental frame you need to assume is that of an observer.

The next time you're in this situation, imagine you're in an insane asylum. You're walking down the hall of padded cells, observing the people in each one. As you peek in the window of her cell, she comes up and starts to yell profanities and insults at you.

Would you take it personally?

Would you need to go somewhere and pound on a table?

No. Because you'd know the person was clearly not part of your reality.

And, really, this person was no different. She didn't KNOW you. No matter what she said, you were not the real subject of her wrath. It was your business and your role.

NOT YOU.

But, somewhere inside, an insecure part of you said, "Uh-oh! She's trying to rattle me..."and you reacted INSIDE instead of out.

Consider this: Would you have reacted or cared if this had been a man behaving this way?
Notice that she fed off the fact that you wouldn't react and escalated her attack when she felt like she wasn't getting what she wanted.

Now, here's the way to handle it in the future:

- 1. Recognize early on that no one makes you feel inferior without your permission.
Take a few minutes and REALLY absorb the truth of that.

- 2. Continue to remain calm and cool on the outside. Don't show a reaction.
This woman was a whiney little b!tch who was used to getting her way. America is filled with this kind of woman. She thinks her little hot-pocket in her pants is 24-karat gold. She's part of the new breed of girl that needs some serious behavior modification. You can bet that she won't get it from her friends and family.

- 3. Recognize that this is all an ACT.
You show me the most hard-core b!tch in the world and I'll show you a woman with a very hard shell, and the SOFTEST inside you ever saw. She's protecting a VERY fragile sense of self-esteem inside.
If you REALLY know this and understand it like I do, you'll never feel intimidated around women again.

- 4. Continue to remain calm and cool on the INSIDE.
Don't start internalizing or personalizing anything a woman says to you that hasn't known you for at least six months.

- 5. De-fuse the situation with HUMOR.
Have you ever seen Bill Murray in action? Ever seen how he takes an angry situation and turns it around with a funny perspective. Watch him in Ghostbusters as he handles the people who try to get under his skin. He has a way of turning it around with his humor.

Example:

Her - "You cheated me out of my money for this, and I know you were trying to steal from me!"
You - (Slight chuckle to self and a smile) "Wow, sweetie, you sure seem upset. I just don't know why you feel like you need to yell like that. I know I get a bit peeved when Starbucks screws up my double latte."
Her - "You spineless turd! I want my money back! I want it now!"
You - (Leaning in closer and looking at her body and physiology like a trained scientist.) "Hmm. Spineless. Wow. This must mean a lot to you. But you know, you've got to learn how to turn that frown upside down!" (Putting your fingers to the corner of your mouth and changing a frown to a smile.)
Her- "Gimme my money!"
You - "Now, come on, you'll never get anywhere with me like that. Try it with me..." (Doing the frown-to-smile thing again...) "C'mon, it'll make my day. Then I won't have to worry about you going home and having a stroke."

You get the idea here, right?

Play with her. Don't provoke her, but keep it light and inoffensive.

And if she still goes nutty and won't calm down....

She's clearly a f#&$ing nutcase.
And if you choose to let a crazy woman get to you, there's nothing anyone can do to help you.

Just remember: It wasn't that woman that got under your skin, or what she said.

It was what you THOUGHT about what she said.

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- Carlos

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