The TRUTH About Dating and Attraction...

Saturday, 6:20 AM: Carlos Xuma's Desk...

QUESTION:

Hey C,

I lightly studied your material for almost a year now, but in the last 2 months or so i've taken to it much more seriously. mainly because one of my friends brothers is a very good PUA, once we became friends he pushed me a long a bit and has helped to improve my confidence a lot and my outer game skills, and with closer look at your material (The Dating Black Book, the Seduction Method, the audio coaching sessions and newsletters) i have seen better and better results and feel a massive boost to my own self confidence. You were certainly right about having a good wingman improving your game a lot quicker than on your own..

Anyway to my question, my older friends think that i am not changing for the better because i can't seem to have a good time going out unless i'm interacting with women. Now this is great in terms of motivation for improving my game, but they think that i'll become like my friends brother constantly torn between several girls at a time (doesn't sound so bad to me!).

While i love being with women and enjoy all aspects of the game from a successful seduction to a crash and burn and coming away with experience, i can see their point that i used to go out and have a good time without any of that being necessary and maybe its unhealthy if i'm becoming too reliant upon it? or perhaps they are just exaggerating because of jealousy.

Your opinion would be greatly appreciated Carlos, at the end of the day all i want (like everyone) is long term happiness, but i'm doubting which route i should take.

Yours,
E

CARLOS ANSWERS:

Let's be clear that every man has his own path to walk. Other people can give us all the suggestions they like, but the reality is that there are things in life we need to learn by EXPERIENCING them. We can't be told about them.

Getting better with women is one of those things.

So in short, no matter what route you take, do not DOUBT. If you are going to make a mistake, do it whole-heartedly. Give it all you got.

Most guys are running around out there doing their best to avoid failure, not realizing that failure is how we learn. If you didn't fail a hundred times when you were learning to walk, you would never have learned. you would still be crawling.

I can tell you that you do need balance in your life, and you should be doing more than JUST pickup with women. But if that is what is giving you short-term happiness, then you're not in a bad place. This is just where you need to be.

Eventually, you will evolve past needing to just go out and meet women. Especially if you find one that is worth keeping around for a while. But for the time being, follow your heart and your own internal compass, and learn to trust it.

We all need to swing the pendulum to the extreme to find out where our limits are, and to settle into a reasonably comfortable middle. It's only through exploring the extremes that we can find where we are truly supposed to be.

If you get too caught up in second-guessing your actions, always worried about whether you're making a mistake, then you're always going to feel like you're doing something wrong. You'll always feel like you're holding back.

Your friends are probably concerned in one way, and jealous of your dedication in another. Just remember that the ALPHA Man knows that his path is his own. If he runs around worried about what other people think, he'll never fully live his own life, just the expectations of others.

"Worriers (and spellers) can be hired for minimum wage."

"A lot of people waste a lot of time and energy worrying about what others think of them - which is actually the combo of ego amok and low self-esteem. Or worrying about problems that might arise - which is only useful in context of strategic planning and proactive prevention."

CONTINUED...

CLICK HERE TO LEARN MORE...

I like that explanation of worry. Especially the most damaging kind - worrying about what other people think about you.

This is the single most limiting mental trap you can fall into.

If you want to know more about how to live the Alpha lifestyle, take a look here:
https://www.alphaconfidence.com

CARLOS ON TV:

I'll be appearing live on ABC's "View from the Bay" television show here in San Francisco on Wednesday, August 23rd. The show is a news-magazine style program with notable stars and guests, and now I'll be one of them!

I'll be discussing speed dating events and giving dating advice for men ...

The show will air this Wednesday 8/23/06 at 3:00 PM Pacific time.

I think I'm supposed to be on with K.D. Lang. Should be interesting...

QUESTION:

I've got to say a big thanks for all the advice in your e-book, it has helped me endlessly. I decided to have a bit of fun over the last year or so, and in the space of a 5 months I had bedded 6 girls from work, who were just looking for a bit of fun also. Some days I would be really drained and pissed off as almost all the girls in my work would try and flirt with me or catch my attention. My work is really social and we go out a lot, and none of my mates really go out anymore so it becomes hard not to let one or two, or six! girls get a hold of me. All the emails I get from you, when I read the question, I know what the answer will be, but I have got into a bit of a pickle.

All of the girls from work have been kept quiet, so I do not have the image of being a player, but - I started seeing this girl in February, and have been bedding her every Friday or Saturday night since. The one problem is, that she stays with her boyfriend! We only recently started talking about why she was doing this, and she told me that if all was hunky dory at home, then she wouldn't be doing it. She said they never do anything together, and most of the time, in the evening, they are in separate rooms doing separate things. She said she was going to leave him and move in with a friend. I told her only to do this for herself, and not for me, which she said was why she was going to do that anyway.

Her brother had a party at the weekend and it all came out. They've not spoke much about it, but he left a note for her as she disappeared for most of the next day.

She said to me that she didn't realize how much she was hurting someone else, and she couldn't hurt someone else like that. Her mum says she should do whatever makes her happy, and she says she is a lot happier with me. So, she is just staying with this guy to make him happy. I have told her we need to stop our thing now, and it's better she decided now rather than later before I get hurt more.

I know the answer to� much of the above will be not to get mixed up in (a) a work relationship; (b) someone else's girl, but please please tell me am I doing the right thing in walking away and leaving her despite her still obviously having feelings for me?

I've told her it needs to stop now, but have also told her life's too short to just make someone else happy, and not herself.

Thanks in advance Carlos for helping me steer my life in the right direction.

A

CARLOS:

Well, if I were you, I'd be doing exactly as you are.

Guys too often get caught up in the pursuit of the one that got away. It sounds as if you understand that the only way to get this girl in the end (so to speak) is to let her go and experience her crazy state. Every woman goes to crazy-ville after a situation like this.

Honestly, if she's staying with him to keep him happy, she's got issues you don't need.

This is called co-dependence in some circles, and in my circle it's called LOW SELF-ESTEEM.

If she needs to avoid his bad feelings, it's obvious that she's more concerned with what another person thinks and feels than herself, and this is a recipe for doom. Nothing good can come of it.

Just don't get caught up in trying to get her to change her mind, or try to "save" her. Sometimes guys get a little too hung up on the "but I know she has feelings for me!" side of it.

Remember - if she feels for you, she will SHOW it. Words are meaningless when it comes to finding a woman you can stay with. You need a woman who DOES the things you need her to do.

CONTINUED...

______________________

This is why I tell guys that you need to sit down and write down your code of conduct when it comes to women. Establish what it is that you will and absolutely will NOT tolerate in her behavior. Only by having something like this in your head will you be able to screen out the negative influences on your attitude and life.

Here's an example of my Code of Conduct:

1) No deception of any kind - Do not lie, or conveniently leave out information that I should know.
2) Don't disrespect or mistreat me in any way
3) Do not take me for granted

If a woman breaks (or bends) these rules in a way that I find unacceptable, she is OUT OF MY LIFE. I don't give her a warning, unless her infraction was an accident. But I'll be sure to educate her.

I also make it a point to weave these into my conversation at some point. Not in an arrogant or stern way. I just find a way to discuss that I have self-respect and do not accept any kind of mistreatment. I also expect that she would want this same thing.

It's amazing how women that might otherwise test and "work" you will find a new level of good behavior when they learn that they are not going to get away with things with me.

I also make it clear that I've got values and certain things that I need to have in a woman that will keep her compatible. Things like a spiritual grounding, a positive and healthy lifestyle, and a stable and flexible attitude.

Remember, YOU are the one to lay down the law in the beginning. It's up to you to decide what kind of a relationship you want, no matter how long it lasts.

This is the essence of Alpha Male Posture.

- Carlos Xuma

The secrets of compelling communication and persuasion are easy to learn.

Most guys don't approach women because they haven't got the SKILLS to APPROACH WOMEN. Once you have them, you'll feel less anxious and you'll actually DO IT.

It's time to learn the TRUTH about women ... and attraction.

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