The TRUTH About Dating and Attraction...

Monday, 10:00 AM: Carlos Xuma's Desk...

QUESTION:

Hi Christian -

Once again: your book has helped me in so many ways, THANK YOU.

One more question for you: what tips do you have on the first kiss situation? I find this part the most challenging in the whole dating game. Please let me know if you have any ideas.

F

CARLOS:

The first kiss can definitely be tricky, but this is one area I can give you some quick tips:

- First of all, your number one rule is this: "You Must Already Know If She's Going To Kiss You BEFORE You Go For The Kiss." (A variation of Sun Tzu.) Chant that every night before you go to bed. It's important.

You see, you never go into a first kiss situation without knowing in advance that she's going to return it. It should never be an ATTEMPT, but a definite CLOSE. If she refuses you a kiss, you probably already knew it long before but didn't admit it to yourself.

The way to test this is easy: At some point on the "date," if you are aware that things are going well, and you've been using kino as I describe in the book, you should lean well into her personal space to test her reaction. There are a couple ways to do this, but I'll give you the one that's easiest: Get up to go to the bar or to the bathroom. You make as if to leave, walking behind her, and then come back to her. You put one hand gently on her shoulder and lean down within six inches of her ear. Ask her if you can get her something when you return.

Watch her reaction. If she seems comfortable with the touch and the proximity, you're in good shape. If not, you need to work on the other attraction strategies from the e-book some more. Then you go in and test again. If you do this three times with uneasy reactions from her each time, you should consider ending the date. She's either got physical trust issues, or you two are simply NOT hitting it off.

- Make sure you're "kissable." Use some Chapstick or a lip moisturizer that give your lips a kiss-able look.

- Kiss early if you can. You don't have to wait for the end of the date to come before you go for the kiss. In a lot of ways, it can be better if you do. If you can sneak in a short kiss early, you will 1) Show her ten times the confidence that most men have, 2) establish yourself as different than the rest, 3) Give her a reason to relax if she thinks that the tense part is over with.

- Make it a quick kiss, always leave her wanting more. Your kiss is short, slow, and gentle. No tongue or added moisture. When you're done (after YOU cut off the kiss) you give her a strong look in her eye and make an "mmmmm...." noise.

CONTINUED...

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Last, but most important, if a woman refuses or avoids the kiss at the end of the first date, she's off the team. Straight to the locker room.

No woman who is truly interested in you would refuse to kiss you. Remember that.

I was out with a gal on Saturday who asked me to walk her to her door, and when there was a short gap in our conversation she leaned in and kissed ME. Why? Because of all the attention and tension we had built up over the course of that night. (Everything I preach in THE DATING BLACK BOOK.)

So get out there and get some, guys...

QUESTION:

Hi

I don't know if u could help me on this. I have a problem with meeting and accepting women. I am good hearted person, good looking guy but I don't mind about my style. That makes me average, I guess. However I want to get a very good looking girl which I freak whenever I meet one. On the contrary I can easily communicate with say average looking girl but after two dates I come to conclusion [not] to meeet that girl again. This way I have been single and only one date with a year! yes! last year. I am afraid I am going to be eternal bachler. Can u help?

Why of course I can help! That's my purpose ... my reason for being ... Yeah... you know.

CARLOS:

It's interesting how differently we treat good looking women from women we're familiar with, and the more average looking. I've said this before, but it appears that men somehow place more value on the opinion of a good looking woman than an average or below-average gal. (It's actually a well-known fact that good looking people are believed to be more trustable.)

A lot of guys fall into the trap of thinking that if you just go after a woman that isn't too challenging for you, you can have sex and not have to deal with all that bullsh*t. The fact is that your mind knows when you have settled for less, and you'll find yourself wanting out so badly so quickly. Every guy has probably tried this at one time or another and learned the horrible truth, the way you have after your initial one or two dates. They don't have enough to attract you back for more, and so you bounce back and forth between the ones you want (but have a tough time overcoming the intimidation) and the ones you don't want (that are easy, because you're not as invested in the outcome.)

I believe you're going to have to work your way into this a little. It's just not reasonable to think you can jump in the deep end of the pool if you find yourself freaking out as you walk down the steps into the shallow end.

Women have extremely keen sense when it comes to your confidence. Attractive women doubly so. If you're not congruent with all your body language, attitude, and words, she'll sniff you right out. Women who are attractive get a lot of interest from men, and a lot of interest from men they have no interest in.

So what would YOU do if you kept getting approached all day long by women you weren't interested in? You'd learn clever ways to blow them off or get them out of your hair. You'd put up fake obstacles that would challenge the wimps (and the wimps would fail), and the ones that overcame those obstacles could stay on the island a little longer. (Does anyone still watch "Survivor"?)

The average girls you find are probably easier to be relaxed around, and as a result you find that you have no problems with them. OH, except one... You're not ATTRACTED to them. I hate it when that happens.

My question is that if you are finding it easy to communicate with the average girls, why should good looking ones be ANY DIFFERENT? (Trick question - They're NOT.) You see, what you've got is a mental block that most guys have.

Think about it this way. You're sitting at home one night, and you take three phone calls from three different women you've never met or seen before. (Let's say you put up a personal ad.) You get along fabulously with all three (since you have no way to know what they look like) and setup dates with all three for the next week. Two out of the three turn out to be gorgeous, and the other one is only 'average'.

Now what if you were sitting across the table from all three of them and talking to them? Different story, huh? You'd probably find yourself immediately nervous in front of the two hot ones, wouldn't you?

What's the difference between the two situations?

Just ONE thing: What you are THINKING. Your thoughts are your traitors. Because you know damn well that you would have had no problem if you couldn't SEE these women and thus be intimidated by their appearance, right?

So the trick is to start changing how you THINK about women. Not always easy, but not necessarily hard, either.

I suggest you start working on two different angles:

1) Work on your belief system.
Something inside you believes that an attractive woman is intimidating - just because she is hot. In reality, you have to start realizing, remembering, and reinforcing that attractive women are NO better than any of the rest. The ONLY difference they have is their vanity, and a bravado that covers up what is almost always a damaged self-esteem. When all you have is your appearance, you live in fear of the loss of it. There is no true sense of confidence if you are basing your self-perception on your looks. As a result, these women are actually EASIER than most other women because they have more general and predictable patterns of behavior. (I cover this in detail in the e-book.)

2) Work on your acclimation.
The only way you'll ever be successful with the attractive women is if you can be relaxed around them. That won't happen overnight. You have to gradually get used to their presence, to the point where it doesn't even faze you in the slightest. Your goal should always be to achieve a state where there is NO ONE who intimidates you. (Imagine being able to just walk up to the President and slap him on the back, and then start to give him some foreign policy advice. No one frightens you.)

What you do to get acclimated (and eventually NUMB) to good looking women is this:

- Start spotting the hot women. This one is a no-brainer; 99% of guys do this all the time.
- Start observing the hot women. I don't mean just watching those perky little boobies and her tight bubble-butt, either. I mean observe their ACTIONS. Watch how they behave and you'll start to notice something very interesting: They are just as insecure and nervous as most of the guys out there, if not more. And the women who don't appear insecure are hiding it under a bitch shield.
- Start making eye contact with all women. Push yourself to make eye contact with every woman you pass by on the street. Practice this until you can hold it (non-threateningly) for at least 3-5 seconds, or until she looks away - whichever takes LONGER. When you have this mastered...
- Start saying hello to the women. Just a quick "Hi" is enough. Some will return it, some won't. But the fact is that you'll be the better person for having taken the risk.
- Start approaching the hot women. I've already written loads on this, here and in the books.
- Start teasing and busting their balls. Again, if you read the e-books, you'll have no problem picking this up.

By the time you get to that last step, you're going to feel pretty comfortable around ALL women, regardless of their physical attributes.

If there's one thing you keep on your mind, make it this:
Almost every single person you meet has at least as many (if not MORE) insecurities than you do.

CONTINUED...

______________________

Yes, that's completely true.

If you can start to build that belief in you, you're going to find that attractive women no longer freak you out in the slightest. You'll have conquered your Mt. Everest.

I went out there for years in the single world and made a complete mess of myself and my relationships. I had a hell of a time getting myself acclimated to attractive women, because I'd literally get so nervous my legs would shake. Along this path of learning, I had some extraordinary successes, and some really unbelievable failures.

In fact, there was a point where the failures piled up so high that I almost became a nervous wreck about it. Seriously, I started thinking that my dry spell was going to be permanent.

Then, I saw what was going on. It became so clear that women don't want men who just chase around after them like lost puppies. They don't want "Nice Guys" who give them everything they want. (That's the problem! Most every guy gives a woman exactly what she SAYS she wants!)

Then I started to connect the dots and understand just what was happening and why. I saw through the manipulations, the silent-treatments, the games... I finally understood why they wouldn't call, and what it was I was doing (and NOT doing) to get these results.

I have an offer for you that you simply can't refuse. Pretend I'm your Godfather. Call me your Don.

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Things like:
- When and how you touch her
- When and how to kiss her
- When, where and how intimacy builds from the early steps.

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