The TRUTH About Dating and Attraction...

Monday, 1:00 PM: Carlos Xuma's Desk...

QUESTION:

Approaching woman in a gym

A gym, to me, is a place highly charged with sexual energy. Everybody is busy with their own bodies while checking out everybody else. Do woman feel self-conscious when in a gym and do they think that all the men are testosterone plugged perverts? Seeing as one gets to see so much of a woman's body in the gym, how could one approach the hot ladies without making them feel bad or be at a disadvantage having them think that you are some pervert?

I am well built and on good speaking terms with the aerobics class instructor (always singling me out), so it's not as if I'm NOT getting noticed, but whenever I walk by most girls (some of them regular attendees) they refuse to just look me in the eye to allow me the opportunity to greet them. I try to act as confident as possible, but is there a point when it becomes "too much" and they think you are just full of yourself?

J
South Africa

CARLOS:

Testosterone Plugged Perverts.

T.P.P.

That's a new term by me.

Here's a little of what's going on ....

Yes, there is a lot of body self-consciousness at the gym. A lot of women are sensitive to the exposure. They're in outfits that pretty much tell you at a glance whether they're in good shape or not. That leaves them feeling very "exposed."

Not to mention the fact that the hot women in a gym are always being stared at and picked up on. A lot of the women are actually there for the exercise FIRST. While they're not ruling out meeting someone, they do want to get what they came there for - the workout.

Oh, and let's not forget that women HATE being seen when they are sweating. (Another reason to lean back on the teasing and cocky comments about them. They're also more vulnerable.)

CONTINUED...

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So they're a little more sensitive to male attention at a gym than they might be at another location.

The answer to your dilemma is to approach her first with a very disarming and non-intrusive introduction.

Here are a couple:

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The rest of this week's article can be found at:

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We'll be back with more dating and seduction advice soon...

-Carlos

QUESTION:

My ex G/F of six years just recently stopped speaking to me and will not even acknowledge me. We broke up over a year ago but still would see each other from time to time. Usually we spend the weekend together we still went places and did things like we used to but it was mainly for the incredible sex. We always ended up in a screaming yelling fight and she usually pack her @#%$ a leave. She allways seemed to come back to our motel room a while later ands tell me if I could calm down she would stick around.

Any way I have been an evil bastard to her as result of her negetive and sh*tty atituted towards me. No matter how civil I am she always finds an excuse to be a bitch which eventually results in me losing my temper and calling her names and using all the things she has told me about herself against her. She is very insecure and can not handle being called things like a sweaty pig or a stinky dirty slut. She has finally stopped talking to me she will respond to my email or ansewr my phone calls. I dont understand this because last time we spoke I did not flip out even though she was a totol bitch. The only thing I did was ask if she was seeing anyone new which resulted in her hanging up on me and we havn't spoke since. I did leave a few nasty voice mails and send her a pretty @#%$ email.

Can [you] give me an Idea of how I might get her to speak with me again after all she is a great lady and at one time was my best friend.

Good gosh. You're kidding me, right? It's bad enough you didn't even spell-check that gruesome tirade ...

Okay. Let me get this straight: You mean to tell me you called this woman a "sweaty pig" and a "stinky dirty slut," you lose your temper, you leave nasty voice mails and emails, you dredge up the dirt from her past, and you expect her to respect you or be interested in being your friend? You call her vile names to her face, and you then tie it all up with "she is a great lady" and once your "best friend"?

(Insert look of complete astonishment here)
(Insert shaking of head and rolled eyes)
(Insert sound of hysterical laughter)

CARLOS:

Dude, if I were talking to her right now, I'd tell her to run for the hills and get as far away from you as humanly possible. No joke. She may be insecure, but it appears to me that she's mostly reacting to the gasoline that you're pissing on her campfire.

Is this how you treat your "friends"?

Seek some anger management. Your temper and anger is a problem. You have no idea how a lack of emotional control will cripple you in life - and with women. The one thing healthy women desire is your emotional control, because they will test you with freakish emotional outbursts that make Liza Minelli look like Ghandi on Valium.

You're ducking out your responsibility for your portion by pretending that you only acted as a "result of her negative and sh*tty attitude" towards you. You both have a claim in this, and your emotional control is always your responsibility. When you've lost that, you've become a reactive pit bull, a violent emotional grenade that's looking to have his pin pulled.

It seems to me like you've used up all your second chances with this woman. Sometimes the most amazing thing to me isn't what women will put up with, but what a man expects that he can get away with dishing out. Quite frankly, I'm amazed you two lasted for six years.

Don't get me wrong; I'm not siding with either one of you, but you've made it pretty clear that your relationship was probably about as dysfunctional as Angelina Jolie and Billie-Bob Thornton's doomed marriage. Out of her insecurity, she manipulates you to have an emotional outburst, which you conveniently provide, and start the whole psychotic gambit all over again.

How you can get her to speak with you again?
Gee, let me use some freakin' common sense here. Maybe stop abusing her?

STOP being such an emotional child. Clean up your attitude and treat her with respect and dignity - even if she DOESN'T treat you this way. And if she ever does talk to you again (which you frankly don't deserve, no matter how much of a "bitch" she may have been in the past) you better remember how fortunate you are, even when she's yanking on your grenade pin.

Ask yourself one question: Are you behaving like a person who she should talk to? Answer that truthfully.

Sorry for the wet slap of reality, dude, but it sounds like you need it.
I usually don't jump into "relationship dynamics," but this situation seemed to beg for it.

There is a dynamic here, by the way, and one worth noting. You see, when things go wrong in a long-term relationship, there is never just one person who screwed it up - it was a joint effort. Guaranteed.

In fact, if you want a great test for a woman you're dating to see if she's "relationship" material, ask her this: "So tell me, why did your last relationship end?" (First of all, you're beating her to the punch, since this is a standard first-date screening question. Second, it puts her on the defense for a moment.) Listen VERY carefully to her answer.

If she absolves herself of all responsibility and refuses to acknowledge HER role in the disintegration of a previous relationship, you should consider that a red flag. You may be dealing with a woman with issues, and if she's unable to see her part of the responsibility, then she's liable to not take any responsibility with you either. (You see, even if her last boyfriend was a complete nut case and it sounds like it was mostly HIS behavior that screwed things up, you have to wonder why she stayed with him. If it was for anything more than sex, she probably has self-esteem issues.)

CONTINUED...

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Remember that we tend to bring out the best and WORST in the people we date. A relationship is a catalyst for all the crazy insecurities you can dredge up. The more you have, the more you rub against hers, and that's where you start to see the problems.

Take the time to get your emotional control in order first, because that's most important. Then you can deal much more rationally with any of the insanity you'll encounter out there when you're with other women.

You know, I also went out in the dating world for years and made a complete mess of myself and my relationships. I would get into every dysfunctional situation you could imagine. I learned the hard way how it's never just one person's fault. Because I had no confidence that I could repeat my success from the last woman, I'd get stuck in the "better than nothing" complex, and I wouldn't cut my losses early enough.

Then, I saw what was going on. It became so clear that women don't want men who just chase around after them like lost puppies. They don't want "Nice Guys" who give them everything they want. (That's the problem! Most every guy gives a woman exactly what she SAYS she wants!)

Then I started to connect the dots and understand just what was happening and why. I saw through the manipulations, the silent-treatments, the games... I finally understood why they wouldn't call, and what it was I was doing (and NOT doing) to get these results.

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