The TRUTH About Dating and Attraction...

Friday, 6:45 PM: Carlos Xuma's Desk...

QUESTION:

About a month ago the girl I've been exclusive with for about 4 months said that she loves me on two seaperate occasions. Since then she has not even brought it up, but I'm sure she still feels it.

Now, I feel that I'm ready to say it back. Should I initiate this, or should I drag it out little more and let her work up the courage to say it again.

Also, She is spending a lot more time at my house how should I handle it when she finds my porn and other things such as the e-books, and real books on handling women.

CARLOS ANSWERS:

The best way to handle this is -

YOU initiate it.

You be the one to say it first. (Don't wait until after she has said it.)

Also, say it in such a way that makes it clear that you do NOT care if she feels the same way. One way is to say it just before you hang up on the phone, but don't give her the chance to say it back. Say it, hang up.

I don't believe real love exists until at least six months or so after you first start seeing a woman. I used to say it WAY too soon.

You may think you know enough to say it, but it actually takes quite a while before you know. AND be sure that you're not just saying it because you're afraid she might leave if she doesn't hear it soon, or to regain some lost attraction.

ONLY say it if you MEAN IT.

As for your stash, TELL her about the porn first, but in a way that says you don�t care what she thinks about it. "Okay, I'll go up to the store and get us some snacks. Stay out of my porn movies." WINK.

There is NO reason why a woman should find anything else of yours, but there's also NO reason for you to be SCARED of it.

If she sneaks around and finds them, you make it clear that SHE did something wrong, but do NOT get defensive or react. A woman has to be kept aware that she is always on parole, and she has to accept you as you are. It is COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE to snoop. Tell her the books were interesting. And that's all.

DO NOT get in a debate over the content of it. I usually let women know that their opinion is fine, but I am really not all that interested in HEARING it. (Without being disrespectful.)

Memorize this phrase I use: "This topic is open for discussion, but closed for debate."

A few years back, I was seeing a woman for during the time when I had written my first e-books and articles on handling women. And, eventually, that wasn't the reason we split up. It made for some great conversation and horny monkey-love. At NO point did I let her put me on the defense. Any issues she had with it were HER problems, not mine. (This is such an important part of your attitude.)

I always let women know right away that I read Playboy (yes, I actually read it.) And if they have a problem with that, it's HER problem, not mine.

I've dumped so many chicks because they have insecurity issues about my manly interests. It's a great way to test her for her level of self-esteem.

She will test you with this, and you have to be prepared.

In fact one of the most important ALPHA traits is how you handle this very situation. It MUST come from a place of genuine strength and resolve. You have to feel 100% belief in yourself so that she doesn't try to shake you up by questioning you.

If you waffle or appear to be seeking her approval, you'll lose a LOT of her attraction.

QUESTION:

Big Carlos!

You should win the Nobel Prize of Peace, for your contribution to the wellbeing of mankind! I truly belive that the stuff you teach is a lot more important for the peace in our lives and houses than anything else one can learn at school, with our parents, from (the pundits) books and from television.

As a matter of fact, I belive that all these sources - school, parents, books and television - are misleading men, making them incapable of a true understanding of the dynamics of a relationship and, therefore, making men and women unhappier day after day (just look at the divorce rates).

What you teach to us is a lot more than "how to get laid". I believe that it is a lot more about how to be a man, go for what you want and to get it. The psychological principles you teach to us are the ones that FIRST make us better and stronger men and LATTER, BECAUSE of that, make us able to get laid more often.

I'm not kidding you, man! I teach at a university! I'm serious! You certainly deserve an "double" A++ Keep doing the EXCELENT job!

Now, the teacher made student again, have a situation for you to analyse. I'll try to be as concise as I can.

I'm not of the needy type (really!), but right now, at 32, Iiving in a small city of a small country and with a very busy professional schedule,

I'm looking for a good woman to settle down. I've been dating 5 girls over the last 12 months (slept with 3 of them) and I finally found a possible candidate (she's the fifth). So far, she seems to be the type of woman I am looking for.

The facts are as following:

- She is a 33 yo woman mother of a 15 yo kid, divorced since 1995;

- She comes to Portugal every 6-8 weeks;

- She said that she would like me to go there (outside the country) to meet the 5 portuguese friends/colleagues (3 boys and 2 girls) with whom she spend her free time;

- She also said that she wants me to meet her parents and her son

- We started dating by July 2004 but, since she left, we've been dating on-line - mid September - and we've been together at the end of October and now (that is, every 6-7 weeks since she left in September);

- I've been playing the dance of attraction with her but it seems that I reached a stuck point. Recently I believe made a mistake: I asked her to go out (I called her but she didn't replied so I left a voice message).

CONTINUED...

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She answered later (by SMS) that she couldn't go (convincingly explained why). I replied (by SMS) something like: "OK, but now you are going to see the bad side of me: if I can�t get you gently, I'll get you another way!"

Later, she told me, by phone, that "now I don't know your true personality and I don't know if I can trust you". She was serious, but I made fun of her.

- After that (yesterday) I invited her to go out in one of two possible days. She explained (again convincingly) why she couldn't accept the first day but only the second one. It was a little bit difficult to find a time that could work for both of us, but she was flexible and accepted my sugestion.

Neverthless, because of that difficulty, she said something that I'm worry about: "WE DON'T COINCIDE NOT EVEN IN OUR TIMETABLES". Again, I made fun of it, saying that was because she is too complicated, blah, blah, blah...

Questions about this specific situation:

1) Am I losing this girl?

2) What can I do to keep her interested until she comes back in July? Or is it a lost cause? I don't want to invest more than what I can afford to lose.

General question:

3) At match.com, many women say things like:

- "I want someone who keeps me laughing and keeps me on my toes. I tend to be a go-getter and pretty agressive and I need someone to put me in my place sometimes".
- "I am looking for someone that I can talk to, someone I can trust. I would like to start with a friendship and see where it goes".
- "I am tired of guys playing games with me".
- "I want a man who knows REALLY how to treat a woman".

What do they mean?

I wish you a very happy new year!

N.
Portugal

CARLOS ANSWERS:

Hop on your horses, cowboys, 'cause I'm gonna have to be harsh and cut this one apart...

First let me say that you're getting a lot of things right (since you're sleeping with 3 of the 5 women you've got in your harem). That's great, and that's what you get when you learn the stuff from the e-books and audio.

Great job!

But there are a few small things that are keeping you from getting this woman that you seem to be fixated on. (Probably because she's hard-to-get. Yeah, I know.)

1) Are you losing her?

You're well on the way unless you back off and take a more indirect approach.

You left a voice message to ask her out?

Dude!

That's SO lame. You NEVER ask a woman out in a voice mail. It's ONLY done by talking directly to her.

2) You're not "dating" if you're doing it online. That's not a real way to interact and build attraction.

You must be IN-PERSON to create attraction, not on the phone or in emails. You're relying on her MEMORIES of you to keep up her interest in you. Eventually, those memories fade without your presence.

3) You're WORRIED?

I'm worried that you're worried.

If you're worrying, you're not thinking from the right place.

An Alpha Man doesn't have the time to worry about what someone else is thinking about. He's too busy getting on about life and making things happen.

If you're worrying, you're losing your posture. And your attitude.

And she'll sense this and move further away.

4) Your joking is too far to the creepy side. When you tease a woman and make fun, you have to do it in an inoffensive and gentle way.

Your joke about getting her another way wasn't the right way to phrase it. Women are VERY sensitive to weirdo behavior, and you should NEVER EVER joke about psycho or potentially dangerous behavior.

It's never funny. I hear a lot of guys joke about that stuff, and they don't realize just how huge a mistake it is. They think they're being funny, but they're showing an INCREDIBLE lack of sensitivity and understanding.

And even if the woman knows he's not psycho, joking like that tells her that he's not a very sharp guy.

Chances are, you've set yourself back quite a bit with her by destroying rapport and TRUST.

Without TRUST, you're lost.

And remember that jokes do NOT work in email or text messaging. They don't have any TONE of voice to carry your intent.

Keep your jokes to in-person, or make them much more obvious (by including a "kidding" or a smiley at the end.)

5) What do women mean by those phrases like wanting trust, no games, etc?

They mean that they DON'T KNOW what they're attracted to.

In reality, it's a reaction from fear.

You see, a woman knows what she's attracted to:
- Indifference
- Cocky behavior
- Fun times

But she also knows that usually only two kinds of guys have it: Jerks and Bad Boys. (Often the same.)

And she knows that in the end, she doesn't have any power over them, and that eventually, these guys don't really give her what she wants for the long term.

So she thinks that by saying she wants a "nice guy," she'll save herself from that heartbreak.

The only one who knew what it was about was the woman who said: "I need someone to put me in my place sometimes..."

She understood that women need boundaries from men, not weak guys who let her walk all over them.

That's the woman I'd be interested in, because she's probably got a good head on her shoulders.

At the root of it all, all of those women want an ALPHA MAN.

THAT is what they're saying. They know that most guys these days just don't have the stones.

The BALLS.

CONTINUED...

______________________

The women out there today are stronger than they were, and that means that they need STRONGER men than ever.

Otherwise, they'll all turn lesb*ian and we will all have to watch.

Hey, maybe that's not so bad... (smile.)

Seriously, you need to remember, demonstrating your Alpha behavior is mostly about coming from a place of POWER and CONFIDENCE.

Powerful men don't try too hard. They know how to influence a woman by demonstrating their internal strength in certain ways.

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Here's to a new year. 2005 is the year for you to get busy and get successful with women!

- Carlos

The secrets of compelling communication and persuasion are easy to learn.

Most guys don't approach women because they haven't got the SKILLS to APPROACH WOMEN. Once you have them, you'll feel less anxious and you'll actually DO IT.

It's time to learn the TRUTH about women ... and attraction.

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