The TRUTH About Dating and Attraction...

Thursday, 8:30 AM: Carlos Xuma's Desk...

With a big enough "Why," there's almost no "what" that's too big.

QUESTION:

Hey I always hear you experts say when you get a girls number just call her ask her to meet you somewhere and hang up. I wish it was that easy, whenever I try that girl's always flake and I mean always. I'm starting to think they do that because of security, I think they don't wanna meet you because they don't know you yet so they want to talk on the phone. Do you know why whenever I ask a girl to meet me when I call her it never works?

Let's break this one down and talk about it, because you bring up some good points. (Which are covered in The Dating Black Book in detail.)

Yes, a woman does need to feel comfortable and REASONABLY secure to meet you somewhere. Women have a trust account balance of ZERO (sometimes less, depending on her trust issues) for you when you first meet them.

However, this does NOT mean that you need to spend an hour on the phone telling her your history so that you can gain that trust. Too often, guys think that they need to tell her all the biographical information about themselves before she'll agree to meet.

Ask yourself this:
"What can I tell her (or NOT tell her) that would make her interest in me so unbelievably high that she HAS to meet me?"

This is your overriding focus. That's all you have to think about. Get out of your own head (where most guys sit, wondering "Why isn't she just jumping all over me?") and start to take the ACTIONS that make her interested in you.

Now, too often, a guy starts out with a diminished view of himself, as he's viewing himself as guilty until proven innocent. So what does he do? He proceeds to tell her where he works, how long he's been there, how many people in his immediate family, their names, where they live ...

BLAHH... blahhhhh.....

What's lacking in all that information?

CARLOS:

Excitement! There's not one drop of excitement and mystery in any of that information. Facts are dry and dull, and they don't make her trust you more. Tell her something that she can get excited about.

Let's say, for example, she was talking about her sister going over to Europe.

"You know when I got back from Italy last year, I felt like I'd just come back from the best food in the world. But what were you saying about your sister?"

Keep her talking about herself, and drop small incidental facts that make her CURIOUS.

For example, she's talking about her best friend getting a new car.

"I was thinking of trading in my car, too," you say. "But it's perfectly good. What do you drive?"

And after she's told you about her car, you can bet that she'll want to know more about YOUR car.

Talk as much as you like about HER, but keep your disclosure relevant and somewhat foggy.

Now, it's really a balancing act. You see, you have to weigh some measure of control over the information. You have to give her a little information that proves your social status, while at the same time making her excited to think about actually meeting you again and talking to you more.

Is everyone getting this? Nod your heads with me. Good!

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She has to be MORE excited and interested in seeing you again than she does to NOT see you again. She has to feel she has something to GAIN by seeing you rather than something to GAIN by AVOIDING seeing you again. There has to be more PLEASURE for her to do it, or she just won't do it.

This principle is covered in detail in the e-book, and I really think it's the most important thing you can learn about your game with women. Too many guys float through life expecting people to do what they would like with no idea how to demonstrate the benefit for the other person.

The best way to handle this concern of yours is to start with a pre-determined time limit on the phone call with a woman. Start with 15 minutes and do your best to go less if you can. Write down a few facts that are relatively interesting about you (most guys go on and on about sh*t she couldn't care less about.) And make sure you sprinkle in enough humor and cocky comments that you get her feelings engaged. Listen to her interest in her voice and tone and words.

So, you don't just get on the phone and say, "Hi, Jane. I'd like to get together with you this week. Let's meet at Starbucks at nine. See you then!" Click.

Way too abrupt. Use your head.

You have to avoid looking like your avoiding giving her any talk or conversation about yourself. Plan out a few details about yourself, think about how to phrase it so that they sound interesting (instead of "I'm a garbage man," try: "I'm cleaning up this country one residence at a time"), and make it funny enough that they're entertained.

Another fact worth noticing is that if women are flaking on you, there is not enough interest in you to keep them interested. Bottom line. You're not doing a good enough sales job at the start. (And "sales" does not mean "reciting your family history.")

Sometimes women flake because of legitimate reasons. Sometimes they flake because of their mood. Sometimes they flake because of ANYTHING at all. There's always going to be some women who are not that into meeting.

But in my experience, most women flake because they were never sold well enough in advance on all the excitement and fun they'd have by meeting you.

If I were to guess something else that's holding you back, I suspect you're not thinking from the space of a guy who is totally confident that what he has to offer is beneficial to her. You are still coming from a zone where you feel you need to "prove" yourself to her in some way before she'll meet you. She hears it in your voice and your words and your attitude.

You're assuming you're guilty before you're proven innocent.

As a result, just to get you off the phone, she'll agree to a meeting, knowing that she can just no-show later on. She's just trying to not hurt your feelings. (Actually, women are simply trying to not feel bad about THEMSELVES for making YOU feel bad. That's why they don't just say "no.")

Here's an iron-clad strategy that will at least improve your odds a little. When you're done making the plans to meet, you tell her: "Now, Jenny, if there's one thing I hate in the world it's when I'm flaked on. Don't you hate that, too?" (Wait until she agrees.) "And I just know you're not the kind of girl who would flake on me. Would you?" (Wait until she falls all over herself to convince you that she's definitely NOT a flake.) "Good. Then you're the kind of gal who deserves my time. I hope you're ready to have fun on Thursday. See you then."

Some guys will even read that and say to themselves, "I could never say that to a woman!" Mostly because they have never set a boundary on the kind of mistreatment they're willing to accept. And, as a result, women have no problem piling on the mistreatment.

I guarantee you if you get them to verbally acknowledge that they will show up, you will increase your show-ratio by double, if not more.

Now, it also sounds to me as if you're not planning this out enough in advance. If you get a phone number after talking to her for 3 minutes on the street, you then need to understand that you have a woman who is only mildly interested in hearing from you again. You have to make the next phone call sooner than you might normally have, and you have to make it at least twice as interesting so that you get her interested enough to meet you.

It's tough to balance your level of disclosure with a woman. There's a fine line between what you feel you need to tell her and what she really needs to hear.

I learned the hard way about this when women would lose their interest in me before we even got to meet once.

In fact, it infected my whole attitude with women, and before you know it I went from moderately successful dude to frustrated chump.

Then, I saw what was going on. It became so clear that women don't want men who just chase around after them like lost puppies. They don't want "Nice Guys" who give them everything they want. (That's the problem! Most every guy gives a woman exactly what she SAYS she wants!)

Then I started to connect the dots and understand just what was happening and why. I saw through the manipulations, the silent-treatments, the games... I finally understood why they wouldn't call, and what it was I was doing (and NOT doing) to get these results.

Listen to what other people have to say:

"Hi there: So far I am blown away by the The Dating Black Book. My printer is busted so I have to print it at work cause I just can't get enough of it ... I own every program on the market. Yours was my last holdout and the best was last. I find myself quoting you to friends and family often and your take on "reality" is bang on. My problem is if you follow your rules it is like shooting fish in a barrel ... All these chicks wanna have sex the first night..." -G

"Just wanted to drop you a note of thanks for your contribution to males everywhere (if they are smart enough to do something about it). I am reading your Black Book and am finding it quite impressive the more I read it...�Your book has loaded my mind with information. I know I will succeed.�� I'm getting back on the upward spiral.�I'm starting to talk to more women, I'll date them when I'm ready..." - D.M.

"Thanks you so much for your Dating Black Book and Transitions!! I never thought it could be so easy. The tips helped me from next to never getting laid to being a real player with girls. Every man should read it!!!" - F.M.

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I'm in this for the help I can give you, educating men to do better in their lives in the one thing that has eluded us for thousands of years - SUCCESS WITH WOMEN.

Is there anything more important?

You see, the first 30-60 days of any dating relationship with a woman is THE most volatile, since almost ALL the mistakes are made here. If you last past this point, chances are you'll be able to keep her for as long as you like.

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I remember when this realization hit me, and how excited I was. I stayed up that night writing out how I'd use the knowledge to improve my dating life. It wasn't until years later that I got around to writing the book on it, but I finally did it. And now you can download all these priceless strategies right now at: /ebookstore.htm

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