The TRUTH About Dating and Attraction...

Wednesday, 11:00 PM: Carlos Xuma's Desk...

QUESTION: How can I use my handsomeness to my advantage?

My rating on hotornot.com is 9.4/10, I'm in very good shape and muscular because I work out a lot and take very good care of myself. Chicks dig me, and I definitely turn a lot of heads around.

At school I often don't have to do anything for girls to just come and talk to me and be very friendly.

My question is: How can I use my handsomeness to my advantage? Don't I need to somewhat alter the strategies you teach to get a woman into bed with me?

I'll be honest with you, since girls check me out so intensely I tend to freak out and get sort of paralyzed because I know they like me a lot. That sort of scares me so I don't take action.

Should I still ask for phone numbers and use the normal method or because of my looks should I behave in a specific and different way?

CARLOS XUMA'S ADVICE:

I'm thinking we should chip in for this poor guy so he can get some plastic surgery and look like the rest of us.

First of all, as you can see, just being good looking does NOT assure you of success with women. Having good looks is like having a slight head start on the racetrack of attraction. It's a bonus, but it does not mean an easy win.

As I always say, beware easy success. You never learn from it the same way you do through the difficult successes (or the failures.) You're never forced to analyze and understand what's really going on. And as a result, your bad habits stick with you a lot longer.

So the question is, do good looks help or hinder you?

And should you change your behavior?

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Well, being good looking is a double-edged sword. You see, initially, it helps you because you have an immediate "chemistry" with more women. They have a higher interest and attraction level in you right off the bat.

On the other hand, your looks work against you when women wonder, "Is he just a player? Does he really want ME or a notch in his belt?"

As I'm sure you've noticed, just because you've got the looks doesn't mean they're lining up to jump in bed with you based on your appearance. You still have to do the right things in the right amount, as I teach here and in my programs.

I suspect that your reluctance is working to your benefit (when you �freak out,� as you say) and women sense that you're not trying to jump down their pants immediately. You've got a little humility. And this translates as an endearing form of "hard-to-get."

Good. That's what you need to keep doing.

The second you start to get too cocky and arrogant about your looks, the women will sense this and put up a few �trust hurdles� right away. Women immediately distrust a man that gives off an ultra-smooth presentation. You need to be smooth without looking like you're smooth.

Get it?

You can still use my tease-to-please technique and bust their balls (in fact, that's mandatory), but you shouldn't joke as much about your "devastating good looks" or how she should just be dying to spend time with you � not even sarcastically.

Turn down the cockiness a notch. Actually, several notches. That kind of behavior will likely backfire coming from a good-looking guy.

Instead, turn up the humor and make yourself very down-to-earth. These will work wonders for you, by challenging the women and at the same time showing them that you're not a "player."

The key points here are:

1) Keep doing the things you normally would to hook up with women. Get phone numbers and dates.

2) Back off on the things that might make them think you're too full of yourself. Beware too much cockiness and arrogance.

3) Challenge women a little more. Divert their attention from your looks to their inner feelings of desire. Your looks will only get you so far before they will need to feel a compelling reason to sleep with you.

4) Play up your value by playing hard-to-get - but be attainable. Joking with her about how you�re "not easy" will only improve your perceived value in her eyes, especially when you start to seem like someone she could actually get.

Remember, skills in seducing women aren�t programmed into your DNA. Just because you're a guy - or a good looking guy - doesn't mean you know this stuff. So keep doing the right things in the right order.

QUESTION: What is the correct voice tone to project?

I have a very important question to ask you, and it relates to voice tone. I know that the correct tone of voice to display is one that indicates that you're confident.

Now, when being cocky & funny, teasing a women, etc., should you maintain the same voice tone throughout the conversation, regardless of what you are saying?

When you communicate with a woman, should you change your voice tone at certain times when you say different things?

What is the correct voice tone to project?

Is voice tone really that important? I mean I am not the type of guy that speaks with a weak voice tone whatsoever. I speak with a normal voice tone that I think sounds pretty confident. The reason I say this is because I cant find much information on this topic. What do you think?

Please help me solve this mystery, Carlos.

CARLOS XUMA'S ADVICE:

Tone of voice is VERY important. It's something that a lot of guys overlook. And, unfortunately, it's one thing that women can use to read you in a heartbeat. You see, each guy I meet out there tells more about what he's made of by HOW he says something more than WHAT he says.

As Sigmund Freud once said, A man leaks the truth from every pore.

To answer your question - YES, you must definitely vary your tone of voice as much as possible.

One of the worst things guys do with their voice is ....

Nothing.

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They simply don't vary their voice from a monotone, and as a result they sound ... BORING.

A woman is interpretive, not literal. She knows that people seldom mean what they SAY. She's learned this from growing up in social interactions instead of football huddles. So almost every woman you are going to meet has about a 20 year head start on most guys in terms of reading between the lines and figuring out the real social dynamics of a situation.

Women grew up having to be indirect with their requests and interactions with other girls (being too direct was frowned upon), so they learned very early how to understand when another girl wasn't saying what she really thinking.

And that means women have it all over guys in terms of her ability to read vocal tone and hear what a guy is saying UNDERNEATH his words. But you can figure her meaning out and develop this unused ability.

Let's use an example where, say, you asked a woman to go out on Thursday.

She says: "I'm busy that night."

Now, if she emphasizes the word "busy," she's probably blowing you off and doesn't want to get together. If she emphasizes the word "that," she's telling you that particular night is not available, but you might need to suggest another night. You have to listen for these small subtleties and adjust your strategy accordingly.

The good news is that guys can develop their ability in projecting a positive, confident tone.

Remember that when a woman first meets you, she doesn't know what is joking and what isn't. Only people who have known you for a while can understand when you're being serious and when you're being sarcastic ... or attempting to be funny. (This is especially true in emails, so be careful!)

For you, there's one very simple rule to follow with your voice: Vary your tone enough to sound INTERESTING.

The best exercise for this is to try your voice out on your pet. If you've got a cat or a dog, try telling them a story in a way that will hold their attention, and by also using hand gestures. If you can keep your pet from walking off in mid-sentence, you're probably using good variation in your tone of voice - and good body language.

Also, practice humming and singing from deep in your chest. I find that most guys that lack a confident tone are simply talking through their nose or high in their chest, so they sound very nasal and pinched. Let your voice out - and breathe deeply with your words so that you get maximum resonance.

You really need to HEAR confident examples to understand it, which is why I cover proper voice tone in my audio programs. Let's face it, there's no way I can adequately demonstrate tone of voice in this column, but you can HEAR how to speak more powerfully by listening to good examples, like old Cary Grant and James Bond movies. Listen for how they use their tone to be funny - and even seductive at the same time.

Take the time to cultivate an interesting voice and women won't be able to resist your charisma.

The secrets of compelling communication and persuasion are easy to learn.

Most guys don't approach women because they haven't got the SKILLS to APPROACH WOMEN. Once you have them, you'll feel less anxious and you'll actually DO IT.

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