The TRUTH About Dating and Attraction...

Monday, 10:00 AM: Carlos Xuma's Desk...

"I have read your book couple of times ... your book is great!! Honestly your book is so different from most of the books out there ...You start from zero and went so far in your book, which is so [clear] (even though I think it was so difficult for you to build it like that) to have an idea of what must and what must not ... do." -A.S.

QUESTION:

There is a women who says that she loves me she knows I am married but she keep asking me what I want from her. I told her I would like to make love to her but she wants to here more.

CARLOS:

Get out of your marriage and then make love to all the women you want. But don't ask me to condone dishonorable behavior like cheating on your wife. You should have considered this more BEFORE you said "I do."

Otherwise, take your medicine. You made a commitment, so stick with it.

(Oh, and watch "Fatal Attraction" a few times so you can get an inkling of what this other woman could do to your life if you screw around.)

QUESTION:

I hope you can help me. I have looked everywhere and figured only you guys will probably have the answer.

I'm looking for a professional definition of the phrase "The Wing Man!" I was surprised to see it wasn't anywhere on your site.

CARLOS:

Here, I'll give you the classic and modified versions:

A Wingman is a guy you bring along with you on singles outings (like to bars) that helps you out with the women. Typically in these ways:
- Since women often travel in pairs or packs, your wingman helps you approach them without feeling weird about being solo.
- The wingman will sometimes take the least attractive gal of the pair you approach so that you can get the one you want. (Though, this is not always necessary.)
- The wingman gives you social proof - or validation that you are a trustable man, not some drifter in town just to get laid.
- A wingman helps by motivating you to get away from the television and go out to practice your skills on women, and you do the same for him.
- The wingman can also be a more skilled seducer, a man from whom you can learn a great deal by flying at his side.

Keep in mind that a wingman should never be too inexperienced or he will hold you back. (Unless you are mentoring him.)

I don't watch a lot of television, but I understand that there is a Bud Light commercial where they have a pretty good parody of the wingman taking "one for the team" by suffering at the table with a lame gal while his partner is out dancing with a hottie. That's one of the situations a wingman can be put in, but the learning and support system is unbelievable if you do it right.

Your wingman is an invaluable assistant for you (and you for him), so don't underestimate the value of finding one that you can work with.

CONTINUED...

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QUESTION:

I had a girlfriend of a year and a half. We are over 10 years apart- I am older. we grew to love each other and had a good relationship- I met the parents and the whole nine. Recently she is moving to NY to go to school and broke up with me saying she just isn't girlfriend material right now. I guess she just wants to experience other guys and life and grow right? I was also clingy and wasn't being a go-getter in our relationship I admit- I was being very anti-exciting and anti-ambitious, wasn't keeping my word about what I was going to do and she mentioned that too. I know that contributed to her losing interest too. meanwhile, she is really go-getting and doing her thing and acheiving.

What do you think I should do to get her back and how? what do you think about the whole situation and how I could build myself up and be more appealing to her and get back in with her? How do I make a woman feel protected? how do I not just give into her way all the time (one of the things I did too that I know helped spell the end) and show my anger appropriately and show that I have backbone? lemme know please. give it to me straight, no chaser.

CARLOS:

Hey, I'll even give it to you shaken, not stirred.

There's an interesting saying: You know you have someone special when you want to be a better person for them.

There's only one problem: You don't have her. So your desire to - as you say - "build yourself up for her" is driven from a need for redemption.

Yes, she probably wants to go out and (as Chris Rock says) get some dick. I don't know how old she is, and I suspect she probably does need to sow some wild oats. But even if that weren't the case, you haven't exactly been keeping the home fires burning, now have you?

Hindsight is most definitely 20/20.

So let's go through the mistakes and how to correct them:

1) Clingy.

Clingy is BAD. Don't cling. This puts women into a mode where they wonder if you are capable of protecting them. A real man is independent. He stands on his own, even when he's with a woman. THAT, my friend, is how you make a woman feel protected. You show her a man that doesn't need her approval to be the person you are.

2) Not a go-getter.

You need to find a little ambition in your life, dude. Women are attracted to ambition because it's an Alpha male trait, indicating that you are a survivor, provider, and protector. It's rather complicated how these attitudes are connected, but suffice to say that a lack of ambition indicates passivity and the opposite indicates an active disposition.

Get involved in something in life. Find your passion. Women are attracted to men who are chasing their dreams because it allows them to latch on to your excitement and energy.

One warning: Just as women love to tag along with a man who has passions other than her, many like to divert his attention from those passions back over to HER as a method of proving their control and her importance to you. Don't fall for this trap. Once she's pulled your attention off your passions, she'll leave you because you'll have lost her interest.

I'd think after all this the answer should be obvious: Reverse your errors and demonstrate the opposite of those qualities you just mentioned. Demonstrate independence. Get a little fire and ambition. Get out there and DO something. Do some exciting things. Show some backbone and refuse her requests from time to time.

I'll be brutally honest: Once you've lost a woman's interest, especially by acting in all the counter-productive ways you've listed, you've got nearly zero chance of reclaiming her attraction.

And, even if she did give you a "second chance," you'd have to be able to maintain a consistent strength and power about you, because at the first indication that you might slip into your old "wimp" mode, she would disappear faster than Saddam Hussein in a sandstorm. She would test you constantly, and take you for granted at every turn. Respect, once lost, can almost never be regained.

You're much better off developing your attitude (may I highly recommend THE DATING BLACK BOOK to help you get there?) and giving the benefit of your newfound strength to a new woman who will appreciate it. Because it's doubtful your ex ever will. The best you can ever hope to accomplish is to become the kind of person you know you need to, and then let her see the new you - without making it obvious that you're trying to win her back. You see, even if you were to change for the better, if she thinks you did it just to win her, you won't win her respect. She'll just think you're a complete supplicating approval-seeking wimp that she can manipulate. Act from your own center, not her opinion of you, and make it clear to her that this is your source. Only then do you stand a chance of her taking notice and becoming interested again.

Sometimes the price we pay for our errors is this kind of pain and regret after the fact. Instead of chasing her down and putting yourself down another painful path, you need to take this pain and frustration and let it FUEL YOUR CHANGE - to correct the next situation. Let it change you for the better instead of chasing down and trying to right your mistakes. They're over with. Move on.

CONTINUED...

______________________

Trust me on this. I used to try to fix all my mistakes, thinking that I would somehow redeem all my wimpy behavior out of the past. I went out there for years in the single world and made a complete mess of myself and my relationships. I had a hell of a time getting myself acclimated to attractive women, because I'd literally get so nervous my legs would shake. Along this path of learning, I had some extraordinary successes, and some really unbelievable failures.

In fact, there was a point where the failures piled up so high that I almost became a nervous wreck about it. Seriously, I started thinking that my dry spell was going to be permanent.

Then, I saw what was going on. It became so clear that women don't want men who just chase around after them like lost puppies. They don't want "Nice Guys" who give them everything they want. (That's the problem! Most every guy gives a woman exactly what she SAYS she wants!)

Then I started to connect the dots and understand just what was happening and why. I saw through the manipulations, the silent-treatments, the games... I finally understood why they wouldn't call, and what it was I was doing (and NOT doing) to get these results.

I have an offer for you that you simply can't refuse. Pretend I'm your Godfather. Call me your Don.

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