The TRUTH About Dating and Attraction...

Wednesday, 8:40 AM: Carlos Xuma's Desk...

QUESTION: Liquid Courage

Hey Carlos,

Here's something I bet you can answer.

Saturday night I met a girl, someone with whom a friend had been trying to set me up for some time. So my friend talked me up, then first I met the girl's roommate and I guess she was impressed with me, then I met the girl and we chatted it up for a long time, nice pleasant chit chat. Overall I think there was some pretty strong attraction on both sides.

Towards the end of my stay at that bar, I was starting to get pretty drunk, and we met up outside the bar. I deemed it a good moment to go in for the kiss, and she sort of balked and I ended up kissing her neck. But I went in again a few minutes later and sealed the deal--as far as I can remember there was no resistance. We agreed to meet up sometime, and I got her number.

What I'm struggling with is if I went overboard by kissing her within a short time of meeting her. She didn't return my call last night, but there could be other reasons for that of course. (And yes I do realize that it's good to keep the alcohol intake at a reasonable level, the circumstances were what they were.) Some of the details were hazy, but I'm pretty sure I didn't say anything lewd.

But what I really hate is being in this position where I look back, trying to reconstruct the night, and wondering if I did something wrong. I am worried that I might have come off as too aggressive.

Is a girl typically going to be turned off by a dude who assertively goes in for the kiss early on...even if it's a confident second effort after a rebuffed first attempt?

You're the man Carlos--

- P.B.

CARLOS XUMA'S ADVICE:

Whoops...

Pop goes the cork on that one, dude. I think all men out there should take note that the glasses of "liquid courage" you're taking in are getting in the way for you developing the social skills and confidence you need to have when you're sober.

Liquor ain't quicker, dudes. It's a crutch.

Look, I love to drink on occasion, and maybe a lot of drinks. (Not nearly as much as I used to, though...) However, the reality is that if you want to avoid those "What did I say?" or "What did I do?" moments, you have to limit your intake. Alcohol is just a way to lower your inhibitions, but it rapidly becomes a liability to effective social skills.

I can tell you this: If you went in for the kiss and weren't sure you were going to get it, then it was your fault, and you shouldn't have tried. In the words of Sun Tzu: "All battles are won BEFORE they are fought."

It's incredibly easy to tell if a woman is ready to be kissed. You'll see her looking at your lips, you'll get a lot of kino, and you'll just feel a general "kiss vibe." If you can reach over and touch her hair without her pulling back, that's also a great indicator. If she shies from your touch or resists you moving closer for any reason, you better get back to the basics and get her feeling attracted to you again.

My personal test is simply to tell her I have a secret for her, and when she asks what it is, I motion for her to come close so I can whisper it to her. I watch her reaction very closely. Her body language will give it away whether she's ready for more.

It sounds like you got the kiss you were looking for, but now you're getting hung up on the fact that you weren't doing "X tactic" or "Y tactic" correctly. Given your state at the time, you probably won't ever really know what was right or wrong with your approach. Chalk it up as a learning experience.

Next time, when you've closed the deal, make sure you setup something for the two of you to do together so that she has a reason to answer her phone later. I'll guess that you probably didn't establish enough connection and rapport to make her feel comfortable enough to jump at the second date.

If you push too far too fast for physical affection - as many guys do - you'll just sabotage her attraction and desire by showing that you don't have patience and self-control. This then undermines her feelings of rapport with you.

It's less about what you do and more about what she has to gain later on from your interaction that determines whether or not your next date or meeting will happen.

Think about that for a bit...

You have to remember that we are all driven by selfish needs. She won't go out on a date with you later for YOUR needs. She'll do it for her own.

All success in life - especially with women - comes from a strong core of Inner Game. Even though you need to understand the techniques to use to understand the social dynamics going on here, you absolutely must be coming from a place of confidence and Alpha Man Power.

That's what I teach you...

QUESTION: Jealous Lesbian?

Top of the day. Recently I've been reading The Dating Black Book and the Seduction Method. Greek work man! Breaking the ice isn't really a problem for me,after reading your books.

What I don't understand is I feel I build enough rapport with the girls I've been talking to recently. I mean I tell them how I'm into male and female interactions and from the questions I would ask - which was mostly the questions you asked Kathy in your Advanced Coaching program - [and] they would completely tell me everything they wanted to see in a man...

The craziest thing happened to me at a party. I was cock-blocked by this stunning girl's friend. Her friend was a lesbian, so I didn't think she would be jealous of her friend talking to me. She could tell her friend was deep into the conversation with me, and would always pull her away.

What would I do in that kind of situation?

CARLOS XUMA'S ADVICE:

Of course she could be jealous of her friend talking to you. The lesbian chick was simply being protective - she was jealous because you were hitting on the woman she was attracted to.

"Ohhhh YEAH! Girl-on-girl action!"

Don't get so excited there, skeeter.

In reality, you should have worked to befriend the potential cock blocker lesbian. (Wow, that's gotta be the first time I've ever used that term.) When you see that there's another woman in the mix, you need to obtain her interest, too, or she's going to pull the pin on your grenade and ruin your game.

So what do you do when you do all the right things and you still find yourself blocked?

You have only one real option - You have to do whatever you have to.

What? You think that's too hazy? I'm not giving you enough detail there?

There's a recent movie I want to tell you about. The movie is called "The Last Kiss" and it stars Zach Braff (of "Scrubs" fame.) Zach is a great guy, and I loved "Garden State," but this movie was the epitome of the "chick flick." Still, there's usually something worth redeeming in these movies, a small lesson to be learned.

I did find one such nugget in this movie. The dad of the girlfriend talks to Zach about the cheating and how she won't see him, and Zach asks the dad what to do to get her back. "You do whatever you have to," he says. Meaning, it's not WHAT you do, it's that you keep going until you succeed. IF you really want her back.

Well, long story short, Zach sleeps out on the porch for a few days, and eventually she relents. I'm not sure of what the lesson is there except that if you annoy and persistently try hard enough, any woman will ignore her self-respect and just take you back.

Anyway...

The message for you is this - If there's something you want, you don't let ANYTHING stop you. The ultimate statement of desire is your work to GET what it is you desire. Nothing else speaks louder than that.

I know a hundred guys that would say: "Man, I want a Lamborghini!"

Yeah, sure, dude. What guy doesn't want a $200,000 sports car?

But how many guys are willing to really WORK their asses off to make the money for that car?

Not that many. They don't REALLY want that car. That's the bottom line.

They're just saying they'd like to have it if it doesn't mean too much effort on their part. They're tantalized by the possibility, but inside their own head they've already decided that they'll never actually own it.

Contrast this with the guy who will actually DO what is necessary to acquire what he wants. The guy who sits down and devises a plan to get the things in life he wants. The man with the plan is the one that usually gets what he desires.

IF he wants it bad enough.

So when lesbian friend drags your girl away, do you let her?

No, dude.

You go right back in there with your knife clenched between your teeth... you duck under the barbwire, and you avoid the landmines.

You persist.

Just go back up to the woman and say, "Hey, I realize we didn't get a chance to bond properly there and all, but I thought you were interesting. I knew that if I didn't come over and at least get your number, I'd never forgive myself."

Don't give up.

You are persistent not because you come from a place of weakness and lack - but from a place of desire and Alpha Strength.

The secrets of compelling communication and persuasion are easy to learn.

Most guys don't approach women because they haven't got the SKILLS to APPROACH WOMEN. Once you have them, you'll feel less anxious and you'll actually DO IT.

Do you ever feel like you're at a loss when it comes to approaching women and getting them interested in you - romantically?

Read the next couple paragraphs carefully, because this has a DIRECT IMPACT ON YOU...

Women are attracted to several key behaviors in men. These are things that many guys don't know are attractive to women because it goes against what they think of as "nice."

The ideas I've just discussed in the letters above are what I consider to be essential behaviors to incorporate in your identity. These are a critical part of dating success with women.

Most guys spend no time improving their skills with women, and they end up chickening out when the time is right to approach women. They'd rather sit back and talk about what they WOULD do, but not actually muster up the courage to DO IT.

I'm going to tell you a little secret:

I used to be the same way. I remember fondly going to a bar in Kansas City (where I was living at the time) and being so desperate to meet someone that I pulled out a business card, found a woman that looked attractive, and I handed it to her saying, "Excuse me, I think you dropped this."

What chance did that have of working?

About zero. Because even if she did find it cute and endearing that I tried, it was a pitifully indirect method of expressing my interest.

I found my card on the floor later that night, mixed in with some beer-soaked coasters and a pizza crust.

That was the last straw for me. I was fed up, and I'd had ENOUGH.

If you're like me, you know that this situation wasn't going to get better without learning some new skills and techniques to overcome my fears. It simply will NOT get better on its own...

I made a decision right then that lasted me a lifetime. I decided that - do or die - I was going to learn how to approach women, how to talk to women, and how to get a date. No matter WHAT it took.

I started watching other guys, trying out my own stuff, seeing what worked and what didn't, and I kept it in a book.

Now, a couple years ago, I took all that information and I created a training program that was designed to get you past all these hurdles.

It covers every part of seduction with women - without rejection and without shame.

And without feeling sneaky or dishonorable as a man.

I know what it's like to sit there feeling like you can't talk to that hot woman in the bar, or the attractive store clerk you'd like to ask for her number.

Now you can get the tools to fix this...

RIGHT NOW.

Go take a look at my Seduction Method program. I assure it's the piece of the puzzle you've been missing.

I'll talk to you again soon,

Your Friend,

- Carlos Xuma

If you want to email Carlos a question, send it only with THIS EMAIL FORM.