The TRUTH About Dating and Attraction...

Tuesday, 05:20 PM: Carlos Xuma's Desk...

QUESTION:

Let me know if you have an idea on this one:

I had this second date the other day. Because of my job that's totally demanding right now I had not slept for 48hrs, so ��� of course ��� I missed out big time on all the good cues, could not muster up courage to kiss and even ignored her hint for an invitation to her place ("I have a movie at home"). I only realized today how stupid I was whle meditating. BUMMER. Please let me know what to do with screwed up dates like this.

Thank you so much!
M

CARLOS:

Ah, yes... the ol' 48 hour benders... Nothing like sleep deprivation to put you off your game.

Let's start with the cardinal rule of dating and seduction:

Nothing matters as much as that first impression.

Anyone that tells you that you can recuperate from a f---ed up first meeting is out of their head. That only happens in friendships, or where the woman is so infatuated with you on sight that she'd sell her mother to Saddam Hussein for a chance to stand in your shadow. This is one of those reasons that you want to do WHATEVER YOU CAN to get your energy level up and your game up. Red Bull. Coffee. Whatever. (Please, no drugs other than caffeine, and don't overdo it.)

Ideally, cancel a date if you can't be ON with her. But if you need to go through with it, here are some tips ...

You know, I think this situation may have actually worked to your benefit rather than against you. You see, your distance and aloofness made you less needy. (Unfortunately, it also drove down your charm factor quite a bit, too.)

There are some distinct advantages to your state when you're tired and not feeling high-octane. You can choose to focus on other skills. You can also use this state (and I'm usually very tuned-in and mellow when I'm low on sleep - a lot like meditation) to use some slow seduction techniques. Talk slow. Get into a kind of dreamy flow with your movements. Hyperactivity is often counter-productive.

But you're more concerned about how to SALVAGE.

It might be tough. She gave you all those definite signals, and you missed them. However, you can turn this around, since your sleep deprivation may have come across as hard-to-get in some ways. You probably weren't acting needy on that date, were you? And did you notice that she STILL invited you over for a movie? There's a lesson there. (I guarantee you she wasn't thinking "What's wrong with him?" during or after. She was thinking, "Huh, what's wrong with ME?")

Here's what I'd do to try a salvage operation:

Call her up and say something like, "Hey, Jasmine, I wanted to give you a call and let you know that since you had such a great time with me the other night, I thought we should get together again. I'm going to XXXXXXX on Friday, and I'd like to have you join me. You'd look good on my arm." (Say this with a note of fun so that she can hear that you are being cocky.)

Just call her up, be confident, upbeat, and ask for the second chance - without making it sound like you're asking for a second chance. (Important.) Keep your tone light and friendly. She might be a little confused, and that's actually a good thing. If she asks you any questions, just say: "Well, since you're not saying 'NO', I'm taking that as a 'YES.' I'll see you there at 8:00. And I hope you're ready to laugh!"

Don't get into the why's and wherefores about the bad night - focus on the good she's about to have on the next.

If she doesn't go for it, oh well. Move on. There are about 135 million women in the United States. I bet you can find another one somewhere near you.

CONTINUED...

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QUESTION:

How comes you say looks do not matter? Look at all these guys. They say the looks do matter, and they are players.

CARLOS:

(First of all, let me fill in some blanks for the readers. This email came in with a couple of articles and postings about how mens looks DO matter. And he's contesting that looks do matter when I've said before that looks don't really matter.)

Well, gee, golly, let me check my ID card here... uh-huh. That's what I thought. It says, "I'm a player" too. Wow! What a coinky-dink.

It's time for a little lesson here, because SOME people are having a difficult time understanding what "looks" really are and mean.

There is the first kind of "looks" which is your PHYSICAL ATTRACTIVENESS. Does this matter? Sure it does. No one is going to argue that good looks won't help you in life. That's a fact.

HOWEVER... Your looks are only going to get your foot in the door. (Fact: have you ever seen food that LOOKed great but tasted like sh*t? Think about it.)

Look at Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson...
Look at Billy Bob Thornton and Angelina Jolie.
Look at ... aw, hell, just about any couple you know that makes you go, "HUH???"

The second kind of looks is your APPEARANCE. How neat do you dress? Do you have nice shoes? A good haircut? Did you trim those Daddy-Longlegs hairs that were sprouting out of your nose and ears?

The third kind of looks is the AURA OF CONFIDENCE that you project.

THIS is THE MOST IMPORTANT KIND OF LOOKS! You'll get laid more often with these looks and decent APPEARANCE looks than you will with PHYSICAL ATTRACTIVENESS alone.

Re-read that until it sinks in. I suspect most of you already KNOW this, but it's easier for some to keep frowning and sulking, kicking the ground and whining about how all the good looking women go for the good looking guys. Gosh, it's just not FAIR.

WRONG! Their good "looks" help, but it's their ALPHA MALE behavior that projects this. What these guys got was a little cocky and confident about their ability with women because their looks gave them a good start - maybe a couple feet difference in the starting blocks. And then they got this experience reinforced over time. That experience increased their confidence. And up and up and up...

If I had a dime for every guy I knew who was good looking but totally f___ing up his singles life because he was a wimp - a NICE GUY - I'd be friggin' rich. I kid you NOT.

You'll get laid more often with your ATTITUDE/POSTURE and the APPEARANCE looks you have than you will with PHYSICAL ATTRACTIVENESS alone. The point of my point is that if you have looks, great. But you still need more. If you don't have looks, great. You can overcome this with the right attitude.

Don't understand? Then you're not getting "IT." The "IT" I'm talking about is pervasive in this newsletter, and it's explained fully in my e-book. The IT is your ATTITUDE, my friends. NOTHING is more important.

And I'm going to give you some proof very soon of that through some experiments I've been conducting on HOTORNOT.com and Match.com.

By the tone of your email, dear reader, you're looking to do one of two things: Prove me wrong (keep trying), or Prove yourself right - in some mistaken belief that looks are your biggest problem.

News flash: If you think your looks are holding you back, then guess what? They ARE going to hold you back. Subconsciously and consciously.

On the other hand, if you act as though your looks are NOT holding you back, they won't. Your attitude will jump up a couple notches, SHE will sense it, and you'll start getting laid. Then you'll get your proof that looks are just a visitor's pass, and even the best looking guys get dropped FAST if they act like wimps.

Henry Ford said: "Whether you think you can or you think you can't, you're probably right."

Oh, and one more thing to contemplate - What if it were true that women went for better looking guys? Ask yourself: What if this were true?

There are two kinds of guys out there:

1) The kind that would accept this belief and p-ss and moan about it - using it as their sole excuse in life for not being an Alpha Man and getting what they want. "I'm not gorgeous, so gorgeous women won't want me. Boo-hoo." Hand him a tissue.

2) The kind that DO what they need to in order to GET what they want. They'd find a way around it. If they don't see the circumstances they want, they MAKE them.

The number 2 guys out there understand that THIS ATTITUDE ALONE is what gets them successful with ANY woman they want.

I'm in the process of writing a book on this second kind of guy, and you'll see it here this year. It's not just about dating, either, although it does cover men's attitudes with women. Keep your eyes peeled, because just like THE DATING BLACK BOOK, this thing is going to ROCK.

(Just for the record, I'm running out of new ways to say the same thing, so this topic is definitely not going to be covered for a while. I think you guys either get it, or you don't.)

There's something else, you know, I went out there for years in the single world and made a complete mess of myself and my relationships. I had some extraordinary successes, and some really abysmal failures.

In fact, there was a point where the failures piled up so high that I almost became a nervous wreck about it. Seriously, I started thinking that my dry spell was going to be permanent.

Then, I saw what was going on. It became so clear that women don't want men who just chase around after them like lost puppies. They don't want "Nice Guys" who give them everything they want. (That's the problem! Most every guy gives a woman exactly what she SAYS she wants!)

Then I started to connect the dots and understand just what was happening and why. I saw through the manipulations, the silent-treatments, the games... I finally understood why they wouldn't call, and what it was I was doing (and NOT doing) to get these results.

CONTINUED...

______________________

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