The TRUTH About Dating and Attraction...

Friday, 6:55 PM: Carlos Xuma's Desk...

QUESTION FROM A WOMAN:

On New Year's Eve I went to a cabaret and ran into a guy I knew from my party days twenty years ago. He was still fun, nice and very attractive. We danced all night---he practically deserted the people he came with.

We exchanged e-mails and he arranged to come to my city for a few days (he lives 1-1/2 hours away). I assumed it was to visit his parents and friends, but he said it was to see me. I cooked supper and after I put my daughter (7) to bed, we sat and talked until three in the morning. I had a lot of fun, we did some computer stuff, listened to music, and caught up on 20 years. We spent most of the evening on my couch which is actually a love seat, so we were pretty close.

He held my hand while we talked and I found myself wishing he would make a real move. But nothing. I considered making a move myself but my gut intuition said to take it easy. I finally said that I had to get some sleep but did he want to meet for lunch the next day, which we did. Again, a nice time and we wandered around until I had to go pick up my daughter.

Since then we have e-mailed and talked on the phone a couple times but that is it. I have issued a couple casual invitations such as 'a bunch of us are going out to see this band that you like, why don't you come if you're going to be in town?'

It is mostly me keeping the connection going, trying to keep it friendly and easy. He has never given me a straight answer as to his work schedule so I get the impression he doesn't want me to have any expectations about getting together again.

At his suggestion, (made New Year's Eve) some friends and I are going to catch an out-of-town blues show in a few weeks; he will be there too, with his friends. He suggested we book a hotel room but I said that our Designated Driver insists on driving home that night, so no room for us.

Who knows, maybe things will move to another level that night, but drunken s*e-x, especially first-time, is not something I am interested in. This guy is very good-looking and I get the impression he has been hurt in previous relationships, so this may have something to do with it. He said he really likes kids and is sorry he never had any of his own, so I don't think he would consider my daughter to be a liability.

- Amy

CARLOS:

I wanted to use this letter as an illustration to both men and women out there (yes, I know you're secretly reading these newsletters, ladies. I won't tell. Just let me know when you're going to be in the San Francisco Bay area and we'll discuss it in private. ;-)

Even good looking guys ignore the obvious and screw things up for themselves on occasion. Then I have to step in and get involved. Duty calls.

Well, one of the curious things about the strategies and methods I teach is that they will work for WOMEN as well as men. We're both driven by similar needs when it comes to dating and at-traction.

I believe there's interest from that guy you want, but he's one of the unlucky men I haven't reached with my message and e-book yet. He's probably one of the guys who has been shamed or scared into a passive role by a combination of incorrect learning and media/feminista propaganda.

And, if I can be so bold as to point out a few things:

1) Take note that the woman will wait for the man to initiate. It's OUR job, guys. She wanted him to bust a move, and he just waited in wimp mode. FLUSH.

2) Notice how Amy's interest waned to where she had to cut it off and tell him she needed to go get some sleep. His opportunity waited and waited, and eventually expired.

Now, I'd guess that this guy may have some traumatic experience in his past. Your intuition is probably right. Men are often disabled in their ability to act because of imagined hurt from the past carrying over into the present.

And I'll bet that you're sticking with this so far because he's been a real CHALLENGE, and not just jumping all over you.

Back to the solution:

If he calls you, ignore a call or two and see what happens. Tell him you were "just out" if he asks where you were. Be a little coy, but give him reason to worry.

Remember that the strategies I teach will work for you, too. I suggest you start getting playful with him and teasing him lightly. He'll start to respond to your challenge in one way or another. If he backs off, you wouldn't want to hang with him in any serious way. If he responds, he's probably just in need of some dramatic tension to start things off.

Flirt with other guys, and then come back to flirt with him to see how he reacts. Again, if he backs off, he's not the guy you want, except for a "passing fancy."

CONTINUED...

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I suggest you bust a few moves of your own, one that won't make you feel like the aggressor.

Get more into his physical space. Arrange it so he will have to bump into you or pass uncomfortably close. Put your hand on his arm or leg once or twice to see how he reacts.

Drop a few sexually suggestive hints of your own, but be playful about it. Bring up erotically charged topics. "So what did you think of Janet Jackson's boob on the halftime show?"

You may have to push this one way or the other by being assertive. Just ask him, "What are you waiting for?"

One thing is for sure. If this guy doesn't do something soon, you're going to put him in the "Let's just be friends" bin (or you ought to), because you know deep inside that it wouldn't last if he can't get the "man-up."

The tingly passion of challenge can rapidly turn to boredom if a man doesn't take action when he needs to.

Don't wait for your opportunity to expire, guys. She's only waiting for you to DO something.

There are so many other skills to work and develop as well.

Wouldn't you like to develop your fine sense of interpretation with women?

Wouldn't you like to know:
... when a woman is playing you or really interested?
... how to interpret her body language? And how do you best present your own?
... how to meet more hot women?
... how do you get them attracted to you?

These were questions I wanted answers to for YEARS, and I finally decided that I was going to get them. I started reading all the books in the bookstore on the topic. When I realized they didn't have the information I needed, I started looking for books that talked about pickups and techniques and the "taboo" information that you couldn't find anywhere else. (I started this before there was an Internet, but not TOO long before. :)

Seize this opportunity. It's time to start WINNING at the game of attraction with women.

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Go have a look at this site - and the program that will get you more success in life as well as with women...

-Carlos

QUESTION:

Whatup Carlos,

I took this girl out last Saturday, and she said she was busy this weekend. I didn't ask if she had a good time last Saturday after I dropped her off or the day after.

I asked her on Monday, and she said she said. Then she asked me if I did, and I paused and said yes eventually, after she tried to tease me by saying "no" to complete my answer.

I feel like I should've calmed her nerves between the date and Monday, but instead I didn't even talk to her for a couple days. This week she had been nervous around me.

I actually asked her out again on Monday because I felt that attraction was high, and she said she'll see. I asked her again on Thursday morning, and she said that she had plans this weekend. I think it would be a good idea to call her and ask her if I did or said anything that threw her off since or during the last date, and she'll probably say yes, because she has been nervous and uptight around me.

I've been going crazy over this one. Suggestions?

Thanks,
K

CARLOS ANSWERS:

That's what I love to see... a guy who got the books and within a week is starting to GET IT.

The first thing to avoid is that "am I doing good?" syndrome, where you check in with the woman to find out how you're doing. The most common way guys do this is to ask a woman if they had a good time at the end of the date.

WRONG.

If she didn't have a good time, she isn't going to tell you, Einstein.

And if she did, she now knows you're a little insecure about it because you asked.

Translation:

LOSE-LOSE situation.

Never ask the question.

A real Alpha Man doesn't need to ask. He generates his own fun, and is always fun, even when he's NOT fun.

You get me?

Calming her nerves is NOT your job.

If she's got nerves, it's because of her own thinking.

You WANT her a little nervous. That shows that she's concerned about how well SHE is doing. This means she's still qualifying herself to you.

Now, if a woman just can't stop being shaky all the time during the date, I usually like to ask, "Are you nervous?"

And inevitably she will admit that she is a little. Then you get to give her a SHORT hug and say, "it's going to be just fine."

Women LOVE this. It shows that you're a MAN if you can comfort her and transfuse a little of your confidence to her.

Then you gave it a break and didn't talk for a few days.

GOOD MOVE!

Most guys are too eager and end up calling way too soon, or trying to fish for feedback from her too much. You avoided this trap. Good job...

But now you're telling me you think it's a good idea to call her and check in with her about how she's feeling.

Hmmm...

Normally, I'd say you have to avoid this need to calm her down or check in, but it sounds like she's been edgy and nervous for over a week or two, which is a little weird. It sounds like she's uncertain about how to tell you NO, she's not interested.

You see, women are often put into an internal conflict when it comes time to own up to their feelings about you. They don't want to think of themselves as BAD or HURTING you, so they keep avoiding the direct truth with a few well planned HINTS that they hope you'll take.

But this one could go either way based on what you're telling me (*and not telling me.)

Either way, you need to be the one to either fix it or move on. She's not going to come to you, so you have to go to her.

First of all, forget the phone thing. Unless you have NO other way to see her, the phone is the wimpy way out on this one.

Go see her in person.

Ask her point blank:

"Hey, I've noticed you're a little off this past week. Now, I know I normally make women nervous with my incredible good looks (laugh), but I want to know if you're going to be able to handle another night of fun out with me?"

CONTINUED...

______________________

And see how she takes that. Watch her body language and listen to what she's saying between her words. If she seems nervously avoiding you, and she won't agree to another date, it's time to move on.

Then tell her something to reassure her that she's going to be okay. "Hey, I see you're pretty shaky when I'm around. I just want you to know that you're doing just fine so far. You've got no reason to be nervous. I still think you're pretty cool. I'll let you hold my hand next time if it will help." (Smiles...)

You see what I did there? I put the blame of the nervousness on HER. It's not MY fault. And if she wants to enjoy my presence some more, she can know that I'll be a strong MAN for her.

Powerful men don't try too hard. They know how to influence a woman by demonstrating their internal strength in certain ways.

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Here's to a new year. 2005 is the year for you to get busy and get successful with women!

- Carlos

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