The TRUTH About Dating and Attraction...

Friday, 8:50 AM: Carlos Xuma's Desk...

QUESTION: What is it and why is it different than 'cocky and funny?'

Hey, Carlos, I just got your Dating Black Book, and I'm amazed at the insight you've put in it.

I need to ask you something: I've been trying a bunch of techniques to seduce women I meet at bars and parties. I've been using something called "cocky and funny" that I heard about. I understand you have a variation on this technique called: "Tease to Please..."

What is it and why is it different than cocky and funny?

- Dave K.
Chicago, IL

CARLOS XUMA'S ADVICE:

Well, the long and short of it is that a lot of guys are using things they've heard about on the Internet and in a book called "The Game." (I spoke at Neil's book signing here in San Francisco back in 2005.)

These techniques for developing attraction are all great to have and use, and are based on psychological principles that do work by playing on our sense of scarcity and innate value.

The reality is that these tactics (which I also discuss and teach) must be based on a firm foundation of CONFIDENCE. So the best techniques in the world will do you absolutely NO GOOD if you can't demonstrate a firm sense of confidence in the conversation.

When you put up a fake front, it's like trying to pass a bad check to a woman. She will try to cash it, and when it bounces because there's no real confidence in the account, she's going elsewhere to bank. Trust me, I went through this all the time before I figured out that there is no getting around the need for good self-esteem.

Now, you refer to the technique of being a little cocky and funny with a woman, which is very good at getting women excited and attracted to you, but there's a shortcoming to this method. Most guys just don't have enough funny to offset the cocky, and they come across as arrogant.

What I suggest guys do is be a little more teasing, instead. As long as you do it in playful and fun ways, it has the same effect, and you don't come across as an arrogant fool.

CONTINUED...

CLICK HERE TO LEARN MORE...

Example of poorly calibrated cockiness:

HIM: "Yeah, I know you want me. But you'll have to wait your turn. There's so many women here dying to get with me..."
HER: "Think a lot of yourself, don't you?"

Oooookay, any guesses as to why that one didn't work?

Usually it's because 1) the guy doesn't deliver it with enough of a "wink" in his voice to offset the message, or 2) he seems too uneasy and insecure - which makes what he said too incongruent with his personality.

Either way, he loses. She looks at him like a bug, and promptly swats him away.

Example of well-calibrated teasing:

HIM: "Oh no. You're one of those girls."
HER: "What kind of girls?"
HIM: "The kind that drinks chick drinks ending in 'tini,' like 'apple-tini' or 'strawberry-tini.' I just don't know if I can stand the social embarrassment."
HER: (Playful slap on the arm...) "Stop!"

You see the difference? If you think in terms of playful teasing, you'll elicit a better reaction from her. If you try too hard to be "cocky," chances are you'll mis-calibrate and come across as a bit of a dick.

So think "tease" ... and you're more likely to please....

QUESTION: How do I develop this attitude?

Hey Carlos,

I really have been trying to work on my attitude and mind-set, but it is hard at times. I usually just try to talk positively to myself and repeat affirmations that I want to come true. I meditate a lot and think about the me that I want to become.

However, I want to really develop the attitude of "I DONT CARE WHAT SHE THINKS ABOUT ME". At times, I catch myself caring a little too much about what people think about me, and I get mad at myself. I say things like "Why are you thinking like this?", or "Come on man stop".

My question to you is how do I develop this attitude? What things can I do to really INGRAIN this attitude within me. I want to come to a point where I TRULY don't give a dam what people think about me. What steps can I take to make that change happen?

CARLOS XUMA'S ADVICE:

Well, first of all, let's be completely realistic here...

Everyone cares what other people think to a certain degree. It's human nature.

If you didn't care at all what other people think, you'd be a complete sociopath and you'd be better off in an institution or prison somewhere.

When it comes to women, though, most guys care TOO MUCH what women think. It's a need for validation that goes all the way back to childhood when he was trying to win the attention and approval of his mom and dad.

The question is, how much have you (or any guy, really) grown up and moved away from this childish need? Are you running around begging for validation?

If you feel good enough about yourself, then the opinions of others matter less and less.

And, the reverse is true as well. If you do NOT feel very good about yourself, the opinions of others seem to matter a whole lot.

Negative thinking will sink your ship faster than a hundred torpedoes, my Alpha brother.

And that's one thing that most guys don't know how to control. No, not their torpedo...

CONTINUED...

______________________

Their THOUGHTS.

Thought control is the highest form of self-discipline a man can aspire to. It's the highest level of achievement for the Alpha Man.

To control your thoughts, and in the right way, gives you the ultimate freedom. And the ULTIMATE POWER - to control your life, and your destiny. I'm not trying to sound like some kind of flaky self-help guru here. But it's still true.

Everything man-made that you see around you began as a THOUGHT in someone's head. Cars. Buildings. Space probes. Even skimpy g-strings you see riding up the back of her butt.

Everything began as a thought in someone's mind. Yet, the sad fact is that we will go to any lengths to avoid THINKING. Or even trying to CONTROL our thinking.

Mental self-discipline is the rarest form of mastery a man ever achieves. He may become a buff, 220 pound mass of muscle and stamina through physical discipline at the gym.

But he will go through ANY amount of work to avoid using his MENTAL muscle - even though it only requires the least amount of physical effort.

But once you have a winning mindset, the world is YOURS.

Take it from me - I know what negative thinking can do to a person. I grew up in a household where my father was verbally abusive and a STRICT disciplinarian. (By today's standards, it would have been considered child abuse, but back then it was just a traditional Italian upbringing.)

I struggled for YEARS with a very low self-opinion. Girls wanted to boink me, but I was too down on myself to see the opportunities.

Once I cleaned up my stinkin' thinkin', the world got a whole lot brighter. And then women were a lot more into me because I gave off a POSITIVE aura.

The one thing you must avoid, however, is NEGATIVE reinforcement.

Yes, scolding yourself and getting mad at yourself is a necessary step in the process of realizing that YOU are responsible for your actions, and YOU are the one who needs to change them. You have to get disgusted and PISSED OFF at yourself once or twice to find the motivation to change.

BUT after that, you must be willing to take a more emotionally detached standpoint. In other words, get mad that you're not getting the results you want, but don't reinforce a negative opinion of yourself in the process.

Don't tell yourself "Oh, what's the use, you'll never change..."

Or, "You're screwing it up again! You always screw it up!"

Instead, the dialogue goes like this:

"What the heck? Okay, that definitely was NOT what I wanted. So what did I do wrong there...? Okay, now what did I get right? Now what am I going to do different NEXT time...? Okay, now that event is over, I've learned from it, and it's time to move on. NEXT."

And then LET IT GO. Don't dwell on mistakes as if they define you.

You see how that's a PROBLEM SOLVING dialogue, not a "You're such a freakin' idiot" dialogue?

I use this all the time when I train kids in the martial arts. If they step out of line the wrong way, I'm going to bite down. But after I've corrected you, and I've shown you the correct path, all is forgiven. That's how behavior is effectively corrected.

The biggest difference here is the QUESTIONS you ask yourself in that internal mental dialogue.

Do you ask yourself what you can do better?

Or do you ask yourself why you're such a chump?

One of those questions has the seeds of greatness in it. The other has the seeds of sour apples and negativity.

The choice is yours.

The secrets of compelling communication and persuasion are easy to learn.

Most guys don't approach women because they haven't got the SKILLS to APPROACH WOMEN. Once you have them, you'll feel less anxious and you'll actually DO IT.

It's time to learn the TRUTH about women ... and attraction.

It's all about your Inner Game...

Discover your inner Alpha Man - NOW

Click HERE to learn more...