The TRUTH About Dating and Attraction...

Monday, 7:30 PM: Carlos Xuma's Desk...

Sorry for the long stretch, but I've got a lot of things cooking on the stove. First of all, I've started getting some good members-only exclusive advice out to the owners of THE DATING BLACK BOOK - a little benefit of ownership for those of you who are still sitting on the fence about getting it.

And you'll be seeing more input from Carlos Xuma who will be helping out as I put together the next awesome book for you guys.

QUESTION:

Thought I'd share this with you... this happened before I read your advice column but inadvertantly did the 'I gotta go see my friends routine' to get their email...as you say in your letter. To prove it works to your readers but I didn't even read your letter at that time!

Anyway, I had this cute chick at the shopping center where I work and after talking to her for a while I asked her what she did and she said 'I study fashion - or something' I said to her (honestly) I don't know anything about that..and walked away (I thought that I wouldn't really have anything in common that she's not for me). Anyway she also must have picked up on the genuine feeling that she wasn't up to my level or my disinterest or something..

The next day I walked by her shop, didn't say hello (because I thought it was waste of time...) and she yelled out to me !hello! to get my attention and I was trying to ignore her..they are funny...!

Anyway I should have got her email then ..but now... she's going with some geek from the junk shop accross the way..but better luck next time.hey.

BTW..the advice about getting their email rather than their phone number is correct from my experience (you can tell your readers) because for some reason they won't give you their phone number but .. email they will!..??? weird...but true I believe because they find it (email) non threatening. Turns off there radar ...

Amazing, isn't it? The more disinterested you are, the more they feel they need to "prove" something and win you over. If you come on strong, she'll shoot you right down.

CARLOS:

A couple of things I'd add to this:
- Yes, you should have gotten her email.
- Yes, she totally picked up on your apathy.
- No, luck had NOTHING to do with it. Your successes are the result of pre-meditated ACTION. And so are your failures.

One thing: If you were interested at the start, but now you're just getting around to thinking you should have gotten her email, you're way behind. Even if you don't think you'll use it, ALWAYS go for the number and/or the email. It's a habit that has to be ingrained in your mind as early as you can. And it's interesting how it's always better to have it and not need it than to need it and not have it.

Dating is all about OPTIONS. The more options a man has, the more empowered he is.

Email is the least intimidating option for her. It also allows you to interact in a medium that lets you plan what you say a little more. When you talk on the phone, you give her too many chances to figure out why she shouldn't go out with you. Remember, she's always looking for a reason to screen you out and get rid of you.

Email sneaks by their radar because it comes across as non-threatening, as you say. This is because it has a very casual element about it. (But make no mistake, she still knows what your intent is.)

Hi!

I recently started to date a really nice chick, she's got lots of humor and one hell of a body! =) Anyways, yesterday I met her for the second time at her place to "see" a video. ;-) As the night progressed I could practically see attraction oozing out of her more and more. ..and when I felt we had got a connection, I moved in for the kiss. Nice. ...although after I stoped kissing her, she practically jumped on me wanting more. I just had to hold her off for a bit...

Two reasons; One, keep em wanting more. Two she's a REALLY bad kisser. :-/ ..some time later it occured to me. Maybe she hasn't been with so many guys before (if any). I mean, I have kissed alot of girls, and none has been this stiff and ...mechanic? I was like she had read a "how to" in cosmopolitan or something. ... and I had to push all evening to get somewere. Sure, I moved back some to let her "breathe", but only twice the whole evening did she try to do something on her own.

It is quite nice that she lets me do almost everything and says that she think it's nice (as long as I move in her tempo), but I want something back you know. The other girls I'm seeing sure isn't this pulled back.

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Ok, the Q's.

First of all... do you think she's going to stay this way for ever and ever, i.e. that she seldom makes a physical responce to my actions. Sure she kisses me back and all... but I hope you understand what I mean. She thought it was nice when I was close to her with my hands all over her, but she didn't give any back.

...and is there something I can do to change this or should I let her go?

Second, if I am to stay with her. How do I teach her to kiss better in a nice way? ...cuz, I sence it on her that she knows that she is a bad kisser, and I dont want to be mean or anything. ...BUT IT CANT STAY THIS WAY!!!

Third, this doesn't really consern just this girl, but it is rather a general Q... As I said this was the second time we met, but as the time ran fast and it got quite late, so I stayed over. And me beeing a very physical guy slept very close to her, BUT! ...I didn't feel as if she were ready to have sex just yet, so I didn't even care to try get some (the reasons mentioned above).

Was this to early to sleep with a girl? ..I made sure that she wont see me as a friend and all.. but you know, I'm new to the game, what can I say..?

Class! Pay attention. We are going to cover some of the important learning points presented in that letter.

1) You got to go to her place on the second date. Nice! Getting it back to her place is a solid step forward.

2) You went for the kiss. Sounds simple, but most men talk themselves out of even trying for the kiss.

3) You stopped kissing her first. Excellent! Leave her wanting more. If only a few men would learn this.

In answer to your questions:

1) She will not stay that way forever and ever -- if you do the right things to get her to move in. She definitely has an internal inhibitor that is stopping her from taking action on her desires.

But, in all fairness, IT WAS ONLY THE SECOND DATE. What up, homey? What's the rush?

If her kissing was that bad, and you can't stand the thought of kissing her again, much less sneaking into her pants, you might want to just end it with her now. On the other hand, if your goal is to get a little more intimate, then you ought to start working toward that goal. What you're doing now is counter-productive.

2) How can you teach her to kiss better? Get her to slow down. Don't insult her by saying, "You kiss like a jellyfish." Remember that constructive criticism NEVER works. You have to show her what you expect.

You should figure out if she's kissing bad because of poor technique, or because she's not that into kissing you. Some chicks are confused when they're young, and she might not be FEELING it. Girls rarely kiss poorly if they're really into it. She's probably nervous, too. Add to this the fact that you might be her first guy, and you've got a prognosis of Beginner-itis.

So pull back when she starts getting all sloppy and bad, and just whisper: "Shhhhhh.... let's go sssssloooooowwww....." I'll bet her eyes will bug out just from hearing that from a man. Then proceed to show her by example how you want to be kissed. Every time she starts doing her old crappy kissing, you stop her pull back and gently tell her to sssssllllloooowwwww down. Then resume. There's no reason you can't train her to kiss better, and then be sure to reap the benefits of that work.

3) It's not too early to sleep with her. It's whenever you want it to be, and whatever you prefer. Just don't hold back out of fear. When fear guides you, you're doomed.

Let me explain:

1) He's probably good looking. Beautiful women are NOT attracted to supplicating emotional wimps like this unless there's some raw attraction at work. He probably has a good picture up, too. Good looking guys can often get away with these corn-ball emotional plays because they seem like they're "different." Unfortunately, he's got this emotional bait he uses, and it reinforces his belief that he's being successful because he's getting these responses.

2) As you noted, he can't keep one of these women for more than a week. And it's because he's such a chump. Therefore, any results he gets in interest from women is immediately negated by his inability to GET ANYWHERE. Don't mistake his activity as "success." It's PITY.

3) I'd want to see proof that these 24 posts were all from beautiful women. I hope you're not just taking his word on it. I would tend to believe that he's really getting interest from all the DESPERATE and PSYCHO chicks out there looking to find a man QUICK because they're turning 32, or because he hit a nerve with their misfit nature. (Or from a bunch of frustrated stay-at-home freaky men who are testing out their new cross-dressing pictures.)

4) There's a big difference from getting 24 pity postings from women who see him as a puppy with a broken leg. If he gets a date with any of them, THEN we can talk. Until then, it's all fantasy.

5) This poor guy is unlikely to change his behavior unless he changes his fundamental beliefs. Man is the crazy kind of animal that decides that when something isn't working, he can just TRY HARDER. And that's the dumbest approach. And he also thinks that if he puts his bleeding heart on a web page blog, he can just show all those women out there what a great catch he is by being a cry-baby.

Once again, healthy women are NOT attracted to this kind of behavior, and even the UNhealthy ones know better. That's why he's only got postings and no real action.

He's not a role model, dude. Trust me.

HOWEVER, you can take a few lessons in demonstrating vulnerability to women from his method. You have to mix a little of that in your game so that women don't think you're just being a player.

You do have to show a little of your personality so that they can believe you're really you, not just a cocky bastard.

I think that mix is what you need to have to improve your success ratio.

After all, dating and seduction really is so complicated and illogical. How do you know when a woman is reacting to who she is, or who you are? What do you have to do to get that rapport you need?

I will warn you not to get into the habit of doing the sex-less sleep over thing. I'm sure it felt all right at the time, you two cozying up like two spoons in a drawer, but It's a BAD habit to start.

You might think "Cool! I can just sleep with a girl and not need anything!" Which can be good, as you've achieved a state of control.

BUT you also tread the dangerous ground of not making your sexual intentions real. In other words, it's an easy lie to start telling your subconscious - that you want to just sleep with her when you want more. From there, you might start heading down that road where Nice Guys run to their romantic death, and you might even begin to resent other men who sleep with women "too" early. You start to get pissed because they get laid easier, and you're not getting those results, so instead of improving your ability, you start hating them. Then you start believing those other guys are "bad" or "jerks," and you'll change your behaviors for the worse.

That may seem like kind of a stretch for this situation, but it's important for you guys to watch out for this complex and avoid it before it traps you. I've done it, and I've counseled MANY others who have had to be rehabilitated, too. Don't start being motivated by a state of fear or lack in your life. (Yes, it leads to the Dark Side.)

A woman needs to know that you're a physically safe person to be around, HOWEVER, you lose your sexual charge by just sleeping next to her like that. You'll be AMAZED to see just how quickly this will happen, and how quickly you'll be looked at as a sexless girlfriend of hers.

As for her restraint ... get over it. Some women hold themselves back out of guilt, fear, phobia, lesbian tendencies, ignorance - whatever. You must be prepared to initiate EVERYTHING. Right down to taking off every stitch of her clothes, leading her to the bedroom, opening the condom package, and ... well, you get the picture.

She's probably harboring a thought process that says: "If I don't initiate anything, than I can't be a slut, and then anything that happens isn't my fault." You'd be amazed how many gals start out thinking this way.

You know, I went out in the dating world for years and made a complete mess of myself and my dates. Kissing badly. Fumbling to get to first, second, third base ... Not sure how I was suppose to go for home plate. Not sure if I was being too "nice."

I learned the hard way when women would lose their interest in me. And, because I had no confidence that I could repeat my success from the last gal, I'd get stuck in the "better than nothing" (BTN) complex, and I wouldn't cut my losses early enough.

Then, I saw what was going on. It became so clear that women don't want men who just chase around after them like lost puppies. They don't want "Nice Guys" who give them everything they want. (That's the problem! Most every guy gives a woman exactly what she SAYS she wants!)

Then I started to connect the dots and understand just what was happening and why. I saw through the manipulations, the silent-treatments, the games... I finally understood why they wouldn't call, and what it was I was doing (and NOT doing) to get these results.

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CONTINUED...

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